Monday, August 17, 2015
IT DIDN'T WORK. FAILURE AGAIN!!!
I tried. I swear to God, I tried. Desperate times calls for desperate measures, so I tried.
I made his favorite food. I put our son to bed early. I tried to get his attention, but was rejected...again. I don't know how much more my ego can take.
A half-hour ago, after he went to bed, I was literally crying in the bathtub and praying for guidance. Now, I'm sitting bleary-eyed in front of the computer, and I'm still miserable. I wish that I had a husband that did not take me for granted--I really do. I desperately need support from him so that my mind does not start to wander. The problem is that I know exactly where to find the support I need, but it's not an option. I wish it were that easy.
I'm wishing so many things at this point. I'm close to the edge, and hoping that I will not fall.
Wishing that I would not fall? He is practically pushing me off the cliff! If he knew how close I was to jumping, would he even care? I can't stress how mad I am. He keeps rejecting me, and making me feel horrible about myself. I spent the past few days fretting about what happened with T, and how I need to avoid him to try to get my marriage back on track. But, I am not happy in this marriage and P doesn't seem to care that I have been neglected. He does not notice me at all. I'm just the lady who cleans the house, cooks the food and takes care of his child. Other than that, I'm invisible.
I'm done making the first move, or any move. I'm so sexually frustrated right now, I could gnaw open a can of tomatoes with my eye teeth. But, I won't let my mind wander and jump into the fantasy land where my lover is incredibly hot, he worships the ground I walk on and we can't keep our hands off each other (with no consequences, mind you).
Well, at least in my imagination, I can have a good time. That's all I've got right now.