P has been giving me the silent treatment, and I don't know what's going to happen next. He must be getting a sick kind of thrill out of all of this.
Let me explain. Yesterday, P, Derek and I visited the house where I grew up to help celebrate my mother's birthday. I have been on edge for a while about this, because P has not informed me of his plans regarding the divorce that he is determined to get--he just told me that he wanted one, and has not said another word about it since Saturday night. I had tried my best to find out what he had planned before we took this one hour trip together, but I guess that he'd rather see me squirm.
So, in other words, I didn't know if or when he was going to stand up and announce to my side of the family that I was a lying, cheating whore. Was it going to be while my mother cut her birthday cake, or while she was opening her presents? A usually happy occasion was miserable. Reunion with aunts, uncles and my sister were tarnished by the fact that at any moment, P could drop the bomb to blow up my family's happiness. Every time he opened his mouth, I held my breath. He knew that I was afraid of what he might say, and took pleasure in the torture that it caused. Revenge must feel so sweet.
I didn't truly know that I was in the clear until we were in the van, driving home. I could finally breathe after such a harrowing day. I wanted to cry, but did not want to give him that satisfaction. The ride home was as silent as the ride there. For once, I didn't want to talk, and didn't wait for P to give me that "get lost" look once Derek fell asleep. I just wanted to get away from him.
Once I walked into T's house, I headed straight for the kitchen--didn't even say hi to T as I passed him sitting in the living room. I opened the fridge, stole a bottle of beer, opened it and seemed to suck it down in two seconds. I needed it so badly, and a beer never tasted so good.
"Is there a problem?" T asked.
I rolled my eyes, sighed, and then spent the rest of the evening venting about the day. Today, I returned to more silence, and more pretending to be the perfect wife at church, then the social afterwards. At night, once Derek was asleep, I was kicked out again. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
P is taking Derek away. Well, not for good--not now, anyway.
He came home and told me that he decided to take Derek camping because, in his words, he can't stomach spending the weekend with me--his wayward wife. That's what it all boils down to. Luckily, it is going to be a nice weekend, so that Derek doesn't have to freeze his ass off because of me. They are going to be in a cabin, so if it rains, he's covered.
After being informed that my son would be gone from tomorrow morning until Sunday night, I was directed to help get the stuff together, pack food and clothing, etc. We worked as a family unit for the first time since Tuesday. However after Derek was in bed, I attempted to talk to P, and I was pitched out of the house, as is the custom these days. Before I left, I was informed that I should return at six, because they plan to leave at seven. Someone has to make breakfast. Got to keep the charade going, right?
When I walked through the back door of T's empty house (or so I thought, since I knew that he was working late), I was extremely melancholy, and wanted to curl up into a ball on the couch, only lifting my head long enough to stick it into a gallon of chocolate ice cream. No such luck, because first of all--T doesn't have a stash of ice cream--stupid man, and second--the couch was already taken. T's mother, Anita, was there waiting for me.
I didn't know how to react. She saw that I was apprehensive (to say the least--I wanted to run out of there), so she patted her hand on the couch and asked me to sit down. She knew everything. I was relieved, because I didn't know how was I going to explain that I just waltzed in his house unannounced. Once she told me that she knew about the lost baby, I fell apart completely, and she comforted me. I needed that so much. Up to that point, the secret was locked inside me. There had been no one to tell about my latest tragedy--not my friends, or my family. It needed to come out.
Of course, as I was crying in the couch with his mother, T walked in, wondering what she had done to me. Oh, by the way, he did return last night. He found me, and I was able to apologize for being such an unreasonable bitch (my words--not his).
As always, after I retired to the guest room, I couldn't sleep. I smelled smoke in the air, and got out of bed to investigate. T was in the living room, lying on the couch since his mother was sleeping in his room for the night. He had been having a hard time sleeping as well, and started a fire in the fireplace. When he saw me, he immediately sat up, looking a bit uncomfortable because I was standing there in my robe. He joked that I was trying to torture him walking in looking that way. I actually smiled.
He told me that he's been thinking about what he had done to my life, and was truly sorry. I told him that he was not the only one to blame for the mess that I am in, and that we were drawn to each other because of mutual affection. I apologized again for ripping his head off yesterday. He said that I needed to vent, and deserved it. Well, I don't think that's true.
T said that he hated to see me like this, and wanted to do something to cheer me up--take me away from everything. Since Derek would not be home all weekend, he offered to take me somewhere overnight (just as friends...I laughed too). At first, I dismissed the idea as crazy, because I thought it impossible for us to go away together without temptation. But, he insisted, swearing that it could work. I was not looking forward to being in an empty home, so I have changed my mind. We'll see if this works.
So tomorrow morning, I will be there to wake Derek up, make him breakfast and get him ready to leave me (have to be there at 6 am tomorrow, so what am still I still doing up tapping away on my laptop?). Once they have left, T will take me somewhere. I don't know where he is taking me, because it is a secret, but I'll be back on Sunday. Hopefully, my head will be clear, and I will be rested and ready for the fight ahead.
