Wednesday, October 14, 2015


I guess that the title tells you what happened.  My life has been turned upside down.  

As planned,  I spent the day with T yesterday.  We were in the kitchen after eating lunch, and I was still dressed in the red nightgown that he bought for me.  I was a little behind in my schedule, lazy and content.  We were laughing about something.  T had just finished telling me to get moving, because it was around two o'clock, and Derek usually comes home around three.  I smiled, flirted and kissed him instead.  I did not want to go.

Suddenly there was a knock on the sliding glass door.  When I turned, I saw P's shocked face staring back at me.  Apparently, he came home early from work.  I don't know how he ended up finding me there, maybe he suspected something--I don't know.  He did not charge in the door, or yell.  He just turned and left.  I think that the former would have been better.

I scrambled into the bedroom to find my clothing.  As I fumbled around to get dressed, T offered to go with me.  I said no.  I had to face the music alone.  I didn't even think about what was happening.  I just wanted to talk to P to stop him from doing anything.  I don't know what I thought I was going to do.  By the time I walked into my house, I could not find P right away, and was shaking.  I called out his name, but there was no reply.  Finally, I found him head in hands sitting on the master bed.

P asked me how long it was going on, and I told him.  He asked me why I did it, and I couldn't answer.  There were plenty of reasons why I turned to T, but at the time I could not think of one of them.  I didn't defend myself while P called me every name in the book--feeling too guilty and worthless to put up a good fight.

Then he told me to pack up and leave.  I was speechless.  Suddenly, I was begging to stay.  All I could think about was Derek.  What would happened when he got off the bus at three?  Who was going to feed him, help him with his homework and put him to bed?  Who was going to wake him and the morning, feed him breakfast, give him a hug and send him to school?  Who was going to take care the house?  I reasoned with P, and pointed out these facts, knowing that he left early in the morning for work, and could not do it himself.  Time was running out, because Derek was coming home soon.

P walked out of the room, leaving me there in a praying position in the kitchen.  I sat there and lingered, waiting for his decision.  Then, as Derek's bus pulled in front of the house, P calmly said that I could stay, but once Derek was in bed for the night, he wanted me to leave.  He did not care where I went--he just didn't want to see my face.  In the morning, I was to return to wake Derek and take care of him.  P planned to leave once I arrived.  I was not able to argue it, because Derek was walking in the door at that point, and happy that his father was home early from work.  P told Derek that he came home from work early to take him to a special event, just the two of them.  Once they left the house, I was not sure if they would be back.

Thankfully, they did come back, after I cried and prayed a few hours that they would.  Derek was wide-eyed and ecstatic about his day with Dad, and voluntarily did his homework with no trouble.  I had dinner ready, but P told me that they had eaten out.  I watched my happy son, sitting there with not a care in the world, I felt like a complete monster.  How could I do this to him?

After homework was done, and Derek was washed and ready for bed, I sat with him in his room, and read him a book.  I can't remember the last time that I did that.  I was probably trying to stretch out the time, I guess.  I knew that P would not change his mind, and that I would have to leave, and I was right.  At that point, there was really only one place I could go.  I turned to T.

T reached out to console me when I walked in the door, but I turned away from him.   I couldn't do it.  He did not know what to do.  This was new ground.  I really didn't tell him much of anything last night, except for the fact that I needed a place to stay, and why.  I didn't tell him all the vitriolic things that P said, because he would have said that P was wrong to treat me that way.  I did not want him to defend me.

Although I slept at T's house last night, the affair is over.  I'm staying in the guest room.  We both know what would happen if we were caught.  I have told him from the beginning that if it came down to a choice between him and Derek, I would pick Derek.  I will pick Derek's happiness over my own--even if it means leaving behind someone I truly love to try to fix a marriage that no longer makes me happy.   As far as I am concerned, it's a fair trade. 

The living arrangement with T will be awkward, since yesterday morning he was my lover and now he is not.  It's weird for both of us, but I have nowhere else to go, and have another choice.  Besides, while I am next door, I can be there for Derek at a moment's notice,  pretending that I never left.  T told me that I could stay as long as I wanted, or forever.  But that's just a dream, isn't it? It's a dream that I must forget.

So, here I am, in the house where we raised Derek, trying to keep it together. I'm cleaning the house, cooking like crazy, and trying to ignore any distractions.  I've been feeling very ill lately, and I don't know what the problem is, but I have to keep going.  I have to fix Derek's family before he finds out that it's broken.

No comments:

Post a Comment