I had one night left with T...one night with the man that I love. I wanted to make the best of our last night together. Seemed like a very tall order, and I was extremely apprehensive. I did not know how he would react, since right before the doorbell rang I was in his arms. Now I was about to tell him that I could never see him again. I wouldn't have blamed him if he threw me out of the house.
He did not reject me. He knew what I was going to say, but asked that I not say it--not yet, anyway, since it was our last night together. We did not waste our last Wednesday.
In the morning, he told me that he would be gone by the end of the day. Once he left, he would not be coming back. He had packed enough for a week, and then his things would be picked up later--furniture, etc. Some boxes in the basement had yet to be emptied since he moved next door. Guess he doesn't have to empty them now. He hired someone to do the rest of the move for him. Everything was arranged, just waiting for the final word.
He asked me about the terms of the arrangement, and I could have lied and told him that P wanted to reconcile completely, but I didn't want our last words to be lies. I told him the truth. The truth didn't make him happy, as he did not like what the future held for me. Then he surprised me. For the first and only time, he asked me to reconsider my decision to go back to P--told me that I should stay with him. People get divorced all the time, and we could work it out--be together.
I told him that I couldn't do that, and it broke my heart. He didn't ask again.
Yesterday, at six on the morning, I said goodbye to T and walked out the door. Like promised, I haven't seen him since. His cell phone number has been changed to an unlisted number. Yes, I've tried to call him. I wanted to call him five minutes after I left his house, but I waited until later in the day. You would have tried to call him too. How he disappear so quickly?
I am not ready to say goodbye. I'll never be ready. I am distraught, because I can't believe that I will never see him again. I keep staring at that empty house. Yes, his things are still there, but he is gone. As far as I am concerned, the house is empty.
I have to believe that I have made the right decision. I can only hope that eventually P will let me be more than a roommate, and that we can sit in a room together without hate emanating from his direction. It is just a fantasy at this point, because I know that he is only doing this because of our son. At least I can be grateful for that.
Derek and I spent the day together. Just the two of us, after his soccer game this morning. We went to a Halloween event at the mall, and then Sprinkle City. We had a great time, although he did have a little stomach ache afterwards, probably from all the candy, popcorn, and ice cream. I think that I went a little overboard trying to be the fun Mom.
When I returned home with Derek, I felt a definite chill in the air coming from the direction of my husband. He was more distant than usual (and I thought that was impossible). Once Derek was in bed, I mentioned the fact that Derek was not feeling well and looked a little pale. I wondered out loud if I should stay the night, since I would be there all day tomorrow, anyway. Besides, I wanted to keep an eye on Derek. That did not go over well.
"I can handle it," he said, defiantly. Then he snidely told me to go home to my lover.
I froze for a second, wondering where that came from, or what I did to cause it. I decided that it would not be a good time to discuss our issues, because obviously, he was in an extremely foul mood. I just left.
I found T in the kitchen with a distant look on his face. When he saw me, he forced a cheerful smile on his face, but I could tell that something was on his mind. He is easier to read than P--wears his feelings, where P would hide them. But didn't want to pry, and wanted to vent about how P acted. Then he said that it was probably his fault. It was also then that I noticed a bruise on the left side of his face.
I asked him what he meant, and then he sighed as if he were about to tell me something that I didn't want to hear. He was right. While I was out with Derek, T had gone next door to talk to my husband, man to man. The discussion was about me, of course. T offered to sell his house and move away if that was what it took for P to take me back.
I wanted to yell at him. Why did he offer that? What made him think that I wanted him to offer to move away? I felt like a pawn in a negotiation. I'm sick of people deciding, behind my back, what is best for me. It's my life! Don't I get a say in this?
But, of course, T is right. P would never take me back if he was still here, living right next door with available arms for me to run to. Problem is, I don't want him to go. I guess that you can say that it is a problem that I have to deal with.
Curiously, I asked T what P said about the offer. After pausing, he told me that P said that he would never take me back after what I have done. I was surprised. Surely, P would fight to keep Derek's family together, or that T would not win out...but no. Then, the realization sunk in. There is a real possibility that I will not be able to keep this marriage together no matter how many hoops I try to jump through--Derek or no Derek. P has washed his hands of me. After only two weeks, he is already ready to move on. Maybe he has wanted to dump me for the longest time, but never had an excuse. Now, he does.
I always knew the rule. We had always said it. If one of us ever had an affair, the trust would be broken and the marriage would be over. I agreed with the rule, believed in it (never thought I would be the one to break it), but deep down, I always thought that if one of us strayed, the other would forgive. I think that I would have forgiven him...I guess...maybe not...I don't know. How does one forgive betrayal on that scale?
What happens now? Sitting Derek down in the living room and telling him that the family is breaking up? Calling the lawyers to file for divorce papers? Figuring out custody decisions? Will he file for full custody since I was the one who broke the vows, causing the end of the marriage? All these questions are swirling through my head. I don't know how I am going to handle all this. I'm sure that I am in for another sleepless night.
I cried an ocean last night, and it is just the beginning.
I found out what was wrong with me. I saw the signs, but ignored them. I should have paid attention, but maybe something was wrong from the beginning. I was pregnant, and now I'm not. The defective womb has struck again, and as always, it was devastating.
It happened yesterday. I spent the day hard at work--cleaning, and doing as much penance as I could. I didn't feel right, had progressive abdominal pain. I had been late--very late, and thought that this was the long overdue monthly visit that I have been waiting for. I have always been late, ever since I was a teenager, but this time was different. But, I took a test, right? Well, the test was wrong. By the time I reached T's house after grinning and bearing the pain the entire time I was with Derek, I collapsed. T picked me up and brought me to the hospital.
Seven weeks along. Yeah, that was a week before Labor Day--that first thrilling, unplanned moment with T. The child from that unbridled moment of passion is gone. Perhaps stress was the cause, but more likely it is what it always was--my inadequacy as a woman. I can't even blame it on P this time. The fault is all mine.
Some might say that this was a blessing in disguise, but I do not see it that way. I would have endured all the ridicule and exposure from the affair to everyone in the world, if I could just have our baby back. I would have wanted this precious child, no matter what. I am truly heartbroken.
I didn't tell P about it--just crawled over there with a forced smile on my face as P was walking out for work at six this morning. Once I took care of Derek, and he left for school, the house was empty. I had no energy from a terrible night's sleep. I felt like I was about to collapse, until I fell into the master bed and rested in order to store up strength for the rest of the day. Once Derek walked in the door from an exciting day of school, I was the Mommy that he expected. I played the perfect part.
When P came home, I made an attempt to address our situation, but he cut me off immediately. He ate dinner in the guestroom/office, after telling Derek that he had a lot of "homework" to do. Once Derek was in bed, I tried again, but he told me to get lost. But, I will not give up. I will attempt this over and aver again. If I have to grovel, I will. I will do marriage counseling...anything.
Unfortunately, when I returned to T's house I took my frustration out on him. As he sat there trying to eat a late dinner, I blamed him for everything under the sun--the affair, the crumbling of my marriage, and most of all, the miscarriage. I said that he must have been relieved that this happened because it got him off the hook. It wasn't true, and I knew it, but it didn't stop me from saying it. I insulted him in so many hurtful ways--can't believe the words that came out of my mouth. He sat there and took it, and when I was done, instead of defending himself or fighting back, he walked out.
Instantly, I regretted my cancerous words, but he was already gone. He did not answer his cell phone when I called. I left him message after message, and I am distraught and worried about him. What have I done? I chased away my best friend, and there is no shoulder left to cry on. I am alone with my thoughts of despair.
So, here I sit, waiting for T to return from wherever he went. He can't stay out forever--I hope. Maybe he'll just return tomorrow while I am gone--I don't know. Or maybe he will hear my messages asking for forgiveness and come home. Nevertheless, I plan on waiting in a place where he cannot avoid me.
