Saturday, November 14, 2015


I guess that I can't blame him for feeling this way.  

I know it.  I see the frown that appears on his face whenever I walk into a room.  I can tell it when he looks at me.  The contempt is hard to hide.   Before the affair, I used to think that he didn't love me anymore.  He was bored with me, or didn't desire me anymore.  But now, after the smoke has cleared from my indiscretion,  I know for sure that my roommate hates my guts.

Sure, I know that I'm talking about the man who is my husband, but can I really call him that?  We no longer act like a married couple unless we are putting on an Oscar winning performance for our family and friends.  Derek doesn't seem to pick up the fact that we are married "in name only", and that's a good thing, but how long can we keep this up?  Will this get any better, or are we doomed?

Dear Wayward Wife, I hate you! Sincerely, Your Pissed Off Husband.

Today included a flawless performance to submit to the Academy.  We were at a picnic for the end of the soccer league season.  I was working diligently with other mothers, setting up and serving the food.   Meanwhile, Philip chatted with other people that we knew, including Roberta.  As I watched him, he glanced in my direction as if to say, "what the hell are you looking at?".  I felt a chill go up my spine.  I could feel it.  He hates me.  But, nobody else can tell.  As far as everyone else was concerned, we are still the perfect family that we always were.

There was a coaches vs referees game, and at the end of it, trophies were handed out to all the kids who participated in the league.  Derek has another trophy for the shelf, and the three of us took a picture together with a proud Derek in the middle.  When I look at it, I could see the smiles that we faked, and the fact that we tried to be as far away from each other as possible, while both touching the person who is the only reason why we are still together.

Tonight, after putting Derek to bed, we returned to our separate areas of the house.  We don't talk, we don't laugh, we don't love.  We are just roommates who can't stand each other.  Tomorrow, we will do the same thing at church.  Act like a happy family until there in no one left in the audience.

The perfect family.   What a beautiful façade.  What an incredible crock.

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