Thursday, October 1, 2015


Call me self-conscious.  Go ahead, I deserve it.  Tell me that I'm losing my mind.  You might be right.  I used to be a perfectly sane woman.  However, I am losing control of myself more and more each day.  What is wrong with me?

This is the inside of my brain

I haven't been posting about the doubts that I have about my relationship with T.  I trust him--I do, but there's this devil on my shoulder telling me that I will never be enough for him--how could I?  How could a boring 36 year old mom who dyes her hair and has cellulite be enough for a man like T?  No matter how many times that he's told me that he loves me, I still have doubts about him because of his past with other women.  Does he see someone on the side?  Is it unfair of me to think that he might?

This morning, I was walking in the house after Derek's soccer game, since Philip had to work today.  I turned towards T's house, and saw something that I have been dreading since this whole affair with T started.  I saw another woman there.  They were right outside, for everyone to see, including me.  The suspicion rolled in.  I knew that I wasn't enough.  I knew it!

I caught his eye, gave him a look of distress, turned, then quickly walked inside before he could say anything.  I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me break down.  Once I was inside, I excused myself and ran into the bathroom.  Let out the tears that seemed to flow uncontrollably.  I never expected him to be a one woman man, even though he told me that he was not seeing anyone else.  This was obvious proof that he had lied to me, and I questioned everything that he had said.  How could he do this to me after all that I have risked?

I heard the doorbell ring, tried to dry my eyes as best as I could.  Tried to paste on a smile for whoever it was at the door.  When I opened the door, I saw T's face right in front of me.  He had the woman with him, and wanted to introduce her.  I thought that he had some frigging nerve, gave him a dirty look and wanted to close the door in his stupid face.

The woman was his sister, Diana.  Oops!  He knew what I was thinking, and practically dragged her over to my house to let me know who she was.  The two of them visited Frank together today--something that I suggested that he do.  You should have seen the hurt look on his face.  Now he knows that I don't trust him, even thought he has given me no reason to doubt him.  How do you apologize with your eyes?  I tried.

Maybe I should have known better.  Two weeks ago, he stood me in front of a mirror when I was questioning why he was with me (I've done this before--it has become a habit).  I was comparing myself to the women in his past (including the nearly flawless Trudi).  He said to look at the reflection and see the only woman that he has ever loved.  That was the day that I confessed that I loved him too.  

Why can't I believe that I am enough?  Why do these doubts keep creeping in like an infestation?  Why can't I be happy with the way things are when we are together?  I guess that it is because when I'm with him, I feel that it is like a wonderful dream that I will eventually wake up from, returning to my former life--neglected, unhappy, and bored.

Then there's also the nightmare that we will be exposed, and then the dream will end for good.  It is inevitable.  This affair cannot go on forever without some kind of exposure, and the thought of that is torturous.  My head tells me to cut my losses before we are found out, and end it on my terms--with no one hurt except for me and T.  But I selfishly don't want to end it.  My heart wants to hang on as long as possible, because I am in love.

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