Sunday, October 18, 2015



Oh, it could have been.  A couple of weeks ago, it would have been a dream getaway (although it would have been impossible to do it).  But, we are not lovers anymore--unfortunately.

T somehow talked me into getting on a plane.  You know, the same one that he took Derek up in, where he is the pilot.   I froze when I saw it, and practically laughed in his face. But, I went.  He could talk me into anything--unfortunately.

We flew about thirty minutes, landed, and from there took a shuttle to our destination--a spa for rest and relaxation.  If ever there was a time for spa treatment, this was the time, even if it was only for an overnight stay.  He knew exactly what I needed.  He has a knack for that.

We checked into a room with two double beds, and then immediately started to make appointments to get out of the room.  I called to make a reservation for a massage, manicure, pedicure...the works.  Then I talked him into joining me.  Seeing him with green gook on his face made me laugh.  I needed to laugh so badly after the week that I have had.

Afterwards, we dressed for dinner, and while in the elevator, a woman came in  holding a fussing baby.  Everything had gone so well up until that point.  Suddenly the smile on my face went away, as I thought about my lost child, and the child that I was afraid to lose.  I became quiet, melancholic and wanted to drown my sorrows.

I ordered a bottle of red wine, which is usually a red flag for me.  Knowing that the night would probably take a treacherous turn, T changed his beer order and asked for a glass to  join me.  I guess that he didn't want me to chug the bottle by myself.  After a few drinks, I was starting to feel no pain.  I looked across the table at the man that I love.  I wanted what I had a week ago--a lover, and a family intact...the double life.  I started to flirt, he became uncomfortable, but I didn't care.  I no longer wanted to choose.  I wanted everything.

I finally stopped teasing him, probably because he kept begging me to stop.  Eventually, dinner was over, but in my mind the night had just begun.  We walked into the room, and once we were inside, I kissed him.   He was overwhelmed, and did not know how to handle it in our new reality.  I had other ideas.  I confessed that I wanted to go away with him, and leave everything behind--start over somewhere else where I didn't have to worry about what people thought of me.  Think of myself for once.  

He backed away, telling me that I was not thinking straight.  He reminded me of what I would be leaving behind.  I was such in a dream state that I had forgotten about my son.  I snapped back to reality.  I had lost my mind for a second--thinking only of myself, and not the big picture.  This is why I cannot drink--my heart takes over when my head should lead the way.

Then, I noticed that he was leaving.  When I asked him where he was going, he apologized, but said that he found it too difficult to stay there with me.  He just  wanted to go to the casino down the road to get some space.  He said that he would return in a few hours, after I was asleep.  I understood his reasons.  He was doing us both a favor, and although I wanted him to stay, I knew that he had to go.   

This morning, I awoke to find him sleeping in a chair in the corner. His was still fully dressed, his neck was in a crooked position, and he looked extremely uncomfortable.  I wondered what time he came in, and walked over to wake him up, in an effort to talk him into crawling into the other bed--at least.  He woke up, looked at my slightly hungover and sleepy face with those eyes that I love, and told me that I looked adorable.  That's why I love him--probably always will.  But I still have to give him up, and the thought of that is torturous.

Now, I am home after a wonderful getaway.  I needed it so badly to store up my energy for the fight ahead of me.  I am keeping myself busy, cooking for the week and cleaning.  I'm trying to keep myself occupied so that I don't think about the fact that T is right next door, and I would rather be with him.

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