This morning, I saw Doug, the "creepy guy" at the grocery store. Well, I never called him the "creepy guy" before T gave him that tag. I always thought that he was just a nice guy who always helped me load groceries into my car. That was until he made me uncomfortable one day, and T was there to diffuse the situation. About a month later, T told me that the guy was leering at, and talking directly to, my breasts. Now I call Doug the "creepy guy". Problem is, that I have no-one to talk to about him.
Such is life these days. I see the creepy guy, and I think of T. There are so many things that remind me of him. When I pass a black SUV, I think of him. When I see a Harley Davidson, ditto. Many of the thoughts come out of nowhere, some that shouldn't remind me of him at all...like going to church. You know how it is..."lead us not into temptation"? When I think of the word "temptation", I think of him. His picture might as well be next to the definition of the word. T might not be around, but it hasn't stopped me from thinking about him. One of these days, I'll be able to finish a sentence without saying to myself..."and then I thought about T".
Speaking of church. I went to confession. Bless me father, for I have sinned...confessed everything...affair, pregnancy...constant impure thoughts that won't stop, etc. Not at our local Catholic church, mind you, because I didn't want to face Father Hanley. I went a few towns over to a priest who has never seen or heard of me. He said that I made the right decision to try to repair my marriage, and should go with Philip to marriage counseling. Well...yeah...that's a great idea. I would be more than happy to go to counseling. Unfortunately, that would not fit into Philip's schedule--ever!
As for Philip, he is not making life easy. He knows that a choice had to be made between him and T, and I chose him (well...technically, I chose Derek). T and I are miserable, and that must make him very happy. For example, he saw me staring into space the other day and he snickered, reminding me that I should not worry about "my lover" moving on. T could just open up his little black book and start with the A's. It was so nice of him to point that out.
T can move on, and I truly hope that he does. Really...I do (I think). As for me, I seem to be stuck in a time warp--wishing that it was September again. I'll even take August--before the affair, when we were just friends. I'll even take June, when I hated his guts--anything! After a week, I just want to see him, talk to him or be near him. There is this hole in my life that only he can fill.
This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I find myself listening to Bread, and Barry Manilow songs, and there are no happy ones. That's not a good thing. I can only hope that eventually I will be able to wake up in the morning without wishing that I was still in bed.
P is taking Derek away. Well, not for good--not now, anyway.
He came home and told me that he decided to take Derek camping because, in his words, he can't stomach spending the weekend with me--his wayward wife. That's what it all boils down to. Luckily, it is going to be a nice weekend, so that Derek doesn't have to freeze his ass off because of me. They are going to be in a cabin, so if it rains, he's covered.
After being informed that my son would be gone from tomorrow morning until Sunday night, I was directed to help get the stuff together, pack food and clothing, etc. We worked as a family unit for the first time since Tuesday. However after Derek was in bed, I attempted to talk to P, and I was pitched out of the house, as is the custom these days. Before I left, I was informed that I should return at six, because they plan to leave at seven. Someone has to make breakfast. Got to keep the charade going, right?
When I walked through the back door of T's empty house (or so I thought, since I knew that he was working late), I was extremely melancholy, and wanted to curl up into a ball on the couch, only lifting my head long enough to stick it into a gallon of chocolate ice cream. No such luck, because first of all--T doesn't have a stash of ice cream--stupid man, and second--the couch was already taken. T's mother, Anita, was there waiting for me.
I didn't know how to react. She saw that I was apprehensive (to say the least--I wanted to run out of there), so she patted her hand on the couch and asked me to sit down. She knew everything. I was relieved, because I didn't know how was I going to explain that I just waltzed in his house unannounced. Once she told me that she knew about the lost baby, I fell apart completely, and she comforted me. I needed that so much. Up to that point, the secret was locked inside me. There had been no one to tell about my latest tragedy--not my friends, or my family. It needed to come out.
Of course, as I was crying in the couch with his mother, T walked in, wondering what she had done to me. Oh, by the way, he did return last night. He found me, and I was able to apologize for being such an unreasonable bitch (my words--not his).
As always, after I retired to the guest room, I couldn't sleep. I smelled smoke in the air, and got out of bed to investigate. T was in the living room, lying on the couch since his mother was sleeping in his room for the night. He had been having a hard time sleeping as well, and started a fire in the fireplace. When he saw me, he immediately sat up, looking a bit uncomfortable because I was standing there in my robe. He joked that I was trying to torture him walking in looking that way. I actually smiled.
He told me that he's been thinking about what he had done to my life, and was truly sorry. I told him that he was not the only one to blame for the mess that I am in, and that we were drawn to each other because of mutual affection. I apologized again for ripping his head off yesterday. He said that I needed to vent, and deserved it. Well, I don't think that's true.
T said that he hated to see me like this, and wanted to do something to cheer me up--take me away from everything. Since Derek would not be home all weekend, he offered to take me somewhere overnight (just as friends...I laughed too). At first, I dismissed the idea as crazy, because I thought it impossible for us to go away together without temptation. But, he insisted, swearing that it could work. I was not looking forward to being in an empty home, so I have changed my mind. We'll see if this works.
So tomorrow morning, I will be there to wake Derek up, make him breakfast and get him ready to leave me (have to be there at 6 am tomorrow, so what am still I still doing up tapping away on my laptop?). Once they have left, T will take me somewhere. I don't know where he is taking me, because it is a secret, but I'll be back on Sunday. Hopefully, my head will be clear, and I will be rested and ready for the fight ahead.
There was a horrible accident last night--Terrible! A family of five was in their van on the highway, and collided with another larger vehicle, head on. Everyone in the vehicle died, except for the youngest daughter who was in critical condition. When I saw the report on the news, I thought it unbelievably tragic, but didn't think that I would be touched by it at all, since I did not know these people. I just turned off the television, because I could no longer watch it. It was depressing. I prayed for the little girl left behind.
At twelve o'clock, the house was so peaceful. Derek and Philip were in bed, the television was off, the lights were out, and you could hear a pin drop. I was in the tub taking a long, hot bath--just relaxing and enjoying the quiet. Then my cell phone rang.
I saw that it was T's number. The first thing that he said was "They're all dead."
It was at that moment that I realized that he was working last night. He had been at the scene of the accident, and I could tell by his voice that he had been traumatized. He only wanted to talk, but I knew that he needed comfort. I immediately dressed, sneaked out the back door, and walked right over there to do just that.
He told me about the scene at the accident, the carnage of it all, and about the badly burned little girl who mercifully died at the hospital. He confessed that he was sick of seeing scenes like that. It seemed to open the floodgates of his soul. He opened up completely, telling me some secrets about himself. I finally found out why he left the Navy, which was something I thought that he would never tell, and what happened after that, until the day that I met him.
Afterwards, I must have fallen asleep, which was a stupid mistake. Unfortunately, I did not awaken until six in the morning, and obviously, I was not where I was supposed to be. I instantly started to shake, but thanked God it was Saturday morning. Any morning during the week would have be nightmarish, because Philip usually rises at six each weekday. Saturdays, he sleeps later--sometimes seven or eight or nine. It all depends on the time of Derek's soccer game. Today's game was at 11 am, so I really didn't know what time Philip planned to get up.
Suddenly, I felt like I was a teenager out past curfew, but with much more serious consequences. My mind was spinning as I dressed, and I wished that I could blink myself into the house like "Jeannie". I was nearly frozen with fear, trying to think of believable excuses. Did I go for an early walk? Was I sitting in the backyard reading a book? Either excuse was worthless, because at six o' clock this morning, it was 40 degrees and dark.
Finally, I had the courage to try. I sneaked outside into T's backyard, through the fence separating our yards, and into my backyard. The lights were still out, and that was a good sign. I slowly opened the sliding glass door, and slid inside the house. I made it. Thank God!
After all that worry, I found that Derek and Philip were still asleep in their beds. I planned on pretending that I fell asleep on the couch to explain why I never made it into the bedroom last night, but nobody asked. Philip didn't know that I had been missing, and basically could not care less.
Now that Philip and Derek have left for the soccer game, and I am writing about last night's events, I realize that I could have been caught so easily. Today might have been the day when everything came out--luckily it was not. Obviously, I have to be more careful, and I can't ever do this again.
