CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT--OR MADE ME MORE CURIOUS...SOMETHING LIKE THAT

Needless to say that after my pleasant conversation with Trudi, I have realized that T has not moved on, or dropped off the face of the Earth.  She acted like she sees him regularly, so he may even be back in Ackerland, for instance.   I wanted to find out.  I needed to find out, and I know that I will not get any information from Trudi or Anita because the last thing they want is me back in the picture.

So, I drove to the Ackerland airport yesterday.  It was a longshot, to say the least.  But, I was itching for some answers...probably lonely and starved for companionship...I must admit.  Without reservations, I just drove all the way up there without calling first, and didn't even know if anyone would be there, or if the place was even open. 

The airport was deserted, which must be usual for this time of year (what am I, an expert about airports now?), however, T's friend Jim was in the office.   I figured that he, of all people, must know where of his whereabouts, and would give me some concrete information.

What did I find out?  Absolutely nothing...of course!  I asked him outright if he knew where T was, and looked straight into his eyes, trying to attack him with my imaginary "truth ray"--didn't work.  He said that he had not heard from T in months, and that he might have gone to Florida to be with his kid.  I wasn't going to say it to his face, but I could tell that he was lying, and felt uncomfortable with his answer.  Unfortunately,  I couldn't water board the guy to get my information.   There was nothing else that I could do, but to give him my number to contact me if he found anything out.  I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for him to call.

I don't know what I expected.   It seems that all of T's friends and relatives are working against me. Maybe it's because T does not want me to know where he is--possibly "for my own good", or his own good.  I don't know if I should feel guilty, or relieved that he is as miserable as I am.  I have to tell you that the thought of Trudi "getting him back to normal" bothers me.  I know what she insinuated, and I'm jealous.

I want to scream out loud!  I don't even know why I am doing this! If I ever do find T, what will I do then?  I'm still in the same situation as before, with a son's happiness at stake.  I do not want to destroy it.   My conscience tells me to forget about him and move on, but as hard as I try,  I can't.  After all this time, I still love him.

I really don't know what I'm going to do next.  I know that many of are thinking, "there she goes again".  Well, you're right.  Just when I though that I had it all figured out, something happened, and I realized that I have no idea what I'm doing.

FYI...CONFRONTATIONS ARE NOT FUN

Today started out great.  Now, you know that whenever I start a post with that sentence, it means that something went wrong.  You would be correct.

Where do I start?  Well, since it was a rainy day, I decided to go to the mall and spend some of the money that I have earned since my first catering job on Super Bowl Sunday.  I know that Philip said that the money "is not much and not worth the effort...blah, blah blah", but I have earned enough of it to buy something small, at least.  So, I did just that.

Lately, going to the mall has been tricky for me.  There are a lot of memories floating around in "Burnett's Gym", and "Spiders Bar and Restaurant", as well as the dreaded lingerie store, "Sensual Things".  I felt a little heavy-hearted when I passed "Sensual Things", since the only reason I ever stepped foot into that place was because of T, and I haven't been in there since (what's the point).  But, I had to pass that store to get to my destination--another clothing store, where I found a great outfit that was on sale.  Had to go down another size, by the way.  Just saying...

So I was feeling pretty good as I walked back from the clothing store, and I was about to pass the aforementioned lingerie store door when I ran into T's "good friend", Trudi (if you don't recognize who this is, click the link).

If you said "Uh oh", then you had the right instinct.  

When she started out the conversation by saying "Oh look who it is...the perfect wife," I realized that it was not going to be a pleasant chat.  I was right.  It went downhill from there.  I guess that she has been waiting for an opportunity to blast me, and it all came out at once.  

Trudi asked if I had even thought once about T's feelings at all before I made the decision to "dump him".  She told me that I ruined her best friend, and "he is not fun anymore" because of my selfishness, but not to worry because she would "make sure" that he got back to normal in spite of me.  Nice little dig, there.

I was shocked and embarrassed, to say the least, to be dressed down in public by Trudi.  I felt as if I were being scolded like a mischievous child.  She did not yell, or make a scene, but there was a certain venom in her voice that informed me that I was deeply despised by this woman.    She really does care a great deal for T, and she blamed me for everything under the sun.  

I wanted to tell her that she had no idea how difficult my decision was, but I don't think that it would have mattered.  She had her mind made up, so there was no reason to  explain myself.   Finally, I no longer wanted to stand there to let her attack me any further, even if she might have been right.  I just walked away, making a quick escape, and she did not follow.  Rather, she yelled, "I hope you're happy".  I almost wanted to laugh when she said that.  I'm surviving, but happy is the last thing that I am.

When I made it back to the van, I allowed myself to sit for a moment and cry.  I realized that when I made the decision to give up T, I thought of everyone but myself--my husband, my extended family, my neighbors, and mostly Derek.  How would they be affected by my decision?  As for my own happiness, it had to go on the back burner.  I thought that I made a noble sacrifice for the tranquility of my son.  I still believe that I made the right decision at that time, and I've had to live with the consequences.  Regrets?  Many.  So many.  

I didn't think about how it would affect anyone else.  I should have.

ANOTHER WOMAN WAS AT T'S HOUSE, AND I FREAKED

Call me self-conscious.  Go ahead, I deserve it.  Tell me that I'm losing my mind.  You might be right.  I used to be a perfectly sane woman.  However, I am losing control of myself more and more each day.  What is wrong with me?

This is the inside of my brain

I haven't been posting about the doubts that I have about my relationship with T.  I trust him--I do, but there's this devil on my shoulder telling me that I will never be enough for him--how could I?  How could a boring 36 year old mom who dyes her hair and has cellulite be enough for a man like T?  No matter how many times that he's told me that he loves me, I still have doubts about him because of his past with other women.  Does he see someone on the side?  Is it unfair of me to think that he might?

This morning, I was walking in the house after Derek's soccer game, since Philip had to work today.  I turned towards T's house, and saw something that I have been dreading since this whole affair with T started.  I saw another woman there.  They were right outside, for everyone to see, including me.  The suspicion rolled in.  I knew that I wasn't enough.  I knew it!

I caught his eye, gave him a look of distress, turned, then quickly walked inside before he could say anything.  I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me break down.  Once I was inside, I excused myself and ran into the bathroom.  Let out the tears that seemed to flow uncontrollably.  I never expected him to be a one woman man, even though he told me that he was not seeing anyone else.  This was obvious proof that he had lied to me, and I questioned everything that he had said.  How could he do this to me after all that I have risked?

I heard the doorbell ring, tried to dry my eyes as best as I could.  Tried to paste on a smile for whoever it was at the door.  When I opened the door, I saw T's face right in front of me.  He had the woman with him, and wanted to introduce her.  I thought that he had some frigging nerve, gave him a dirty look and wanted to close the door in his stupid face.

The woman was his sister, Diana.  Oops!  He knew what I was thinking, and practically dragged her over to my house to let me know who she was.  The two of them visited Frank together today--something that I suggested that he do.  You should have seen the hurt look on his face.  Now he knows that I don't trust him, even thought he has given me no reason to doubt him.  How do you apologize with your eyes?  I tried.

Maybe I should have known better.  Two weeks ago, he stood me in front of a mirror when I was questioning why he was with me (I've done this before--it has become a habit).  I was comparing myself to the women in his past (including the nearly flawless Trudi).  He said to look at the reflection and see the only woman that he has ever loved.  That was the day that I confessed that I loved him too.  

Why can't I believe that I am enough?  Why do these doubts keep creeping in like an infestation?  Why can't I be happy with the way things are when we are together?  I guess that it is because when I'm with him, I feel that it is like a wonderful dream that I will eventually wake up from, returning to my former life--neglected, unhappy, and bored.

Then there's also the nightmare that we will be exposed, and then the dream will end for good.  It is inevitable.  This affair cannot go on forever without some kind of exposure, and the thought of that is torturous.  My head tells me to cut my losses before we are found out, and end it on my terms--with no one hurt except for me and T.  But I selfishly don't want to end it.  My heart wants to hang on as long as possible, because I am in love.