THE SECRET INNER TORTURED LIFE OF A LIAR

I am a liar and a cheat.  There, I've admitted it.  Okay?  Thank you for reminding me.  You got me.  Thank you for your messages.  Now, it is time for me to respond.

Why do I admit this?  Well, it's true--first of all.  I never thought that I'd do anything like this after being married for ten years.  I thought that I would remain a faithful wife and mother for the rest of my life.  Maybe if I was a happily married woman, none of this would have happened.  But I'm not, and it did.  Things change.

For your information, this is not a "typical lonely desperate housewife" situation.  I'm not sleeping with the pool boy just to satisfy my needs.  T and I were friends first, and then the relationship changed.  It is not just sexual.  We were best friends before the affair even started.  Now, I believe that he is the love of my life.

I am well aware of what this could do to my family unit, and I do care about what could happen.  I think about the consequences constantly--more than you can possibly know.  I know that this can't last forever, and what I will do if the affair is exposed.  I will choose what is best for my son.  I will sacrifice my happiness for his.  Does that make you happy?

I know about T's past.  I believe in my heart that he is not "playing me".   I believe that he loves me and that I am not another conquest for his so-called checklist.  I could be wrong, but he could have a lover will a lot less trouble somewhere else.  Someone, for instance, who is not married.

Do you think that this is easy?  I'm here to tell you that it is not.  I have become paranoid, thinking that I will be exposed at any minute.  T and I can't go anywhere together, and I avoid him most of the time.  I see him less than I used to before the affair started, because I am afraid of people finding out about us.  I cannot show public affection to the man I love.  Do you know how hard that is?  

I wish that things were different.  Maybe if I met T eleven years ago, I would not be in this situation.  But eleven years ago, T was a different man, and I probably would not have fallen in love with him.  More importantly, if I had not met and married P,  I would not have Derek, and he is truly one person that I could not live without.  So here I am, stuck between two worlds.

It is not easy living a double life.  I don't like keeping secrets and lying to those I love, but I have no choice.  I have to grab happiness while I can.