MY DOUBLE LIFE

Two weeks in, and I feel like some kind of backwards superhero. Mild mannered six days a week, but on that other day,  WATCH OUT!  Tomorrow, I'm going to put Derek on the bus, take a shower, then transform into my alter-ego to slink next door to spend the day with T.  I should have a costume.  I guess that I'll have to work on that.  Maybe something in red.  He said that he likes me in red ;).

It's not easy keeping all the balls in the air. I play the role of the perfect wife like nothing has changed, and I'm good at it.  I bake the cookies, and clean the house, drive Derek to boys scouts and soccer.  Everything is the same as it was, but is also very different.  I feel confident, attractive and desirable for the first time in my life, and it is because of T.  With him, I can do no wrong, and I love him for that.

I do see him during the week, but as his next door neighbor.  I'll wave to him when Derek or P is around--can't ignore him, or it would be too suspicious. Even when he offered to help me in with the groceries, with Derek standing right there, I could not say no (not that I wanted to, because I had this sudden need to smell his cologne).  I have to keep this charade going, but it's awfully hard to make casual conversation with someone, when all you want to do is jump his bones. 

I cannot even mention his name to my friends all, for fear that I might expose my hidden feelings of desire for him.  Forget about telling them about the affair.  Both of them are in happy marriages and totally in love, living the so-called "perfect life".  They would not understand how I have looked for affection outside of my home, and of course there is this fear that Roberta will find out and spread the news around the world.  I am alone with this one, but for now, I am okay with that.  I'm a Superwoman!

A DAY WITH AN AWKWARD BEGINNING TURNED OUT WONDERFUL

On my other blog, I told you about a plane ride that P set up for Derek.  I was not very happy, to say the least:  Derek is Going on a Plane Ride .  Well, Derek made it home safe, and everything was hunky-dory when all three of them walked into the house afterwards.  Yes, that's right, I said ALL THREE.  Talk about awkward.

Let's backtrack.  It was a beautiful day, so after a couple of hours of biting all my nails off, I decided to try to get my mind off plane crashes.  Yoga in the backyard was a good idea for that, so I went in the back yard with my MP3 player.  Listen to music and relax, right?  

I can do all these positions--Not!

I was struggling with the downward facing dog position (what other one would it be when this happened?), twisted up and sweating my ass off--as usual.  I looked up, and suddenly T was there with a huge smile on his face.  Stunned, I fell over.

As he helped me up, my heart was racing.  I was in full blown panic.  Where was P?  Could he see us?  Never mind that we were only talking at this point.  I asked T firmly what he was doing there (as firm as a whisper could get), and he told me that P asked him over for lunch to thank him for the plane ride.  Then I asked him "Why did you accept?", and he said "What was I supposed to do?".  Then he said something about how great I looked in my workout outfit, and suddenly I was blushing like a teenager.  I'm a sucker for a good compliment.

Next thing I know, P called my name with a little aggravation in his voice.  Panic again, but I  knew that I was far enough away from T not to cause any suspicion.  Did he hear what T said?  No.  He was wondering where the gift was.  "What gift?" I asked.  Now, P was frustrated.  "Didn't you get the gift for the party at the mall that Derek is going to today?"  Oops!  I had forgotten all about it.

I apologized, as P pissed and moaned that now he had to go out of his way to get a gift, and would have to leave earlier than expected.  By the way, the store is in the same mall as the place where the party is--just saying.  He barked for Derek (who I had not even seen yet) and told him that I screwed up, essentially, blah blah blah blah blah.  "Where has your head been lately?" P asked.  I didn't have an answer to give him, and just shrugged my shoulders.  Although I do know where it has been.  It was worried since yesterday, and the rest of the week, it's been in the clouds.

So, Philip apologized to T, directed me to make T lunch, and then walked off in a huff with Derek close behind.  Luckily, I was able to say goodbye to the son that I didn't have a chance to say hello to ("I'm glad you're alive, son").  When they were gone, it was just me and T.

I was relieved that he did not bad mouth P, or scold me for failing to defend myself.  I was too mortified to rehash what had just happened,  He just asked me one question.

"Where has your head been, Peach?" he asked with a smirk.

T, You know damn well where it has been. It has been next door--with you.

Later, while in my sanctuary, I told T that I loved him.  I don't know why it took me so long to confess it, because I've felt this way for a long time.  He said that it was the best news that he's ever heard.

SO THIS IS LOVE?

I know of two different songs with that title.  One's from the movie Cinderella, and the other,  from Van Halen.  Actually the Cinderella version kind of sums up how I feel.  Well, maybe it's a combination of the two.  I don't think I've ever really been in love before, until now.  Now I know how it feels.  I know that whoever reads this is probably sick of the goopy love-sick posts, but I can't help myself.  I love Mark.  That's right, I said his real name.  I wish that I could shout it from the rooftops.

If you have read my other blog Victoria's Diary, you know that at first, I didn't like him at all.  I thought that he was the neighbor from hell and I felt uncomfortable around him.  I've come to realize that it is because I was attracted to him from the start, didn't want to admit it, and was fighting it all the way.  Now, after spending another day in his arms, I can't imagine life without him.  He makes me happy.  I wish that I could spend more time with him, but first I have to figure things out.  I do know one thing, though--once a week is not enough.

This morning, he was asleep when I walked through the back door.  I knew that he would be, because he's been working the late shift all week, and did not get home until around three.  He told me to wake him up when I arrived, but I couldn't.  He was peacefully sleeping and I didn't want to wake him.  So, I just crawled in next to him.  Eventually, he woke me up.  We skipped breakfast altogether.  Later, he made me lunch.  It was nice to have someone cook for me, for a change.

You know what song has been in my head?  "I Love How You Love Me" from the 60's.   Can't get it out. Funny thing. Maybe I should just go to bed.  I'm incredibly tired.

THE SECRET INNER TORTURED LIFE OF A LIAR

I am a liar and a cheat.  There, I've admitted it.  Okay?  Thank you for reminding me.  You got me.  Thank you for your messages.  Now, it is time for me to respond.

Why do I admit this?  Well, it's true--first of all.  I never thought that I'd do anything like this after being married for ten years.  I thought that I would remain a faithful wife and mother for the rest of my life.  Maybe if I was a happily married woman, none of this would have happened.  But I'm not, and it did.  Things change.

For your information, this is not a "typical lonely desperate housewife" situation.  I'm not sleeping with the pool boy just to satisfy my needs.  T and I were friends first, and then the relationship changed.  It is not just sexual.  We were best friends before the affair even started.  Now, I believe that he is the love of my life.

I am well aware of what this could do to my family unit, and I do care about what could happen.  I think about the consequences constantly--more than you can possibly know.  I know that this can't last forever, and what I will do if the affair is exposed.  I will choose what is best for my son.  I will sacrifice my happiness for his.  Does that make you happy?

I know about T's past.  I believe in my heart that he is not "playing me".   I believe that he loves me and that I am not another conquest for his so-called checklist.  I could be wrong, but he could have a lover will a lot less trouble somewhere else.  Someone, for instance, who is not married.

Do you think that this is easy?  I'm here to tell you that it is not.  I have become paranoid, thinking that I will be exposed at any minute.  T and I can't go anywhere together, and I avoid him most of the time.  I see him less than I used to before the affair started, because I am afraid of people finding out about us.  I cannot show public affection to the man I love.  Do you know how hard that is?  

I wish that things were different.  Maybe if I met T eleven years ago, I would not be in this situation.  But eleven years ago, T was a different man, and I probably would not have fallen in love with him.  More importantly, if I had not met and married P,  I would not have Derek, and he is truly one person that I could not live without.  So here I am, stuck between two worlds.

It is not easy living a double life.  I don't like keeping secrets and lying to those I love, but I have no choice.  I have to grab happiness while I can.

VICTORIA'S DIARY: SOCCER MOM OF A SHADOW CHASER

VICTORIA'S DIARY: SOCCER MOM OF A SHADOW CHASER: 

Today was opening day of the soccer season. Our little "not so natural", Derek, was back on the field chasing butterflies and his shadow...

I NEED A LOVER THAT WILL DRIVE ME CRAZY

Now I have one--but it's in a good way.


On my other blog, "Victoria's Diary", I talked about a "meeting" that I had that I did not want to miss, but I did not go into detail for obvious reasons:   Back to school .  

If you read this blog, you know what that meeting was all about.  Now I am home, and in the midst of cooking the lasagna that I made yesterday.  I find myself drifting in and out of a daydream.  I'm relaxed and lazy, and I wish I was still there.  Unfortunately, I have to wait until next Wednesday, but I can't get this smile off of my face.

This morning when I arrived, T was relieved to see me.  He told me that he was not sure that I would meet him, and wouldn't believe it until I walked through the door.  I said that I no longer have doubts about the connection between us.  I spent the day with him.  It was a wonderful day, but I will not give details.  I want to save that memory for myself.

NO REGRETS--THE LABOR DAY PARTY, PART TWO

T's offer to drive me home put me on the spot.  I yearned to say yes, but my conscience knew that I should say no. However, P saw it as the perfect solution to his problem because he could pass the buck and not have to leave the precious party (the man is truly clueless, but in his world, no one on this known earth would be attracted to me, especially not the playboy neighbor offering to drive me home).  After P walked me to the truck, and Derek kissed me goodbye, P said that he'd be home after the fireworks were over, and I said that I'd probably go straight to bed.

Neither of us spoke during the two block ride, but I did feel a little better physically.  Maybe it was the air conditioning in the truck, or the comfort of being away from the crowded party.  I was relaxed, somehow--maybe it was because we were alone, and I was not worried that someone would see something out of the ordinary.  By the time he pulled into his garage and opened the door for me, I had every intention of going home.  Then he said three words--I love you.

I can't explain what it felt like to hear those three simple words.  Somehow, I suspected that he loved me, but when I heard it come from his lips, I was dumbfounded.   It was mind-blowing!    I've tried so hard to deny it, thinking that I was losing my mind, or imagining things that were not there, but I have loved him for such a long time.  It's true, and such a relief to finally admit it.   When I heard his confession, I felt alive, free, and I didn't want to leave--so, I didn't.  I let go, and have no regrets.


I stayed with him until the fireworks started, promising to return on Wednesday.  We have started something, and I am happy about it.  I am not thinking about the consequences, or the risks.  For now, it is a secret.  I am "that woman" and I don't care.  I'm taking one day at a time, with room for adjustment.

For those who are worried about me, and think that I am taking the wrong path, I wish you knew what it was like to be in my shoes.  P had his chance to bring me home, and lead me away from temptation, but he did not.  He did not care.  I was just a nuisance to him, as usual.  At that critical moment, when I was ready to jump, he failed to grab my hand to pull me back.  T was more than willing to catch me, and I'm so happy that he did.

I have spent ten years trying to be the perfect wife to an indifferent man who treats me more like a child than anything else. I have never felt a mutual fondness with him.  We have just been going through the motions, together only because of Derek.  As for passion, it is not there, and probably has not been there from the start.  I have tried in the past, but he would rather sleep in the guest room/office, than to deal with me.  I am done trying.  It's time to think about myself for a change.


With T, I don't have to try.  It comes naturally.  Nobody makes me feel the way that he does.  There is no other man in this world that I would rather be with.  We have mutual love, respect and fondness.  He is my best friend, my T (my Trooper), and now my lover.  There is no turning back.

HE'S BACK- THE LABOR DAY PARTY, PART ONE

T was at Chloe's Labor Day barbecue on Saturday.  He wasn't there at first, and I was relaxed and having an adequate time--not dancing on the tables or anything.  We were there about an hour, and then I turned and there he was.  Suddenly, my whole body reacted.  I was shaking and found it hard to breathe.  A week of penance and self-loathing was down the drain.  The desire came back, full force.


He walked over to me and a few other people, and I noticed that he was tanned, rested, and unbelievably beautiful.  When we were in the presence of others, he explained that he was in Florida visiting his son.  Then when he caught a quick moment with me, he told me that I looked beautiful in the sundress, and that he could not keep his mind off what happened.  I would not admit to him that I felt the same way.  I wanted him to stop talking about it, said that it would never happen again, and begged him to get it out of his mind.  He said that it was impossible.  Don't I know it?


Roberta came over, and I was relieved at the start, because the uncomfortable conversation had to stop.  Then she started to flirt with him, rubbing his back in a sensual way, and I wanted her to go away.  She asked him to dance, and to my utter surprise (or disgust), he said yes.  I don't know if he did this to get to me.  Well...it worked.  I was pissed.  I told him as much when I confronted him by the beer keg, and he wondered what I expected him to do.  He reminded me that there was someone at the party that he wanted, and it was not Roberta.  Then Roberta returned like a cancer, and was back to her old tricks.


Suddenly, I felt dizzy.  I don't know if it was the previous conversation, the heat, or the fact that Roberta could not keep her slimy hands off of T.  I wanted to sit down, and searched for a chair.  I heard T ask if I was all right, I lost my balance and he kept me steady.   The wineglass that I was holding fell onto the tile, and shattered.  After that, it seemed that the whole world stopped.  Everyone was looking at me.


I wanted to fix it, somehow.  I bent down to try to pick up shards of glass, but T stopped me, saying that he would do it.  Chloe's husband, Donald was quick to come over with a dustpan and broom to help with the clean up, and everyone was asking me if I was okay.  Then P came over, and with all the sensitivity of a drill sergeant, he asked me what the hell happened--like I did it on purpose.


I told him that I wasn't feeling well, and wanted to go home.  P wouldn't hear of it, probably thinking that I was making it up (I've done that before).  He said that he did not want to leave because Derek was having a good time, and that I should sit down and relax, and "maybe I'll feel better".  I'm sure that I heard sarcasm in his voice.  Even Roberta seemed more concerned about me than my own husband.  Story of my life.  I was even willing to walk home so that P did not have to leave the party for two seconds to drop me off.  Then T said that he was leaving anyway, and that he would drop me off.


To be continued...

CAN'T EAT, BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I LOST 5 POUNDS

I'm down 23 lbs since I started.  I should be happy, right? I guess this "feeling sick", "can't eat", "lack of sleep" and "worrying" stuff is paying off.  Hooray,  I should patent this diet.

I'm also cleaning the house like a mad woman.  It started on Saturday (wonder why).  I've washed floors, cleaned out and washed the refrigerator, scrubbed the bathroom high and low.  I guess that it's Penance for what I have done, but a immaculate household cannot wash away my mistake.  The memories remain.

Another problem is that Chloe's having a Labor Day barbecue at her house this weekend. She invited all her neighbors, family and friends.  I would rather stay home and avoid seeing anybody, like I have all week.   I'm afraid that they will see the guilt in my eyes.  I don't want to face them,  however, I will have to go because Derek is looking forward to it, and I don't want to let him down.  Plus, Chloe is my best female friend, and I don't want to let her down either.  I just have to put on my happy face and act like I am not dying inside.

I guess that I don't have to worry about T being there.  I'm sure that Chloe invited him, although he is still MIA.  Will he ever come back?

SOS!! I CAN'T FUNCTION. I'VE GOT TO STOP THINKING...PERIOD!!!

I can't seem to think about anything other than wondering where the hell he went.  He has been gone since Saturday, and there has been no sign of him.   I know that I should not think of him at all, but I can't help it.  I want to talk to him, but then again, I'm afraid to be near him.

The event on Saturday and it's aftermath has taken over my mind.  I find myself drifting in and out of reality and fantasy.   I'm fantasizing about what happened, and afraid that I will be exposed.  I wonder if that is how Diana Adams felt when she started her affair.  Did she feel guilty?  Did she fantasize about her lover while she felt the guilt?  These are questions that I would love to ask her, but the risk of my own exposure is too great.  I wish that I could talk to someone about the turmoil in my head.

About that fear of being found out--it is paralyzing.  I can see Roberta now, spreading the news like the Black Plague, making sure that everyone on the known Earth would know about my fall from grace.  I remember how she cackled about Diana Adams' affair with her young landscaper.  It was an affair that, once exposed, ruined Diana's marriage and sent her to divorce court.  I never thought that I could fall in the same way, but I did.  I want to get it out of my head, but I can't.

 P noticed that my mind was somewhere else, as the pasta boiled over and made a mess.  I was looking out the window, lost in my daydreams, and dinner was all over the floor!   He asked me what was wrong with me, and was more concerned about boiling puddles of water on the tiles.  I didn't have an answer.  There is not enough time in the day to explain what is wrong with me.

I should be preparing Derek for school on Wednesday--buying school supplies and whatnot.  I should be organized and ready, but my head is in the clouds.   I can't eat because I'm nauseous.  I can't sleep because whenever I close my eyes, I see T's face.  I can't function!


I'm a mess!  

REGRETS...I HAVE A FEW...WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I BOUGHT THE CORVETTE, AND NOW I REGRET IT


I'm still trying to piece together what happened on Saturday morning.  Why did I let him in, knowing what I knew?  It was such an incredible risk.  


I don't know how it happened, although I do know why.  My desire made me hungry.  My need made me reckless, and overtook my better judgment.   At that critical moment, I didn't care who I was.  I didn't care who T was.  The passion overtook us.  I wanted T, and I did not think of the consequences until it was too late.  I had been dancing too close to the cliff, and I finally fell off.


Afterwards, when all the excitement was over,  we regretted it.  We knew that we were wrong, and I told him to leave, so that I could cry in peace.  In the aftermath, he is gone.  He said he would get away, and he did.  At first I was glad that he left, but now I am wondering where he went.  It is like he slipped off the face of the earth.


There is no way to close Pandora's Box, and no forgetting what happened, for either of us.  I know that I can't forget it.  I can't stop thinking about him, and what happened between us.  I wish that I could.  Every time I think about it, the guilt returns.  What have I done?


I am so confused right now--filled with anguish and remorse for what I have done--feeling like I've let down my family.  On the other hand, I also feel a certain amount of loss.  I know that I shouldn't miss T, but I do.  I am lost.

I HAVE A FREE DAY COMING UP!

P is taking Derek out early tomorrow, and returning in the late afternoon. That means that it will be a free day for mom!  I don't have many of those, especially in the summer, so I am truly looking forward to it.

I really don't know what I'm going to do.  I really do want to relax, but first I was thinking of doing a little walk in the park after yoga  in the morning.  Maybe I'll ride my bike.  Then later, I'll sit in the backyard with a glass of lemonade and read a book.  It will be quiet enough to do that.  


One thing that I will definitely not do is house work.  Tomorrow, I'm going to be lazy, and think only of myself--for once.   No worries, no problems--all relaxation.  Can't wait.

T READ MY BLOG. THE OTHER ONE, NOT THIS ONE--GOD FORBID!

I keep forgetting that he checks out that blog.  You can say that I'm embarrassed right now, because I admitted to the whole world that I tried to seduce my husband, and it failed.  Now he knows too.  Don't I feel great?

I guess that T checked it out because I will not return his texts, or his tweets.  I even sent Derek to deliver the Baked Ziti I made for him.  It must be driving him crazy that I am ignoring him, and I know that he wants to talk to me about what happened, but I'm not ready yet.  I still don't know what to say.  


I've erased all of his text messages, but I think that I'll keep the last one that he sent--just to remind myself that I'm not a failure.  This was his last message:  "I read your blog.  Don't you dare ever talk that way about yourself again!".


I felt like crying, but then I had to laugh.  I know how mad he must have been when he read the post.  I could see him now.  He was probably cursing after he read it, and while he was sending me the text.  He was mad at P for rejecting me--for sure--but also mad at me for getting down on myself. He hates it when I do that, almost as much as when I wear that over-sized sunflower cover-up t-shirt by the pool. 


God, I want to talk to him.  I miss my best friend.

YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS--THE KISS WAS JUST THAT--A KISS

I went for a walk once the sun went down yesterday.  I guess that I wanted to walk off some of the anxiety that I have been feeling lately, and get away from the brownies that have been calling my name.  I was a good idea to get some exercise, because I have been downright lazy, gaining a pound since last week.  It might not seem like a big deal, but I was one pound away from twenty.  Now I am two.  Damn those brownies!

Well, you can guess what happened next.  Halfway down the road, T was calling out to me, telling me to slow down.  He wanted to talk.  I sped up.  But, eventually, I stopped because he started to get dizzy trying to catch me.  We sat down and talked.

He asked me if I was avoiding him, and that was a stupid question because he knows damn well that I've been avoiding him and why.  He played down the incident, saying that it was nothing to be concerned about.  It was just a kiss...that's all...curiosity took over and lead to a minor mistake that he promised will never happen again. 

I wish that I could believe that.  Should I be insulted, since it was no big deal to him, and I was so freaked out?  Maybe I am overreacting.   Maybe I'm letting my fantasies take over reality, and I'm seeing things that are not there.  I don't know what to think.


Anyway, things are back to normal.  I have my friend back, and I am no longer running scared.  I just wish that I could erase my memory of that kiss.

I HATE HIS PARADE

Man, T's had a lot of visitors lately. Mostly women.  I don't know where they all came from! They must know that his mother has gone home, and the flood gates are open.  His house has a revolving door.  Everyone is checking in on the invalid, except me.


I saw Roberta go over there with a covered dish.  She probably poisoned him because she's a terrible cook.  Most likely, she bought something from the local Italian restaurant and put it into a casserole dish to make it look like she made it.  She's such a bitch.  She spent an hour there, then left with a frustrated look on her face.  I guess that she didn't get to "Buy the Corvette", which was probably her plan.


If you are checking out my twitter update, you probably know what "buy the Corvette" means.  It is code for "hook up with T".    I was going to use "enjoy a chocolate chip cookie"  as a code, but we all know that I have done that before, and I will do it again.  I would never buy a Corvette in real life, and I would not "buy this Corvette", either.


All joking aside, however attracted to T I happen to be, and however sexually frustrated I am,  I would never cross that bridge.  All of this fantasizing is just that--fantasizing.  I would never risk my family, or the friendship that I have with T.  It would ruin everything.  I mean, look how afraid I was about a stupid kiss (although it is the best one I've ever had)?  I could never go through with it.  I've got too much to lose.


But I still have my daydreams, and in my daydreams I can have what I want.  I can still look, can't I?

IT'S THE PERFECT TIME TO PANIC!!

I went to a wedding today with my family, but I wasn't thinking about the happy couple.  I was thinking about what happened before the wedding--before we even left the neighborhood.  I couldn't think about anything else.


I was dressed and ready to go to the wedding, but first I wanted to deliver something that I made for T, since I've been determined to step up while he's recovering from his accident. I knocked on the door, but there was no answer.  So, I used the key from the usual spot and let myself in.  I didn't see him, and suddenly I thought that he might have "company".  I tried to be as quiet as possible as I tiptoed through the house like a mouse trying not to wake up the cat.  I was going to put the lasagna in the fridge and get out of there.  That was my plan, anyway.


It didn't quite work out that way.  On the way back from the kitchen I ran into him, freshly showered and wearing not a stitch on him.  I have to admit that I could not help but get a good look before I covered my eyes and he dove into the bedroom.  BTW, he has a scar on his abdomen and all the rumors that I've heard are true.

When he returned, wearing a bathingsuit, he tried to break the ice by joking about how I'm making him fat with all of the food.  Seriously, the man does not have an inch of fat on his perfectly formed body.  Anyway, I'm not panicking about that.  That happened innocently enough.  It was what happened afterwards that is making me freak out.  He complimented the way I looked in the new dress, and one thing led to another until we suddenly kissed.


It wasn't one of those neighborly kisses, or one that you would give to a family member.  It was a hot, passionate kiss that practically blew my shoes off.  I've never experienced a kiss like that, and it wasn't just a kiss.  It may have been a prelude to something else if I had not slammed on the brakes.  Then we both realized what we were doing, and split apart like we were burning.  Well, we were.


I was so panicked afterwards, that I didn't stay long enough to listen to him apologize.  I just got the hell out of there.   Ran like a scared little rabbit running away from a wolf. A wolf that I'm extremely attracted to, by the way, and I can't seem to get out of my mind.  


Now, I'm back from the wedding and wondering what I should do.  I know one thing--I definitely have to stay away from T.  At least for a week to let this cool down...but I don't want to.

IT DIDN'T WORK. FAILURE AGAIN!!!

I tried.  I swear to God, I tried.  Desperate times calls for desperate measures, so I tried.


I made his favorite food.  I put our son to bed early.  I tried to get his attention, but was rejected...again.  I don't know how much more my ego can take. 

A half-hour ago, after he went to bed, I was literally crying in the bathtub and praying for guidance.  Now, I'm sitting bleary-eyed in front of the computer, and I'm still miserable.   I wish that I had a husband that did not take me for granted--I really do.   I desperately need support from him so that my mind does not start to wander.  The problem is that I know exactly where to find the support I need, but it's not an option.  I wish it were that easy.

I'm wishing so many things at this point.  I'm close to the edge, and hoping that I will not fall.

Wishing that I would not fall?  He is practically pushing me off the cliff!  If he knew how close I was to jumping, would he even care?  I  can't stress how mad I am.  He keeps rejecting me, and making me feel horrible about myself.  I spent the past few days fretting about what happened with T, and how I need to avoid him to try to get my marriage back on track.  But, I am not happy in this marriage and P doesn't seem to care that I have been neglected.  He does not notice me at all.  I'm just the lady who cleans the house, cooks the food and takes care of his child.  Other than that, I'm invisible.


I'm done making the first move, or any move.  I'm so sexually frustrated right now, I could gnaw open a can of tomatoes with my eye teeth.  But, I won't let my mind wander and jump into the fantasy land where my lover is incredibly hot, he worships the ground I walk on and we can't keep our hands off each other (with no consequences, mind you).  


Well, at least in my imagination, I can have a good time.  That's all I've got right now.

THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK

This is so stupid.  I know that it's not going to work.  What make me think that another attempt at seduction will work?


P is already parked in front of the television, and letting me clean up the kitchen by myself.  He didn't even tell me that he liked the food.  His favorite food.  He just ate,  put his plate in the sink, and then walked into the living room to watch the Phillies. The damn Phillies!  I guess that I should be happy that he put his plate in the sink, but I would love to smash everything in it.

I'm determined to try, though.  Take a stab at it.  Open myself up for humiliation--again.  Try to avoid the craving for ice cream that I've been having all day.  I'll be lean, and hungry, and irresistible to my indifferent husband.  I hope.  


If this does not work, I don't know what to do.  I'm standing at the edge of a cliff right now, and P needs to talk me back from the edge or I'll fall off.

FORGET WHAT I SAID

I am a complete lunatic.  I'm out of my mind!  I should delete that last post. I am seeing things that are not there.  I just don't know the rules of this "just friends" thing.  I've never had a male friend before.  I'm just confusing "fondness" for "love".  T's fond of me, and it goes both ways.  He's not in love with me, and I'm not in love with him.  I'm sure about that.  It was just my soap opera watching, romance novel inspired,  extremely overactive imagination.

,

T says nice things about me, and knowing who he is and especially what he looks like, I'm  flabbergasted.  I'm overreacting! He only sees me as the married next door neighbor that is his good friend, who sends over a tray of lasagna once in a while.  That's all.  That's all I am, and all that I should be.  What am I getting so worried about?


Maybe I just miss seeing him since his mother is there and taking care of him while he's laid up after the accident.   I'm out of the loop right now, and it's driving me crazy.  I just want to be useful, I guess, help a little bit? That's all.


She's leaving tonight, and I'll check in if he doesn't have any visitors.  I'll bring him something to eat.  Things will be back to normal then.

I hope

I HAVE FEELINGS THAT I DO NOT WANT BUT CANNOT CONTROL

I'm addicted to T.  Maybe it's because he's so different than the other man in my life, who can be cold, distant and indifferent.  T is so much more supportive, comforting, and enthusiastic about the person that I am.  In a word, he is more loving, and I can't get enough.


Does T actually love me?  I don't know.  But if you take into account his actions, he does.  T is always there when I need him.  Right now, he is my best friend, before any other--male or female.  I feel like I've known him forever.  The problem is that I'm having a problem with feelings for T that are getting out of hand. 


How did this happen?  I used to hate him. I used to catch T staring at me, and it would make me uncomfortable.  It was the way that he looked at me.  There were these long and probing stares from a man who didn't want to miss a thing.  No man ever looked at me like that;  not even my own husband.  I tried to ignore the attention and not think about how he made me feel.  But, he was slowly bringing me back to life, making me feel truly attractive for the first time in my life.


Now I can't stop thinking about him.   I want to look at him, smell his skin, be in his presence.   I enjoy his company.   I want to be with him, but not in the biblical sense.  I could just sit in the same room with him, and be content.   We wouldn't even have to talk.  


That's what scares me the most.  I am truly comfortable with him around.  Does that mean that I'm in love with him?  If it does, then I shouldn't be, and it's a problem.  God help me.