Monday, October 19, 2015


I just realized today that I am cleaning two houses.  Living in two houses has doubled my workload. I clean the first one because that is my job, keeping a clean and tidy house for my son.  I clean the second house because I can't stand to look at it if I don't do something.  Mark is a slob, plain and simple--he has actually improved since I met him--not enough, if you ask me.  I guess that I have been in love with a slob--go figure.  At first, I did not clean up after him, but after a week of it, I couldn't stand it. He has never asked me to do anything, but if I don't do it, I assume that no one will, except for the maid who comes once a week.  But the rest of the week,  I can't help myself.  I cannot live in a mess.  I am used to an orderly life, everything in its place.  

I guess I've been spoiled by P for the last ten years.  P actually cleans something immediately after he uses it--never leaves items laying around.  He would actually finish drinking a can of soda while standing over the recycling bin.  Perfectly groomed, showers daily, never has a hair out of place.   I've never really had to clean up after him.  Even now, when I walk into the bathroom after he has left for work, there is no mess left behind for his wayward wife.  He is a perfectionist, and probably always will be.  At times, it was a rather daunting task keeping him happy, but at least everything was in order.

T on the other hand, is a work in progress--a virtual forty-year-old frat boy, who leaves clothes, pizza boxes and beer bottles laying around. His clothes stay where they've been dropped, and probably would stay there forever if no-one picked them up.  On days off from work, he does not shave--maybe doesn't even shower either--I'm afraid to ask.  Funny, he always seemed to shave on Wednesdays before.  But now that I am in the same house as him, I see that he is a total bachelor in every glorified sense of the word.  You can tell that he has not lived with a woman for years. What sane woman (I never said that I was sane) would live here?  

Such is my life, lately.  Between two worlds, and two vastly different men--stuck in the middle.   

You would think that I was more compatible with Philip.  In a way, he is more like I used to be--straight and narrow,  conservative and controlled, quiet and reserved.  P is extremely intelligent and disciplined, although the fact that he cannot quit smoking is quite perplexing.  Nevertheless, it is his only vice.  He drinks only on occasion, and doesn't gamble, etc.  He does not have many close friends, although he is always involved in the community.  He is a total family man--a devoted father.  His life revolves entirely around Derek.  In fact, once Derek was born, I ceased to exist in his eyes, other than a way to have more children.  But it was the same for me.  Derek is our greatest achievement, and is most important in our lives.  Derek loves him to death.   I knew that P would be a good father by the way he used to rave about it.   He always talked about the importance of family, wanted three or four children, and I overlooked many of his other traits, because I wanted the same thing. It is probably the reason that I married him.  I was twenty-five and wanted a home and family of my own.  He was my ticket to that life.

Mark is completely different from Philip and me, and surprisingly, I connect better with him.  He is outgoing, dynamic and reckless.  He is a responsible man, but you would never guess it by the way that he acts. He drinks, but I've never seen him drunk.  He does not smoke, but will have a cigar with his buddies at a party.  He is popular, fit and has a magnetic personality--easy with conversation, and an available ear when needed.   Everybody seems to like him, and he has many close friends--men and women.   He has a tough exterior, but inside is a loving, reassuring and supportive man who is irresistible.  Because of that fact,  I believe that he could be a good father if given a chance. He deserves a second chance.   Maybe it will happen for him, and I wish that I could be a part of that, but obviously I can't do it for so many reasons. Family reasons aside, I have proven that I just can't deliver the goods.  Maybe he will find someone who will.

Ugh!  I've got to stop thinking about what could have been, and focus on what I need to do to get my life back to normal.  My current living arrangement is not the best (or smartest), since I am still in love with T.  But, there is nowhere else to go.  I don't want anyone else to know what is going on with my marriage--don't want to get the rumor mills going.  Living here is convenient, and necessary, --for now.  

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