Monday, September 28, 2015


I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.  It has been such a long and harrowing day.

It started out nice enough--a beautiful Autumn day.  It was so gorgeous, in fact that Chloe and I decided to take the boys to the apple orchard after school.   It was more crowded than I expected.  I was talking to Chloe, turned around and Derek was not there.  I calmly looked around for him, because he has a tendency to wander off a bit, but after ten minutes, I became very worried.  I still did not find him, and there was this frightening feeling in the pit of my stomach that I never would.  My palms started to sweat, I felt nauseous, and I scrambled around yelling his name.  I reached a whole new wide-eyed level of anxiety.  My boy was missing!

I must have looked like I escaped from an insane asylum, racing around...screaming and crying like a lunatic.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  The mothers that were with me helped me look, and Chloe tried to calm me down, but it was not possible.  I could not think straight.  I was in full blown panic mode.

I called T at work.  I know that some of you may wonder why I didn't call P first, but how could I possibly call P and explain that I had lost his son?  How could I explain it? Forget about the affair. I could have five affairs right in front of him, but this would have been the single most devastating blow that I could have given him.  He would have never forgiven me--ever.   Derek is the most important person in his life (and mine).

While on the phone, T tried to calm me, but there was going to be none of that.   I can only imagine how it must have sounded on the other end.  I kept crying "My baby is gone!"   I actually hung up on him so that I could throw up under an apple tree.  He called back and finally had to shout at me to stop me from freaking out.  When I asked him why he was yelling at me, he apologized, and then told me to take a deep breath and think about where Derek could be.  Was there something that he was interested in...a petting zoo, or something else that caught his eye?  That was when I thought about the bee farm.  

Derek was found by the bee farm.  I hugged him so hard, that I almost crushed the life out of his little body.

Afterwards, I stopped at Chloe's house, and she was very concerned about my behavior at the orchard.  She wanted to get to bottom of why I completely lost it.  Yes, I did lose my son, but there was something going on with me.  I was irrational, dizzy and nauseous.   

Then, the answer came to her.  

"It's so obvious that you're pregnant!" she suggested with a smile...


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