When I returned home with Derek, I felt a definite chill in the air coming from the direction of my husband. He was more distant than usual (and I thought that was impossible). Once Derek was in bed, I mentioned the fact that Derek was not feeling well and looked a little pale. I wondered out loud if I should stay the night, since I would be there all day tomorrow, anyway. Besides, I wanted to keep an eye on Derek. That did not go over well.
"I can handle it," he said, defiantly. Then he snidely told me to go home to my lover.
I froze for a second, wondering where that came from, or what I did to cause it. I decided that it would not be a good time to discuss our issues, because obviously, he was in an extremely foul mood. I just left.
I found T in the kitchen with a distant look on his face. When he saw me, he forced a cheerful smile on his face, but I could tell that something was on his mind. He is easier to read than P--wears his feelings, where P would hide them. But didn't want to pry, and wanted to vent about how P acted. Then he said that it was probably his fault. It was also then that I noticed a bruise on the left side of his face.
I asked him what he meant, and then he sighed as if he were about to tell me something that I didn't want to hear. He was right. While I was out with Derek, T had gone next door to talk to my husband, man to man. The discussion was about me, of course. T offered to sell his house and move away if that was what it took for P to take me back.
I wanted to yell at him. Why did he offer that? What made him think that I wanted him to offer to move away? I felt like a pawn in a negotiation. I'm sick of people deciding, behind my back, what is best for me. It's my life! Don't I get a say in this?
But, of course, T is right. P would never take me back if he was still here, living right next door with available arms for me to run to. Problem is, I don't want him to go. I guess that you can say that it is a problem that I have to deal with.
Curiously, I asked T what P said about the offer. After pausing, he told me that P said that he would never take me back after what I have done. I was surprised. Surely, P would fight to keep Derek's family together, or that T would not win out...but no. Then, the realization sunk in. There is a real possibility that I will not be able to keep this marriage together no matter how many hoops I try to jump through--Derek or no Derek. P has washed his hands of me. After only two weeks, he is already ready to move on. Maybe he has wanted to dump me for the longest time, but never had an excuse. Now, he does.
I always knew the rule. We had always said it. If one of us ever had an affair, the trust would be broken and the marriage would be over. I agreed with the rule, believed in it (never thought I would be the one to break it), but deep down, I always thought that if one of us strayed, the other would forgive. I think that I would have forgiven him...I guess...maybe not...I don't know. How does one forgive betrayal on that scale?
What happens now? Sitting Derek down in the living room and telling him that the family is breaking up? Calling the lawyers to file for divorce papers? Figuring out custody decisions? Will he file for full custody since I was the one who broke the vows, causing the end of the marriage? All these questions are swirling through my head. I don't know how I am going to handle all this. I'm sure that I am in for another sleepless night.
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