Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I WANT EVERYTHING!


I bought out the grocery store today.  Lots of food on sale--pasta, soup, etc.  I like to make my own recipes, but also wanted to stock up on canned items, with lousy weather ahead.   The van was packed.  I don't know why I bought so much stuff because I originally went in there for just a few items.  By the time I left, the shelves were empty.  Well not really, but you get the point.



Why did I buy so much?  I can only guess, but it could have something to do with the fact that I visited the Old Age home to visit with my senior friends, including Frank.  I had not seen him in about a month, or maybe more...since the affair with T started.  I had not seen him since then.  When I was leaving, Frank told me to tell  my husband that his grandfather was looking for him.  Still a bit confused, I guess.  He still thinks that I'm T's wife.  After that, I could not stop thinking about T.

Fast forward to when I pulled into the driveway.  Regretfully,  I realized that I would have to lug all those bags into the house by myself.  Suddenly, I was kicking myself for buying out the store.  I took a deep breath and started to unload the van, taking a couple of bags for one of what could have been thousands of trips back and forth from the driveway to the house.  I wasn't looking forward the task, I'll tell you that much.

After the first trip, I came outside and saw T standing there with bags in hand to help me.  I don't know where he came from, as I didn't remember seeing his truck in the driveway, but there he was in the flesh.   He looked incredible.  I pitifully tried to tell him that I didn't need any help, but he knew, as well as I did, that I was lying.  Besides that,  stubborn man that he is, he would not take no for an answer.  I was so starved to be close to him that I easily gave in.

I had not seen him since Philip's Sunday's morning call.  I had texted him a few times to let him know what was going on, but that was it.  I didn't hear his voice, and didn't see his gorgeous face until today.  I found myself staring at him while he was there, and vice-versa.  He looked right through me.  It was so uncomfortable that he had to leave before any real conversation had begun.  We were better off.

Now, I'm back to square one.  The desire is back (as if it had ever left).  Now, I can't stop thinking about him.  I want him,  but I want my family together.  I want everything--all of it.  In a perfect world, I could have it all, but I can't have everything, because it's not a perfect world--not for me, anyway.  I now know that if I want my marriage with Philip to be repaired, there is no way that I can live next door to T .  He was right.  It would be too difficult.  I could not see him every day, or even once in a while.  The temptation would be far too great.

So, it's once again time to dive into a box of cookies, and cry my eyes out.  Lord knows, I haven't cried enough.  I really am pathetic.

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