CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT--OR MADE ME MORE CURIOUS...SOMETHING LIKE THAT

Needless to say that after my pleasant conversation with Trudi, I have realized that T has not moved on, or dropped off the face of the Earth.  She acted like she sees him regularly, so he may even be back in Ackerland, for instance.   I wanted to find out.  I needed to find out, and I know that I will not get any information from Trudi or Anita because the last thing they want is me back in the picture.

So, I drove to the Ackerland airport yesterday.  It was a longshot, to say the least.  But, I was itching for some answers...probably lonely and starved for companionship...I must admit.  Without reservations, I just drove all the way up there without calling first, and didn't even know if anyone would be there, or if the place was even open. 

The airport was deserted, which must be usual for this time of year (what am I, an expert about airports now?), however, T's friend Jim was in the office.   I figured that he, of all people, must know where of his whereabouts, and would give me some concrete information.

What did I find out?  Absolutely nothing...of course!  I asked him outright if he knew where T was, and looked straight into his eyes, trying to attack him with my imaginary "truth ray"--didn't work.  He said that he had not heard from T in months, and that he might have gone to Florida to be with his kid.  I wasn't going to say it to his face, but I could tell that he was lying, and felt uncomfortable with his answer.  Unfortunately,  I couldn't water board the guy to get my information.   There was nothing else that I could do, but to give him my number to contact me if he found anything out.  I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for him to call.

I don't know what I expected.   It seems that all of T's friends and relatives are working against me. Maybe it's because T does not want me to know where he is--possibly "for my own good", or his own good.  I don't know if I should feel guilty, or relieved that he is as miserable as I am.  I have to tell you that the thought of Trudi "getting him back to normal" bothers me.  I know what she insinuated, and I'm jealous.

I want to scream out loud!  I don't even know why I am doing this! If I ever do find T, what will I do then?  I'm still in the same situation as before, with a son's happiness at stake.  I do not want to destroy it.   My conscience tells me to forget about him and move on, but as hard as I try,  I can't.  After all this time, I still love him.

I really don't know what I'm going to do next.  I know that many of are thinking, "there she goes again".  Well, you're right.  Just when I though that I had it all figured out, something happened, and I realized that I have no idea what I'm doing.

REGRETS...I HAVE A FEW...WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I BOUGHT THE CORVETTE, AND NOW I REGRET IT


I'm still trying to piece together what happened on Saturday morning.  Why did I let him in, knowing what I knew?  It was such an incredible risk.  


I don't know how it happened, although I do know why.  My desire made me hungry.  My need made me reckless, and overtook my better judgment.   At that critical moment, I didn't care who I was.  I didn't care who T was.  The passion overtook us.  I wanted T, and I did not think of the consequences until it was too late.  I had been dancing too close to the cliff, and I finally fell off.


Afterwards, when all the excitement was over,  we regretted it.  We knew that we were wrong, and I told him to leave, so that I could cry in peace.  In the aftermath, he is gone.  He said he would get away, and he did.  At first I was glad that he left, but now I am wondering where he went.  It is like he slipped off the face of the earth.


There is no way to close Pandora's Box, and no forgetting what happened, for either of us.  I know that I can't forget it.  I can't stop thinking about him, and what happened between us.  I wish that I could.  Every time I think about it, the guilt returns.  What have I done?


I am so confused right now--filled with anguish and remorse for what I have done--feeling like I've let down my family.  On the other hand, I also feel a certain amount of loss.  I know that I shouldn't miss T, but I do.  I am lost.