TIME TO GIVE UP

You know I looked for an image for "give up".  All that I seemed to find were images for "don't give up", or "never give up".  I had to make my own, because that's what I am going to do.  I've decided to give up on this wild goose chase. 

I don't know why I tried to look for T, but I have concluded that I  had temporarily lost my mind.   Maybe it was because I felt bad about how we left things, but he was not blind sided, as Trudi has suggested.  I knew that I would pick Derek, and he knew it too.   He knows me.  He knows that I would never be happy if I was away from my son.  I think that is why he won't let me find him now. 

I've been having vivid dreams, day and night, about a wonderful reunion.  I would find him, tell him that I still love and miss him, and from then on, we would be together.   I could be with him, and I would not lose Derek to a bitter P.  Somehow, everything would work out perfectly, and everyone would be happy.  That is just a fantasy, of course.   I wish that I could have a romance novel ending, but that's not going to happen in real life.  It's time to let go of the fantasy. 

So, it's back to real life.  I have my son, who is content with life the way it is.  I have my small business, which continues to grow little by little.  Spring is around the corner, and plenty of activities follow.  I have no time to think of lost hopes and dreams.  It's time to develop new dreams.

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT--OR MADE ME MORE CURIOUS...SOMETHING LIKE THAT

Needless to say that after my pleasant conversation with Trudi, I have realized that T has not moved on, or dropped off the face of the Earth.  She acted like she sees him regularly, so he may even be back in Ackerland, for instance.   I wanted to find out.  I needed to find out, and I know that I will not get any information from Trudi or Anita because the last thing they want is me back in the picture.

So, I drove to the Ackerland airport yesterday.  It was a longshot, to say the least.  But, I was itching for some answers...probably lonely and starved for companionship...I must admit.  Without reservations, I just drove all the way up there without calling first, and didn't even know if anyone would be there, or if the place was even open. 

The airport was deserted, which must be usual for this time of year (what am I, an expert about airports now?), however, T's friend Jim was in the office.   I figured that he, of all people, must know where of his whereabouts, and would give me some concrete information.

What did I find out?  Absolutely nothing...of course!  I asked him outright if he knew where T was, and looked straight into his eyes, trying to attack him with my imaginary "truth ray"--didn't work.  He said that he had not heard from T in months, and that he might have gone to Florida to be with his kid.  I wasn't going to say it to his face, but I could tell that he was lying, and felt uncomfortable with his answer.  Unfortunately,  I couldn't water board the guy to get my information.   There was nothing else that I could do, but to give him my number to contact me if he found anything out.  I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for him to call.

I don't know what I expected.   It seems that all of T's friends and relatives are working against me. Maybe it's because T does not want me to know where he is--possibly "for my own good", or his own good.  I don't know if I should feel guilty, or relieved that he is as miserable as I am.  I have to tell you that the thought of Trudi "getting him back to normal" bothers me.  I know what she insinuated, and I'm jealous.

I want to scream out loud!  I don't even know why I am doing this! If I ever do find T, what will I do then?  I'm still in the same situation as before, with a son's happiness at stake.  I do not want to destroy it.   My conscience tells me to forget about him and move on, but as hard as I try,  I can't.  After all this time, I still love him.

I really don't know what I'm going to do next.  I know that many of are thinking, "there she goes again".  Well, you're right.  Just when I though that I had it all figured out, something happened, and I realized that I have no idea what I'm doing.

FYI...CONFRONTATIONS ARE NOT FUN

Today started out great.  Now, you know that whenever I start a post with that sentence, it means that something went wrong.  You would be correct.

Where do I start?  Well, since it was a rainy day, I decided to go to the mall and spend some of the money that I have earned since my first catering job on Super Bowl Sunday.  I know that Philip said that the money "is not much and not worth the effort...blah, blah blah", but I have earned enough of it to buy something small, at least.  So, I did just that.

Lately, going to the mall has been tricky for me.  There are a lot of memories floating around in "Burnett's Gym", and "Spiders Bar and Restaurant", as well as the dreaded lingerie store, "Sensual Things".  I felt a little heavy-hearted when I passed "Sensual Things", since the only reason I ever stepped foot into that place was because of T, and I haven't been in there since (what's the point).  But, I had to pass that store to get to my destination--another clothing store, where I found a great outfit that was on sale.  Had to go down another size, by the way.  Just saying...

So I was feeling pretty good as I walked back from the clothing store, and I was about to pass the aforementioned lingerie store door when I ran into T's "good friend", Trudi (if you don't recognize who this is, click the link).

If you said "Uh oh", then you had the right instinct.  

When she started out the conversation by saying "Oh look who it is...the perfect wife," I realized that it was not going to be a pleasant chat.  I was right.  It went downhill from there.  I guess that she has been waiting for an opportunity to blast me, and it all came out at once.  

Trudi asked if I had even thought once about T's feelings at all before I made the decision to "dump him".  She told me that I ruined her best friend, and "he is not fun anymore" because of my selfishness, but not to worry because she would "make sure" that he got back to normal in spite of me.  Nice little dig, there.

I was shocked and embarrassed, to say the least, to be dressed down in public by Trudi.  I felt as if I were being scolded like a mischievous child.  She did not yell, or make a scene, but there was a certain venom in her voice that informed me that I was deeply despised by this woman.    She really does care a great deal for T, and she blamed me for everything under the sun.  

I wanted to tell her that she had no idea how difficult my decision was, but I don't think that it would have mattered.  She had her mind made up, so there was no reason to  explain myself.   Finally, I no longer wanted to stand there to let her attack me any further, even if she might have been right.  I just walked away, making a quick escape, and she did not follow.  Rather, she yelled, "I hope you're happy".  I almost wanted to laugh when she said that.  I'm surviving, but happy is the last thing that I am.

When I made it back to the van, I allowed myself to sit for a moment and cry.  I realized that when I made the decision to give up T, I thought of everyone but myself--my husband, my extended family, my neighbors, and mostly Derek.  How would they be affected by my decision?  As for my own happiness, it had to go on the back burner.  I thought that I made a noble sacrifice for the tranquility of my son.  I still believe that I made the right decision at that time, and I've had to live with the consequences.  Regrets?  Many.  So many.  

I didn't think about how it would affect anyone else.  I should have.

I'M CHANGING ME

Good News.  My first catering job was a success!

Well you can't exactly call it full service catering, I guess.  Claudia picked it up and served it herself.  But, I did the cooking, and I got paid to do it--so it's catering.

Claudia called me that Sunday night and raved about the lasagna.   She said that her guests loved it too.  She asked me if I had a menu or business cards (which I did not), because her guests were asking about me and what else I would make.  I just told her to give them my number.  Since then, I have had a couple of jobs.  One, I did last weekend, and this weekend, I have another.  

I've worked out a small menu--some trays and some desserts.  I didn't even know what to call the business, so I just called it "Victoria's Catering" for now.  I ordered cards and they should be coming soon.

I could not sleep that first Sunday night because my mind was racing.  I was so nervous/excited/frightened about where this could lead.  Now, I'm just excited and proud of myself.  This is the first thing that is truly mine, and it is so satisfying to have money in pocket that I earned through my own effort.  It has been such a long time since I have been able to say that.  I'm changing for the better, and I like this woman.

P, as expected, is not as excited as I would have hoped.  Among other things, he says that it is not worth it to do all this work for a small amount of money.  I don't agree.  It doesn't take away from my time with Derek, or anything else that is important.  I enjoy it, and that is what matters.  This is for me.  

I don't know what it is with him.  Maybe he doesn't want me to have something of my own, or he doesn't want me to be happy.

Anyway, I could really care less what he thinks ;) 

OPPORTUNITY IS KNOCKING

Well, this came out of nowhere.

On Saturday, I worked at the annual baseball signup and fundraiser.  Every year, it is a fun indoor event in the cold of winter, where the community comes together at the local community center to sign up the kids for baseball, eat, play, etc.  I cooked for it, worked in the kitchen and behind the counter with a few other mothers serving the food.

The queen bee Claudia Perkins was there.  She organized the affair, as she does every year.  It is her baby.  Her minions were there as well, making the rounds, and doing absolutely nothing.  I think that I saw one of them throw a paper plate out once.  

Halfway throughout the afternoon, Claudia came into the kitchen and wanted to talk to me about my lasagna.  Needless to say, I was prepared for some kind of criticism.  Claudia is a control freak, I think that I have mentioned that before.  I was tired, a little sweaty and really was not in to mood for "well-intentioned suggestions".  I almost told her to get lost, but being the polite little mouse that I am, I couldn't do it.  I'm glad that I kept my mouth shut, because something wonderful happened.

She loved my lasagna.  Gushed over it.  That shocked me.  I don't know why, but maybe it is because I've never heard words of encouragement from her lips before--thought that I was in the Twilight Zone, or that she was drunk.  Then she asked a question that I was not expecting.  She wondered if I would make a couple of trays for a family party that she was having on Sunday.  She will pay me, of course, and pick them up.  It didn't not take me two seconds before I said yes.

I'm wondering if this is some kind of sign.  Maybe T was right about using my hobby as a business.  Do what I love, and it would make me happy.  I hope that this opportunity turns into something good.  I don't want to get ahead of myself, though.

TALKING TO MYSELF

On Saturday, Philip and Derek are going on another trip without me.  It's not an overnight trip, but it is yet another day out without me.  Alone again...naturally.  It happens all the time.  I spend an awful lot of time alone these days.  In fact, I am talking to myself.  I did it again at the grocery store, and some lady looked at me like I had just come out of the insane asylum. 

Yes, I know

Yes, I should be happy that P spends so much quality time with Derek.  He's a great father, without a doubt.  There are so many children out there without an active father, and Derek is extremely lucky that his father's world revolves around him.  Derek seems to be the only one who matters.   

P is a great father, it's true, but he's a lousy husband.  There--I've said it!  He was lousy before, and he's unbearable now.  If he did not take me for granted in the past, I would not have strayed.  Actually, I am more comfortable without P around.  The weekends with him are a chore.  They are loaded with stilted conversations, uncomfortable silences, and on occasion, snide remarks.  I can't stand to be around him anymore, and I'm glad when he is gone.  I just wish that he did not take Derek with him.

I could talk to my friends about this, but even though they act as if they understand, I can tell that they still feel uncomfortable.  They can't relate.  They are both in happy marriages, after all.  I can't expect them to feel what I feel.  They try, and they worry about me, which is why I tell them that "Everything's fine".  I don't want them to look at me with eyes of pity.  That's the last thing I need.  I feel lousy enough.

I guess that I'm just lonely, and I wanted to vent.  Frank's passing has put me in a funk and has made me go back on my promise of no more whining.  Plus, I have un-decorated the house and am going through cookie withdrawals (cookies turned into a crutch during the holidays).  I went a little overboard for a month, and need to give them up to get back on track.  I don't want to gain the weight back.  I tried to hard to lose it.

So, I'm back to eating right, exercising and all that crap.  Yippee.  Well, at least I have a goal.  New Year's resolution:  Lose that last ten pounds (fifteen now), find a hobby, pray more, and hardest of all--get over T.

Most of all--stop whining!

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE OUT OF THE LOOP

Frank Tempest died on Christmas Eve.  

I didn't find that out until yesterday.  I visited the nursing home after almost a month away.  I went to his room, as usual, but he was not there.  That was when the nurse told me that he was no longer with us.  Frank died of an apparent heart attack while asleep at the age of 90.  Rest in Peace, my friend.  I will miss you.

I must say that the news hit me between the eyes, although it was not unexpected.  Frank's health had been deteriorating for the past six months, and along with the onset of Alzheimer's (or whatever it was), it was only going to get worse.  It was tough seeing him losing his toughness, wit,  and memory.  He had become a shell of the man that I knew, and maybe it was better off that he died in his sleep.  It was a peaceful way for a man of his stature to leave this world.  

I wonder what I would have done if I had known about it in time.  Would I have gone to the wake or funeral?  Probably not.  It would have been selfish to insert myself into their life, causing further grief or hardship.  However much I would have wanted to see T, comfort him, and pay my respects to his grandfather, it would have been foolish to show my face there.  I'm glad that the decision was made for me.

As for my wish to send condolences, I debated whether I should send a card or call.  After much deliberation, I  decided that sending a card would be too formal.   I found Anita's Avon card (she sells it), took a deep breath, and called her.   I assure you that the conversation was not comfortable, but she was polite.  Eventually, I did ask how T was doing, and she said that he was "as well as could be expected".  With no other questions left that I was courageous enough to ask, I said goodbye.

I came short of asking where T was, because I didn't want to put her in that position.  Maybe she would not have told me, anyway.   I was tempted to request that she tell him that I missed him, but I didn't do that either.  It would have been stupid of me.  What good would it have done?  I think that he knows that I miss him.  Question is...does he miss me?

I guess that I will never know.