I'm fine. Thank you so much for your support.
Sorry about that last post. I even depressed myself when I read it, and I can only imagine what anyone else thought. I almost deleted it because it was so...damned...pitiful. But, it was about what's going on, so I kept it. Maybe it was because of the rain, or the fact that it was a dreaded Wednesday where memories flood back into my head like a tsunami. I guess that I should not blog when I'm having a bad day.
I've come to realize (at last) that I have become a bloggy bummer. I'm going to change that. I'm determined to snap out of it. As for this blog, there will be no more self-absorbed, melancholic and downright pitiful posts. I'm sure that everyone (including me) is sick of reading them, and I don't mean to bum anyone out. I'm just venting, and you've been my ventee (is that a word?).
My life now is what I chose, and even though it is not perfect, I have to live with it. I'm making a promise to myself to stop whining like a five year old. Time to pick myself off the ground, dust the dirt off of my clothes and get on with it. Get back to my, as Mark once told me, "Soap opera and Oprah watching, bored housewife" life. Did he really say that? Yes he did. It was back in June at the restaurant, when I still hated him. Didn't post that little detail at the time, but it was one of the reasons that I doused him with iced tea--among others. He had this gift of saying whatever was on his mind, and at that time, I did not appreciate it.
Life was so much simpler then. I knew what the ground rules were. I've got to get back to that. Unfortunately, my posts will become boring, but so will my life. Life in the fast lane was definitely more exciting, but I don't think that it was worth it.
Maybe I should find a hobby. Thanksgiving is coming, and I have much to be thankful for. I am a lucky woman, considering all that I've been through. I'm going to bury myself in holiday cheer (not the liquid kid, if you're wondering), busy myself with Christmas shopping, baking, etc. Help out with school parties and events. I'll be all right. From now on, it's time to grow up, accept the facts of my life, and make the best out of it. I am a strong woman...after all--or I will be. Like the song says, "I will survive!"
P is taking Derek away. Well, not for good--not now, anyway.
He came home and told me that he decided to take Derek camping because, in his words, he can't stomach spending the weekend with me--his wayward wife. That's what it all boils down to. Luckily, it is going to be a nice weekend, so that Derek doesn't have to freeze his ass off because of me. They are going to be in a cabin, so if it rains, he's covered.
After being informed that my son would be gone from tomorrow morning until Sunday night, I was directed to help get the stuff together, pack food and clothing, etc. We worked as a family unit for the first time since Tuesday. However after Derek was in bed, I attempted to talk to P, and I was pitched out of the house, as is the custom these days. Before I left, I was informed that I should return at six, because they plan to leave at seven. Someone has to make breakfast. Got to keep the charade going, right?
When I walked through the back door of T's empty house (or so I thought, since I knew that he was working late), I was extremely melancholy, and wanted to curl up into a ball on the couch, only lifting my head long enough to stick it into a gallon of chocolate ice cream. No such luck, because first of all--T doesn't have a stash of ice cream--stupid man, and second--the couch was already taken. T's mother, Anita, was there waiting for me.
I didn't know how to react. She saw that I was apprehensive (to say the least--I wanted to run out of there), so she patted her hand on the couch and asked me to sit down. She knew everything. I was relieved, because I didn't know how was I going to explain that I just waltzed in his house unannounced. Once she told me that she knew about the lost baby, I fell apart completely, and she comforted me. I needed that so much. Up to that point, the secret was locked inside me. There had been no one to tell about my latest tragedy--not my friends, or my family. It needed to come out.
Of course, as I was crying in the couch with his mother, T walked in, wondering what she had done to me. Oh, by the way, he did return last night. He found me, and I was able to apologize for being such an unreasonable bitch (my words--not his).
As always, after I retired to the guest room, I couldn't sleep. I smelled smoke in the air, and got out of bed to investigate. T was in the living room, lying on the couch since his mother was sleeping in his room for the night. He had been having a hard time sleeping as well, and started a fire in the fireplace. When he saw me, he immediately sat up, looking a bit uncomfortable because I was standing there in my robe. He joked that I was trying to torture him walking in looking that way. I actually smiled.
He told me that he's been thinking about what he had done to my life, and was truly sorry. I told him that he was not the only one to blame for the mess that I am in, and that we were drawn to each other because of mutual affection. I apologized again for ripping his head off yesterday. He said that I needed to vent, and deserved it. Well, I don't think that's true.
T said that he hated to see me like this, and wanted to do something to cheer me up--take me away from everything. Since Derek would not be home all weekend, he offered to take me somewhere overnight (just as friends...I laughed too). At first, I dismissed the idea as crazy, because I thought it impossible for us to go away together without temptation. But, he insisted, swearing that it could work. I was not looking forward to being in an empty home, so I have changed my mind. We'll see if this works.
So tomorrow morning, I will be there to wake Derek up, make him breakfast and get him ready to leave me (have to be there at 6 am tomorrow, so what am still I still doing up tapping away on my laptop?). Once they have left, T will take me somewhere. I don't know where he is taking me, because it is a secret, but I'll be back on Sunday. Hopefully, my head will be clear, and I will be rested and ready for the fight ahead.
