SOS!! I CAN'T FUNCTION. I'VE GOT TO STOP THINKING...PERIOD!!!

I can't seem to think about anything other than wondering where the hell he went.  He has been gone since Saturday, and there has been no sign of him.   I know that I should not think of him at all, but I can't help it.  I want to talk to him, but then again, I'm afraid to be near him.

The event on Saturday and it's aftermath has taken over my mind.  I find myself drifting in and out of reality and fantasy.   I'm fantasizing about what happened, and afraid that I will be exposed.  I wonder if that is how Diana Adams felt when she started her affair.  Did she feel guilty?  Did she fantasize about her lover while she felt the guilt?  These are questions that I would love to ask her, but the risk of my own exposure is too great.  I wish that I could talk to someone about the turmoil in my head.

About that fear of being found out--it is paralyzing.  I can see Roberta now, spreading the news like the Black Plague, making sure that everyone on the known Earth would know about my fall from grace.  I remember how she cackled about Diana Adams' affair with her young landscaper.  It was an affair that, once exposed, ruined Diana's marriage and sent her to divorce court.  I never thought that I could fall in the same way, but I did.  I want to get it out of my head, but I can't.

 P noticed that my mind was somewhere else, as the pasta boiled over and made a mess.  I was looking out the window, lost in my daydreams, and dinner was all over the floor!   He asked me what was wrong with me, and was more concerned about boiling puddles of water on the tiles.  I didn't have an answer.  There is not enough time in the day to explain what is wrong with me.

I should be preparing Derek for school on Wednesday--buying school supplies and whatnot.  I should be organized and ready, but my head is in the clouds.   I can't eat because I'm nauseous.  I can't sleep because whenever I close my eyes, I see T's face.  I can't function!


I'm a mess!  

REGRETS...I HAVE A FEW...WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I BOUGHT THE CORVETTE, AND NOW I REGRET IT


I'm still trying to piece together what happened on Saturday morning.  Why did I let him in, knowing what I knew?  It was such an incredible risk.  


I don't know how it happened, although I do know why.  My desire made me hungry.  My need made me reckless, and overtook my better judgment.   At that critical moment, I didn't care who I was.  I didn't care who T was.  The passion overtook us.  I wanted T, and I did not think of the consequences until it was too late.  I had been dancing too close to the cliff, and I finally fell off.


Afterwards, when all the excitement was over,  we regretted it.  We knew that we were wrong, and I told him to leave, so that I could cry in peace.  In the aftermath, he is gone.  He said he would get away, and he did.  At first I was glad that he left, but now I am wondering where he went.  It is like he slipped off the face of the earth.


There is no way to close Pandora's Box, and no forgetting what happened, for either of us.  I know that I can't forget it.  I can't stop thinking about him, and what happened between us.  I wish that I could.  Every time I think about it, the guilt returns.  What have I done?


I am so confused right now--filled with anguish and remorse for what I have done--feeling like I've let down my family.  On the other hand, I also feel a certain amount of loss.  I know that I shouldn't miss T, but I do.  I am lost.

I HAVE A FREE DAY COMING UP!

P is taking Derek out early tomorrow, and returning in the late afternoon. That means that it will be a free day for mom!  I don't have many of those, especially in the summer, so I am truly looking forward to it.

I really don't know what I'm going to do.  I really do want to relax, but first I was thinking of doing a little walk in the park after yoga  in the morning.  Maybe I'll ride my bike.  Then later, I'll sit in the backyard with a glass of lemonade and read a book.  It will be quiet enough to do that.  


One thing that I will definitely not do is house work.  Tomorrow, I'm going to be lazy, and think only of myself--for once.   No worries, no problems--all relaxation.  Can't wait.

T READ MY BLOG. THE OTHER ONE, NOT THIS ONE--GOD FORBID!

I keep forgetting that he checks out that blog.  You can say that I'm embarrassed right now, because I admitted to the whole world that I tried to seduce my husband, and it failed.  Now he knows too.  Don't I feel great?

I guess that T checked it out because I will not return his texts, or his tweets.  I even sent Derek to deliver the Baked Ziti I made for him.  It must be driving him crazy that I am ignoring him, and I know that he wants to talk to me about what happened, but I'm not ready yet.  I still don't know what to say.  


I've erased all of his text messages, but I think that I'll keep the last one that he sent--just to remind myself that I'm not a failure.  This was his last message:  "I read your blog.  Don't you dare ever talk that way about yourself again!".


I felt like crying, but then I had to laugh.  I know how mad he must have been when he read the post.  I could see him now.  He was probably cursing after he read it, and while he was sending me the text.  He was mad at P for rejecting me--for sure--but also mad at me for getting down on myself. He hates it when I do that, almost as much as when I wear that over-sized sunflower cover-up t-shirt by the pool. 


God, I want to talk to him.  I miss my best friend.

YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS--THE KISS WAS JUST THAT--A KISS

I went for a walk once the sun went down yesterday.  I guess that I wanted to walk off some of the anxiety that I have been feeling lately, and get away from the brownies that have been calling my name.  I was a good idea to get some exercise, because I have been downright lazy, gaining a pound since last week.  It might not seem like a big deal, but I was one pound away from twenty.  Now I am two.  Damn those brownies!

Well, you can guess what happened next.  Halfway down the road, T was calling out to me, telling me to slow down.  He wanted to talk.  I sped up.  But, eventually, I stopped because he started to get dizzy trying to catch me.  We sat down and talked.

He asked me if I was avoiding him, and that was a stupid question because he knows damn well that I've been avoiding him and why.  He played down the incident, saying that it was nothing to be concerned about.  It was just a kiss...that's all...curiosity took over and lead to a minor mistake that he promised will never happen again. 

I wish that I could believe that.  Should I be insulted, since it was no big deal to him, and I was so freaked out?  Maybe I am overreacting.   Maybe I'm letting my fantasies take over reality, and I'm seeing things that are not there.  I don't know what to think.


Anyway, things are back to normal.  I have my friend back, and I am no longer running scared.  I just wish that I could erase my memory of that kiss.

I HATE HIS PARADE

Man, T's had a lot of visitors lately. Mostly women.  I don't know where they all came from! They must know that his mother has gone home, and the flood gates are open.  His house has a revolving door.  Everyone is checking in on the invalid, except me.


I saw Roberta go over there with a covered dish.  She probably poisoned him because she's a terrible cook.  Most likely, she bought something from the local Italian restaurant and put it into a casserole dish to make it look like she made it.  She's such a bitch.  She spent an hour there, then left with a frustrated look on her face.  I guess that she didn't get to "Buy the Corvette", which was probably her plan.


If you are checking out my twitter update, you probably know what "buy the Corvette" means.  It is code for "hook up with T".    I was going to use "enjoy a chocolate chip cookie"  as a code, but we all know that I have done that before, and I will do it again.  I would never buy a Corvette in real life, and I would not "buy this Corvette", either.


All joking aside, however attracted to T I happen to be, and however sexually frustrated I am,  I would never cross that bridge.  All of this fantasizing is just that--fantasizing.  I would never risk my family, or the friendship that I have with T.  It would ruin everything.  I mean, look how afraid I was about a stupid kiss (although it is the best one I've ever had)?  I could never go through with it.  I've got too much to lose.


But I still have my daydreams, and in my daydreams I can have what I want.  I can still look, can't I?

IT'S THE PERFECT TIME TO PANIC!!

I went to a wedding today with my family, but I wasn't thinking about the happy couple.  I was thinking about what happened before the wedding--before we even left the neighborhood.  I couldn't think about anything else.


I was dressed and ready to go to the wedding, but first I wanted to deliver something that I made for T, since I've been determined to step up while he's recovering from his accident. I knocked on the door, but there was no answer.  So, I used the key from the usual spot and let myself in.  I didn't see him, and suddenly I thought that he might have "company".  I tried to be as quiet as possible as I tiptoed through the house like a mouse trying not to wake up the cat.  I was going to put the lasagna in the fridge and get out of there.  That was my plan, anyway.


It didn't quite work out that way.  On the way back from the kitchen I ran into him, freshly showered and wearing not a stitch on him.  I have to admit that I could not help but get a good look before I covered my eyes and he dove into the bedroom.  BTW, he has a scar on his abdomen and all the rumors that I've heard are true.

When he returned, wearing a bathingsuit, he tried to break the ice by joking about how I'm making him fat with all of the food.  Seriously, the man does not have an inch of fat on his perfectly formed body.  Anyway, I'm not panicking about that.  That happened innocently enough.  It was what happened afterwards that is making me freak out.  He complimented the way I looked in the new dress, and one thing led to another until we suddenly kissed.


It wasn't one of those neighborly kisses, or one that you would give to a family member.  It was a hot, passionate kiss that practically blew my shoes off.  I've never experienced a kiss like that, and it wasn't just a kiss.  It may have been a prelude to something else if I had not slammed on the brakes.  Then we both realized what we were doing, and split apart like we were burning.  Well, we were.


I was so panicked afterwards, that I didn't stay long enough to listen to him apologize.  I just got the hell out of there.   Ran like a scared little rabbit running away from a wolf. A wolf that I'm extremely attracted to, by the way, and I can't seem to get out of my mind.  


Now, I'm back from the wedding and wondering what I should do.  I know one thing--I definitely have to stay away from T.  At least for a week to let this cool down...but I don't want to.

IT DIDN'T WORK. FAILURE AGAIN!!!

I tried.  I swear to God, I tried.  Desperate times calls for desperate measures, so I tried.


I made his favorite food.  I put our son to bed early.  I tried to get his attention, but was rejected...again.  I don't know how much more my ego can take. 

A half-hour ago, after he went to bed, I was literally crying in the bathtub and praying for guidance.  Now, I'm sitting bleary-eyed in front of the computer, and I'm still miserable.   I wish that I had a husband that did not take me for granted--I really do.   I desperately need support from him so that my mind does not start to wander.  The problem is that I know exactly where to find the support I need, but it's not an option.  I wish it were that easy.

I'm wishing so many things at this point.  I'm close to the edge, and hoping that I will not fall.

Wishing that I would not fall?  He is practically pushing me off the cliff!  If he knew how close I was to jumping, would he even care?  I  can't stress how mad I am.  He keeps rejecting me, and making me feel horrible about myself.  I spent the past few days fretting about what happened with T, and how I need to avoid him to try to get my marriage back on track.  But, I am not happy in this marriage and P doesn't seem to care that I have been neglected.  He does not notice me at all.  I'm just the lady who cleans the house, cooks the food and takes care of his child.  Other than that, I'm invisible.


I'm done making the first move, or any move.  I'm so sexually frustrated right now, I could gnaw open a can of tomatoes with my eye teeth.  But, I won't let my mind wander and jump into the fantasy land where my lover is incredibly hot, he worships the ground I walk on and we can't keep our hands off each other (with no consequences, mind you).  


Well, at least in my imagination, I can have a good time.  That's all I've got right now.

THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK

This is so stupid.  I know that it's not going to work.  What make me think that another attempt at seduction will work?


P is already parked in front of the television, and letting me clean up the kitchen by myself.  He didn't even tell me that he liked the food.  His favorite food.  He just ate,  put his plate in the sink, and then walked into the living room to watch the Phillies. The damn Phillies!  I guess that I should be happy that he put his plate in the sink, but I would love to smash everything in it.

I'm determined to try, though.  Take a stab at it.  Open myself up for humiliation--again.  Try to avoid the craving for ice cream that I've been having all day.  I'll be lean, and hungry, and irresistible to my indifferent husband.  I hope.  


If this does not work, I don't know what to do.  I'm standing at the edge of a cliff right now, and P needs to talk me back from the edge or I'll fall off.

FORGET WHAT I SAID

I am a complete lunatic.  I'm out of my mind!  I should delete that last post. I am seeing things that are not there.  I just don't know the rules of this "just friends" thing.  I've never had a male friend before.  I'm just confusing "fondness" for "love".  T's fond of me, and it goes both ways.  He's not in love with me, and I'm not in love with him.  I'm sure about that.  It was just my soap opera watching, romance novel inspired,  extremely overactive imagination.

,

T says nice things about me, and knowing who he is and especially what he looks like, I'm  flabbergasted.  I'm overreacting! He only sees me as the married next door neighbor that is his good friend, who sends over a tray of lasagna once in a while.  That's all.  That's all I am, and all that I should be.  What am I getting so worried about?


Maybe I just miss seeing him since his mother is there and taking care of him while he's laid up after the accident.   I'm out of the loop right now, and it's driving me crazy.  I just want to be useful, I guess, help a little bit? That's all.


She's leaving tonight, and I'll check in if he doesn't have any visitors.  I'll bring him something to eat.  Things will be back to normal then.

I hope

I HAVE FEELINGS THAT I DO NOT WANT BUT CANNOT CONTROL

I'm addicted to T.  Maybe it's because he's so different than the other man in my life, who can be cold, distant and indifferent.  T is so much more supportive, comforting, and enthusiastic about the person that I am.  In a word, he is more loving, and I can't get enough.


Does T actually love me?  I don't know.  But if you take into account his actions, he does.  T is always there when I need him.  Right now, he is my best friend, before any other--male or female.  I feel like I've known him forever.  The problem is that I'm having a problem with feelings for T that are getting out of hand. 


How did this happen?  I used to hate him. I used to catch T staring at me, and it would make me uncomfortable.  It was the way that he looked at me.  There were these long and probing stares from a man who didn't want to miss a thing.  No man ever looked at me like that;  not even my own husband.  I tried to ignore the attention and not think about how he made me feel.  But, he was slowly bringing me back to life, making me feel truly attractive for the first time in my life.


Now I can't stop thinking about him.   I want to look at him, smell his skin, be in his presence.   I enjoy his company.   I want to be with him, but not in the biblical sense.  I could just sit in the same room with him, and be content.   We wouldn't even have to talk.  


That's what scares me the most.  I am truly comfortable with him around.  Does that mean that I'm in love with him?  If it does, then I shouldn't be, and it's a problem.  God help me.

A HOSPITAL VISIT TO SEE T

Today, I dropped off Derek at Chloe's house and I visited T's room.  When I saw him, I was in shock.  I've never seen him like that.  He is always so strong, almost a towering figure, and today he was just lying there, asleep--almost helpless.  


I touched his head.  I couldn't help myself.  Suddenly he opened those steel blue eyes and was awake.  He saw my own teary eyes,  smiled and laughed at my tears and the concerned look on my face.  He tried to convince me that he was okay, but I hated seeing him like that, with cuts and bruises, looking like hell.  

Oh by the way, I finally met his "good friend", Trudi.  The one that actually liked the goatee that I told him looked ridiculous (and he did shave it off, by the way). She sashayed into the room looking every bit the model that she is.  Blonde, young and beautiful with everything in its proper place--and nothing plastic like Roberta.  She's practically perfect, body-wise, and who can compete with that?  Although, she did seem a little light in the brain area (does that sound petty?).  He introduced me as his neighbor next door, and she recognized my name.  Then she turned her full attention to him, like I was not even there. Since they have, on occasion, been more than friends,  I felt a little out of place, so I left.


I hope that he's in good hands, but I have a feeling that Trudi's only good for one thing.

T CRASHED HIS MOTORCYCLE, I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT AND P LAUGHED AT ME

Oh God, T was in an accident, and I was frantic.  


I tried to hard to keep my cool about it as P gave me the news as if this was a man that we hardly knew.  P ate dinner, read the paper, and cooly said "oh by the way, did you hear that Captain America was in an accident?"  I tried to keep my composure, but my heart was lodged in my throat.  All I heard was head injury, and hospital stay.  I wanted to break down and cry.  I realized that I could have lost him just like that.

P didn't seem very concerned, like men get into motorcycle accidents every day.  He did say, "Thank God it didn't happen when Mark took Derek for a ride."  I agreed with him, of course, but decided not to remind him that Mark took me for a ride on that same day as well.  Guess that he forgot that little tidbit of information.  

When I asked for more information on the accident, he became aggravated because he was in the middle of watching his precious Phillies game.  He sighed and said "why don't you ask him yourself?"  I expressed doubts about visiting T in the hospital, and said "What would people think?"  P laughed out loud as if it was the funniest thing he had ever heard.  I guess he assumed that no one in the world would get the wrong idea.


What makes him so sure of that?  Am I that unattractive in his eyes?  Sometimes I wonder why he married me in the first place.  We hardly talk to each other, and when we do, it's about Derek or work--it's never about us.  As for sex, I might as well be a nun.


No matter.  I'm getting my wish.  I am going to see T at the hospital tomorrow, and with my husband's blessing.  

I MAY HAVE GONE A LITTLE OVERBOARD--TO SAY THE LEAST

I really should not drink. Really. My other blog told about my big night out with the girls, but it did not tell you everything. This is the rest of the story:

I was having a good time with the girls, it's true. But when I saw T walk in with his date, I could not keep my eyes off them. It took about an hour before the rest of the woman at my table noticed them, but I knew that he was there. Maybe I was jealous--I don't know.


Then the conversation was all about T, the neighborhood's "man whore". They talked about his dates, and the current one at his table. Then Roberta regaled us with a rumor that she had heard about him, and we it was decided that it explained everything about why he was so popular. I'm thinking on investing in a pair of binoculars, by the way. But, I know that I wouldn't have the nerve to use them, Roberta is right about that.


Fast forward about an hour. Roberta had teased me because I was drinking iced tea (among other things--she wouldn't leave me alone), so I decided to prove to her that I could have fun. Those young guys at the bar sent over the pitcher of shots, and I tried one. Then I tried another. Then another. I remember feeling a little woozy as I rose to walk towards the bathroom. On the way back, I stopped at T's table.




He immediately knew that I was drunk, as I introduced myself to his pick of the night. I think that I actually said "So, you're the latest pick of the night?" Classy, right? He has never seen me in that condition, so I think that he was in shock. I said some more things that I don't remember, and his date was ruined--I would like to hope that it wasn't intentional. I didn't like her--I know that for a fact. She kept giving me dirty looks. He deserves so much better than her. 


From that point on, I do not remember much, but I do know that he drove me home, and walked me to the door so that I didn't fall on my face. I remember thanking him and thinking that he was so damned handsome, and how I was so attracted to him. Then I somehow came to my senses. THANK GOD!


Fast forward to Monday at the home. While we waited for Frank to come back to the room, T told me that I hit on him several times on Saturday night--once making a comment about how big his hands and feet are (Chloe confirmed as much when I talked to her on the phone Sunday night. She said that I "wasn't myself" and should not drink shots anymore--Duh!) 


T teased me further by thanking me for a so-called "great night". He fooled me for a second, because I remember something that I said at my front door that may have been a little flirty. Eventually, I saw through his ruse. His date was waiting in the truck, and nothing happened. Then he mentioned something about the heart shaped birthmark on my tummy, and now I'm wondering if I was dancing on the table with my shirt off. How does he know about that birthmark? I've got to find that out, somehow.


Meanwhile, my head was pounding so much that it could have split a mountain in half. T convinced me that he could make it go away with reflexology. I was in no mood to argue with him, and I was in so much pain that I would have tried anything. I agreed to have him try, and it was working. I was relaxed, and comfortable, but soon I felt sensations in certain places. Shocked, I quickly pulled my foot back like an airplane retracting its landing gear. He laughed, and said that he didn't mean to do it. I blushed, because I am not so sure that it was unintentional. Why do I always trust this guy?


Maybe it was revenge for ruining his date? I don't know, but it does make me wonder.

ANOTHER FAILED SEDUCTION

I should have known that it would turn out this way.  I do not know why I keep trying, because every time Philip rejects me I feel bad about myself.  Makes me want to dive face first into a gallon of ice cream.

We don't even talk anymore.  Well, we do, but it's usually about work or Derek.  Nothing about us.  Right now, I don't remember what I saw in him to make me want to get married.  Maybe I just wanted to be settled down with a family.  I was twenty-four, and he bought me flowers and gifts all the time, and I thought that he was romantic.  I had no other prospects, and I overlooked my reservations.  

Maybe I'm just frustrated about another seduction gone to hell.

MY BEST FRIEND IS NOT MY HUSBAND

My other blog post, tells you about the day at the beach.  Now I'm going to tell you a little bit more about it. I just can't go into that much detail there, because I'm not sure who will read it.



T told me that I was more beautiful than Roberta (T is a friend of mine, and I will call him T on this blog). I laughed in his face because Roberta is, well how do I say it? Well preserved (by plastic or whatever), and looks very good for her age. She's always flaunting around in her perfect body, blonde hair and tanned skin. But, he said that I was much better than her. This is coming from a man, who on occasion, has dated women half his age (but not lately).


He called me Peach again. Now, I have heard him call me that before, but I finally got him to tell me why, because I was mad at him for calling me that nickname. My anger stemmed from a conversation on the beach with my so-called friends about sex and fruit. Supposedly, peaches remind men of women's butts. Never heard that before, but somehow I found this out without telling them that T calls me Peach. Anyway...


In order to save his life, (I wouldn't put it past him to call me a nickname that was perverted), he finally explained why he calls me Peach. His explanation for the nickname was sweet, and not perverted at all. He told me that he calls me that because I blush when I'm mad or embarrassed. The name also reminds him that I am a forbidden fruit (?). I was a little flabbergasted, because I didn't think that he thought about me at all in any fashion. I'm not really sure what he meant, but I think that he was flirting with me. Or maybe I'm imagining things. That's entirely possible, and it would not be the first time.


However, he did make me feel good about myself, and for me, that doesn't happen often. If P told me that I was "wasting away to nothing", like T said today, I would have taken it as an insult (it probably would have been an insult). T says it, and I'm flattered. Funny thing. I used to hate him, but now he is my best friend.

MY HUSBAND DOESN'T LOVE ME ANY MORE

Maybe I am wrong, or seeing things. Maybe I'm overreacting.  I just have this funny feeling that I am alone in this marriage.

When did it start? I guess that it was after my second miscarriage. P always wanted a big family, and was happy after Derek was born seven years ago. It was a happier time for all of us. Two miscarriages later, I feel defective and he has been more and more distant. Maybe he's disappointed in me because I can't deliver the goods. Maybe he has given up on me.
He never was really affectionate. Oh, he was quick with the flowers now and then, but those public displays of affection were few and far in between, if any. Jealously, I watch my friends and their husbands show their love for each other. I would take one passionate kiss over 12 dozen roses any day.

I guess this is the card that I have been dealt. I will keep trying to make this marriage work--play my role as perfect wife and mother. Maybe one day, he will look across the table and see me as someone other than the "help". I am a nearly desperate woman who needs the love and affection of a man who loves me.



My Introduction