I'm still trying to piece together what happened on Saturday morning. Why did I let him in, knowing what I knew? It was such an incredible risk.
I don't know how it happened, although I do know why. My desire made me hungry. My need made me reckless, and overtook my better judgment. At that critical moment, I didn't care who I was. I didn't care who T was. The passion overtook us. I wanted T, and I did not think of the consequences until it was too late. I had been dancing too close to the cliff, and I finally fell off.
Afterwards, when all the excitement was over, we regretted it. We knew that we were wrong, and I told him to leave, so that I could cry in peace. In the aftermath, he is gone. He said he would get away, and he did. At first I was glad that he left, but now I am wondering where he went. It is like he slipped off the face of the earth.
There is no way to close Pandora's Box, and no forgetting what happened, for either of us. I know that I can't forget it. I can't stop thinking about him, and what happened between us. I wish that I could. Every time I think about it, the guilt returns. What have I done?
I am so confused right now--filled with anguish and remorse for what I have done--feeling like I've let down my family. On the other hand, I also feel a certain amount of loss. I know that I shouldn't miss T, but I do. I am lost.
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