Where do I start? Well, since it was a rainy day, I decided to go to the mall and spend some of the money that I have earned since my first catering job on Super Bowl Sunday. I know that Philip said that the money "is not much and not worth the effort...blah, blah blah", but I have earned enough of it to buy something small, at least. So, I did just that.
Lately, going to the mall has been tricky for me. There are a lot of memories floating around in "Burnett's Gym", and "Spiders Bar and Restaurant", as well as the dreaded lingerie store, "Sensual Things". I felt a little heavy-hearted when I passed "Sensual Things", since the only reason I ever stepped foot into that place was because of T, and I haven't been in there since (what's the point). But, I had to pass that store to get to my destination--another clothing store, where I found a great outfit that was on sale. Had to go down another size, by the way. Just saying...
So I was feeling pretty good as I walked back from the clothing store, and I was about to pass the aforementioned lingerie store door when I ran into T's "good friend", Trudi (if you don't recognize who this is, click the link).
If you said "Uh oh", then you had the right instinct.
When she started out the conversation by saying "Oh look who it is...the perfect wife," I realized that it was not going to be a pleasant chat. I was right. It went downhill from there. I guess that she has been waiting for an opportunity to blast me, and it all came out at once.
Trudi asked if I had even thought once about T's feelings at all before I made the decision to "dump him". She told me that I ruined her best friend, and "he is not fun anymore" because of my selfishness, but not to worry because she would "make sure" that he got back to normal in spite of me. Nice little dig, there.
I was shocked and embarrassed, to say the least, to be dressed down in public by Trudi. I felt as if I were being scolded like a mischievous child. She did not yell, or make a scene, but there was a certain venom in her voice that informed me that I was deeply despised by this woman. She really does care a great deal for T, and she blamed me for everything under the sun.
I wanted to tell her that she had no idea how difficult my decision was, but I don't think that it would have mattered. She had her mind made up, so there was no reason to explain myself. Finally, I no longer wanted to stand there to let her attack me any further, even if she might have been right. I just walked away, making a quick escape, and she did not follow. Rather, she yelled, "I hope you're happy". I almost wanted to laugh when she said that. I'm surviving, but happy is the last thing that I am.
When I made it back to the van, I allowed myself to sit for a moment and cry. I realized that when I made the decision to give up T, I thought of everyone but myself--my husband, my extended family, my neighbors, and mostly Derek. How would they be affected by my decision? As for my own happiness, it had to go on the back burner. I thought that I made a noble sacrifice for the tranquility of my son. I still believe that I made the right decision at that time, and I've had to live with the consequences. Regrets? Many. So many.
I didn't think about how it would affect anyone else. I should have.
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