BAH HUMBUG!
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| I know just how he feels |
Just joking...or am I? I'm never like this during the holidays. The tree is up, and the house is decorated, but I have no holiday cheer. I'm Mrs. Scrooge.
I'm just not in the mood for holiday parties this year. Maybe I'm just not up to the performance art of it. Holiday parties are normally ramped up show-off fests where people are shoved together who really can't stand one another. You are forced to make small talk with the wives of men who work with your husband. You have nothing in common, except for to ask "how has it been since I saw you at last year's holiday party?" Then you have to listen to the answer--endless drivel about sons and daughters, school events, and vacations...yada yada yada. I couldn't wait to get home. I would have rather stayed home with Derek, as a matter of fact, and I'm sure that Philip would have preferred it. But, the boss expected the men to bring their wives, so...since I am still a wife (on paper), we got a babysitter and I went.
Well, that was Friday night. Then Saturday afternoon, we went to Roberta's annual shindig, which is always a pleasure (a little sarcasm there). The highlight each year is finding out what new dress she bought for the occasion, and how much of her is falling out of it. Her wonderful friends are always there--loud, flirty and available to all men (whether married or not). I never really liked her parties, but at least she invites the neighbors. Chloe and Theresa were there with their families. Our new neighbors were there too, looking a little shell-shocked when they popped in to say hi. I put on a smile on my face and tried to have a good time, but my mind was somewhere else thinking about what I was missing.
Chloe caught me staring into space, asked me what was wrong. I think that I managed to change the subject well enough--said something like I was feeling under the weather, or some other crap like that. I wish that I could get all excited about the holidays, but no matter how many cookies I make, I'm still stuck in the same rut, unable to dig myself out. Maybe
Derek and I spent the day together. Just the two of us, after his soccer game this morning. We went to a Halloween event at the mall, and then Sprinkle City. We had a great time, although he did have a little stomach ache afterwards, probably from all the candy, popcorn, and ice cream. I think that I went a little overboard trying to be the fun Mom.
When I returned home with Derek, I felt a definite chill in the air coming from the direction of my husband. He was more distant than usual (and I thought that was impossible). Once Derek was in bed, I mentioned the fact that Derek was not feeling well and looked a little pale. I wondered out loud if I should stay the night, since I would be there all day tomorrow, anyway. Besides, I wanted to keep an eye on Derek. That did not go over well.
"I can handle it," he said, defiantly. Then he snidely told me to go home to my lover.
I froze for a second, wondering where that came from, or what I did to cause it. I decided that it would not be a good time to discuss our issues, because obviously, he was in an extremely foul mood. I just left.
I found T in the kitchen with a distant look on his face. When he saw me, he forced a cheerful smile on his face, but I could tell that something was on his mind. He is easier to read than P--wears his feelings, where P would hide them. But didn't want to pry, and wanted to vent about how P acted. Then he said that it was probably his fault. It was also then that I noticed a bruise on the left side of his face.
I asked him what he meant, and then he sighed as if he were about to tell me something that I didn't want to hear. He was right. While I was out with Derek, T had gone next door to talk to my husband, man to man. The discussion was about me, of course. T offered to sell his house and move away if that was what it took for P to take me back.
I wanted to yell at him. Why did he offer that? What made him think that I wanted him to offer to move away? I felt like a pawn in a negotiation. I'm sick of people deciding, behind my back, what is best for me. It's my life! Don't I get a say in this?
But, of course, T is right. P would never take me back if he was still here, living right next door with available arms for me to run to. Problem is, I don't want him to go. I guess that you can say that it is a problem that I have to deal with.
Curiously, I asked T what P said about the offer. After pausing, he told me that P said that he would never take me back after what I have done. I was surprised. Surely, P would fight to keep Derek's family together, or that T would not win out...but no. Then, the realization sunk in. There is a real possibility that I will not be able to keep this marriage together no matter how many hoops I try to jump through--Derek or no Derek. P has washed his hands of me. After only two weeks, he is already ready to move on. Maybe he has wanted to dump me for the longest time, but never had an excuse. Now, he does.
I always knew the rule. We had always said it. If one of us ever had an affair, the trust would be broken and the marriage would be over. I agreed with the rule, believed in it (never thought I would be the one to break it), but deep down, I always thought that if one of us strayed, the other would forgive. I think that I would have forgiven him...I guess...maybe not...I don't know. How does one forgive betrayal on that scale?
What happens now? Sitting Derek down in the living room and telling him that the family is breaking up? Calling the lawyers to file for divorce papers? Figuring out custody decisions? Will he file for full custody since I was the one who broke the vows, causing the end of the marriage? All these questions are swirling through my head. I don't know how I am going to handle all this. I'm sure that I am in for another sleepless night.
I tried. I swear to God, I tried. Desperate times calls for desperate measures, so I tried.
I made his favorite food. I put our son to bed early. I tried to get his attention, but was rejected...again. I don't know how much more my ego can take.
A half-hour ago, after he went to bed, I was literally crying in the bathtub and praying for guidance. Now, I'm sitting bleary-eyed in front of the computer, and I'm still miserable. I wish that I had a husband that did not take me for granted--I really do. I desperately need support from him so that my mind does not start to wander. The problem is that I know exactly where to find the support I need, but it's not an option. I wish it were that easy.
I'm wishing so many things at this point. I'm close to the edge, and hoping that I will not fall.
Wishing that I would not fall? He is practically pushing me off the cliff! If he knew how close I was to jumping, would he even care? I can't stress how mad I am. He keeps rejecting me, and making me feel horrible about myself. I spent the past few days fretting about what happened with T, and how I need to avoid him to try to get my marriage back on track. But, I am not happy in this marriage and P doesn't seem to care that I have been neglected. He does not notice me at all. I'm just the lady who cleans the house, cooks the food and takes care of his child. Other than that, I'm invisible.
I'm done making the first move, or any move. I'm so sexually frustrated right now, I could gnaw open a can of tomatoes with my eye teeth. But, I won't let my mind wander and jump into the fantasy land where my lover is incredibly hot, he worships the ground I walk on and we can't keep our hands off each other (with no consequences, mind you).
Well, at least in my imagination, I can have a good time. That's all I've got right now.
I just inhaled a whole frigging bag of kettle corn. So much for the diet. I really want to lose at least 20 lbs by Christmas. I was doing so well. Tomorrow's the weekend, and I'm making lasagna. Looks like I'm starting the diet on Monday (again).
Halloween is looming. Chloe, I and the kids always go through the neighborhood together. Most of the time, Philip walks with us, although he's been pretty busy at work as an accountant. I really don't like Halloween much, but then again it gives me an excuse to pick through Derek's bag looking for the Reese's. See? That's not helping my diet either. That reminds me, I have to go to the mall and pick up a pilot costume.
Philip was watching the Phillies last night (again). It's impossible to talk to him when he's watching baseball. I could have danced in front of the tv with nothing on, and he would not have seen me. Forget about anything else. Once again, I felt invisible.
It's no wonder that I'm shoveling down kettle corn like it's going out of style. I feel like a cloistered nun, for God's sake!
