Thursday, November 5, 2015


"Get your skinny ass over here," he said, after I told him that I didn't eat breakfast yet.  

It was yesterday at nine a.m., Derek was already at school, and I had planned to spend the day cleaning, or curled up in a pathetic ball in the bedroom--didn't know which road to choose.  I knew that T was home all day, however I didn't want to "go there".  But T called to check on me, because I've been a wreck lately.  When I answered his question, he gave me no choice.  He was making breakfast, and I was going to eat it.  No arguments.  So I got my "skinny ass" over there.  

Did he really say "skinny ass"?  Go figure.  I never thought I'd ever hear those two words directed at me.  But, after four months of dieting, exercising, worrying, crying, and stress cleaning, I have lost 30 lbs.  I'm almost at my goal weight, and I didn't even realize that I was this close.  So much else has been going on.  Weight loss has been the least of my problems.

Breakfast was bacon and eggs, home fries, toast, OJ, coffee.  It was delicious, and I ate like a pig (or like I had not eaten much since Saturday night...which was true).   I didn't realize that he could cook so well, because even though I used to show up each Wednesday at nine-thirty, I never went there for breakfast.  I was usually there for...well...something else.  Anyway...

I thought that it would be awkward to be there with him on a Wednesday during the day, considering what I know, and the fact that we still love each other.  But, he made me feel at ease.  He wanted to cheer me up, and not in the usual "Wednesday" kind of way.  It was more like it used to be over the summer--easy conversation, teasing, and laughing.  God how I needed to laugh!  I missed it.

Later on, while we sat on the couch in the living room, the conversation turned to my situation.   T assured me that I shouldn't worry, and that he knows in his heart that P will take me back, and it would be sooner rather than later.  I was a bit doubtful, but he insisted that P loves Derek too much to let the family fall apart.  P just needed time, and he knew that I would not give up until my family was back on track.  When the time comes, T is ready to take himself out of the picture.  His bags are already packed.

Then, of course, I said something stupid.   I told him that it wouldn't be as easy for me to leave him (insinuating that was easy for him to pack up and leave me).  He bristled when I said that.  He said that it was incredibly hard for him to leave.  He would much rather that I picked him, instead of P, but he knew that it was not going to happen.  

So much for the easy conversation.

But the uneasiness did not last long, as he suddenly dropped the subject.  He started to talk about the weather of all things.  It was a desperate act--grasping at straws to avoid talking about the inevitable.  Ignoring the reality that even though we love each other, we are doomed to be apart.

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