THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE OUT OF THE LOOP

Frank Tempest died on Christmas Eve.  

I didn't find that out until yesterday.  I visited the nursing home after almost a month away.  I went to his room, as usual, but he was not there.  That was when the nurse told me that he was no longer with us.  Frank died of an apparent heart attack while asleep at the age of 90.  Rest in Peace, my friend.  I will miss you.

I must say that the news hit me between the eyes, although it was not unexpected.  Frank's health had been deteriorating for the past six months, and along with the onset of Alzheimer's (or whatever it was), it was only going to get worse.  It was tough seeing him losing his toughness, wit,  and memory.  He had become a shell of the man that I knew, and maybe it was better off that he died in his sleep.  It was a peaceful way for a man of his stature to leave this world.  

I wonder what I would have done if I had known about it in time.  Would I have gone to the wake or funeral?  Probably not.  It would have been selfish to insert myself into their life, causing further grief or hardship.  However much I would have wanted to see T, comfort him, and pay my respects to his grandfather, it would have been foolish to show my face there.  I'm glad that the decision was made for me.

As for my wish to send condolences, I debated whether I should send a card or call.  After much deliberation, I  decided that sending a card would be too formal.   I found Anita's Avon card (she sells it), took a deep breath, and called her.   I assure you that the conversation was not comfortable, but she was polite.  Eventually, I did ask how T was doing, and she said that he was "as well as could be expected".  With no other questions left that I was courageous enough to ask, I said goodbye.

I came short of asking where T was, because I didn't want to put her in that position.  Maybe she would not have told me, anyway.   I was tempted to request that she tell him that I missed him, but I didn't do that either.  It would have been stupid of me.  What good would it have done?  I think that he knows that I miss him.  Question is...does he miss me?

I guess that I will never know.

P IS TAKING DEREK AWAY, AND I'M GOING TO GET LOST

P is taking Derek away.  Well, not for good--not now, anyway.  

He came home and told me that he decided to take Derek camping because, in his words, he can't stomach spending the weekend with me--his wayward wife.  That's what it all boils down to.  Luckily, it is going to be a nice weekend, so that Derek doesn't have to freeze his ass off because of me.  They are going to be in a cabin, so if it rains, he's covered.

After being informed that my son would be gone from tomorrow morning until Sunday night, I was directed to help get the stuff together, pack food and clothing, etc.  We worked as a family unit for the first time since Tuesday.  However after Derek was in bed, I attempted to talk to P,  and I was pitched out of the house, as is the custom these days.  Before I left, I was informed that I should return at six, because they plan to leave at seven.  Someone has to make breakfast.  Got to keep the charade going, right?

When I walked through the back door of T's empty house (or so I thought, since I knew that he was working late), I was extremely melancholy, and wanted to curl up into a ball on the couch, only lifting my head long enough to stick it into a gallon of chocolate ice cream.  No such luck, because first of all--T doesn't have a stash of ice cream--stupid man, and second--the couch was already taken.  T's mother, Anita, was there waiting for me.  

I didn't know how to react. She saw that I was apprehensive (to say the least--I wanted to run out of there), so she patted her hand on the couch and asked me to sit down.  She knew everything.  I was relieved, because  I didn't know how was I going to explain that I just waltzed in his house unannounced.  Once she told me that she knew about the lost baby, I fell apart completely, and she comforted me.  I needed that so much.  Up to that point, the secret was locked inside me. There had been no one to tell about my latest tragedy--not my friends, or my family.   It needed to come out.  

Of course, as I was crying in the couch with his mother, T walked in, wondering what she had done to me.  Oh, by the way, he did return last night.  He found me, and I was able to apologize for being such an unreasonable bitch  (my words--not his).

As always, after I retired to the guest room, I couldn't sleep.  I smelled smoke in the air, and got out of bed to investigate.  T was in the living room, lying on the couch since his mother was sleeping in his room for the night.  He had been having a hard time sleeping as well, and started a fire in the fireplace. When he saw me, he immediately sat up, looking a bit uncomfortable because I was standing there in my robe.  He joked that I was trying to torture him walking in looking that way.  I actually smiled.

He told me that he's been thinking about what he had done to my life, and was truly sorry.  I told him that he was not the only one to blame for the mess that I am in, and that we were drawn to each other because of mutual affection.  I apologized again for ripping his head off yesterday.  He said that I needed to vent, and deserved it.  Well, I don't think that's true.

T said that he hated to see me like this, and wanted to do something to cheer me up--take me away from everything.  Since Derek would not be home all weekend, he offered to take me somewhere overnight (just as friends...I laughed too).   At first, I dismissed the idea as crazy, because I thought it impossible for us to go away together without temptation.  But, he insisted, swearing that it could work.  I was not looking forward to being in an empty home, so I have changed my mind.  We'll see if this works.

So tomorrow morning, I will be there to wake Derek up, make him breakfast and get him ready to leave me (have to be there at 6 am tomorrow, so what am still I still doing up tapping away on my laptop?).  Once they have left, T will take me somewhere.  I don't know where he is taking me, because it is a secret, but I'll be back on Sunday.  Hopefully, my head will be clear, and I will be rested and ready for the fight ahead.

YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS--THE KISS WAS JUST THAT--A KISS

I went for a walk once the sun went down yesterday.  I guess that I wanted to walk off some of the anxiety that I have been feeling lately, and get away from the brownies that have been calling my name.  I was a good idea to get some exercise, because I have been downright lazy, gaining a pound since last week.  It might not seem like a big deal, but I was one pound away from twenty.  Now I am two.  Damn those brownies!

Well, you can guess what happened next.  Halfway down the road, T was calling out to me, telling me to slow down.  He wanted to talk.  I sped up.  But, eventually, I stopped because he started to get dizzy trying to catch me.  We sat down and talked.

He asked me if I was avoiding him, and that was a stupid question because he knows damn well that I've been avoiding him and why.  He played down the incident, saying that it was nothing to be concerned about.  It was just a kiss...that's all...curiosity took over and lead to a minor mistake that he promised will never happen again. 

I wish that I could believe that.  Should I be insulted, since it was no big deal to him, and I was so freaked out?  Maybe I am overreacting.   Maybe I'm letting my fantasies take over reality, and I'm seeing things that are not there.  I don't know what to think.


Anyway, things are back to normal.  I have my friend back, and I am no longer running scared.  I just wish that I could erase my memory of that kiss.

A HOSPITAL VISIT TO SEE T

Today, I dropped off Derek at Chloe's house and I visited T's room.  When I saw him, I was in shock.  I've never seen him like that.  He is always so strong, almost a towering figure, and today he was just lying there, asleep--almost helpless.  


I touched his head.  I couldn't help myself.  Suddenly he opened those steel blue eyes and was awake.  He saw my own teary eyes,  smiled and laughed at my tears and the concerned look on my face.  He tried to convince me that he was okay, but I hated seeing him like that, with cuts and bruises, looking like hell.  

Oh by the way, I finally met his "good friend", Trudi.  The one that actually liked the goatee that I told him looked ridiculous (and he did shave it off, by the way). She sashayed into the room looking every bit the model that she is.  Blonde, young and beautiful with everything in its proper place--and nothing plastic like Roberta.  She's practically perfect, body-wise, and who can compete with that?  Although, she did seem a little light in the brain area (does that sound petty?).  He introduced me as his neighbor next door, and she recognized my name.  Then she turned her full attention to him, like I was not even there. Since they have, on occasion, been more than friends,  I felt a little out of place, so I left.


I hope that he's in good hands, but I have a feeling that Trudi's only good for one thing.

WHEN FRIENDS MOVE AWAY - WITH COMMENTARY

Philip, Derek and I went to dinner last night at our next door neighbor's house on the left side, the Girardi's (Roberta is on the other side). AND ROBERTA AND I DO NOT GET LIKE EACH OTHER AT ALL.  They said that they had something to tell us (WHICH IS NEVER A GOOD SIGN), and since it was a school night, I thought that it was a little out of the ordinary.  While we were there, they told us that they are moving to Texas because Bob has been transferred.  They will be gone within the month (SON OF A BITCH! NOW I'M STUCK WITH ROBERTA AND WILL HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN WITH SOMEONE ELSE ON THE OTHER SIDE!).

I am heartbroken for Derek .  The news hit him especially hard because he is friends with their two children, Jackie 10, and Curtis 8.  He and Curtis are like two peas in a pod, and Derek plays with him just about every day. (TO SAY THE LEAST- CURTIS IS HIS ONLY REAL FRIEND. WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO NOW?)  He doesn't seem to understand why things like this happen, and both Philip and I spent a lot of time talking to him about it.

I'm not looking forward to that day.