I'M MORTIFIED, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT...TO MYSELF

I had a bowl of ice cream today.  I needed it after a night like last night.  The day was okay, but the night?  Oh brother!

It all started when I was about to drive Derek to soccer camp in the morning.  I ran into Mark and he offered to let us use the pool after Derek got back.  I said no initially, because I was starting to get uneasy about spending time over there without Philip, and also about what Mark's ex-wife said last week (not to trust him), so I've kinda been avoiding him lately.  But it was an extremely hot day yesterday, I felt sorry for Derek, so I took him up on his offer.

Mark was not there when we came in, so I actually went into the pool with Derek, which I would never do.  I usually sit on the side and watch, but it was very hot.  Suddenly, Mark jumped in and popped up out of nowhere.  I don't know where he came from.  It seemed like only five minutes later that Philip arrived, home early from work.

Derek was so happy to see his Dad home early from work, and begged him to join us in the pool.   Mark offered to cook us dinner, and that seemed to break the cold silence that Philip displayed.  When Philip returned after changing, he brought me a swim t-shirt (I guess that it was a hint), and jumped in to played pool basketball with Derek.  He seemed to be having a good time, but when Mark left to start dinner, Philip's attitude changed.  He was cold and distant.

Dinner was a fiasco.  Mark served red wine with the steak, and Philip drank like there was no tomorrow.  Then he started to get on my case--telling me that the house is a wreck and that I'm slacking in my duties, or something like that.  He said that I've spent too much time at the beach (I tried to explain that it's the summer, but he didn't listen).  He was scolding me in front of Mark and Derek, and I was humiliated.

Then it got personal.  He practically laughed at my weight loss efforts, telling me that I didn't need to lose weight, and who was I trying to impress?  He actually brought up the fact that I unsuccessfully tried to seduce him the other day--he didn't say the exact words, but everyone in the room knew what he meant (except for Derek, thank God). 

 At that point, Mark started clearing the table to get away from the uncomfortable situation, as I was speechless.  When I finally got away from the table to help Mark in the kitchen, he was mad at me for not defending myself.   He was married for five minutes, for God's sake, and was not a very good husband from what I've been told.  He's the last person that should give advice about marriage being a partnership.  I told him to mind his own business, and he finally shut up.  At least I can get HIM to listen to me--but what good does that do?  He's not my problem.

Who does Philip think that I'm trying to impress?  Maybe I am doing all this to get attention from my own indifferent husband, who makes a sport of making me feel inferior.  Sometimes I feel that the less time I spend with him, the better I feel about myself.   It's a shocking admission, isn't it?  What does that say about us?  Maybe I'm just saying too much.

Whatever!  I don't care what he thinks.  I'm down 10 lbs. at this point, and I'm not going to stop. From now on, I'm doing this for ME!

DIET---THE MILLIONTH ATTEMPT

OKAY, I ACTUALLY LOST WEIGHT LAST WEEK!  THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT!

Five pounds.  It's not much, but I did not quit or break down all week.  I worked hard for that 5 lousy pounds.  No alcohol, no bread, no dairy, hardly any sugar.  You would think that there's nothing left to eat, and I did have some cravings--bread especially.  I didn't realize how much bread I ate regularly!

I exercised too!  Really!  I walked around the block a few times after Philip got home from work, and attempted to do the YOGA FOR DUMMIES tape that I've had for ten years.  I'm really proud of myself.  I actually survived the whole week without breaking down.  I think that I can do this!

SOMEONE SAVED MY LIFE TONIGHT

I looked away for a second, and that was all it took.  Then Derek was face down in the pool.  I froze.  Luckily, Mark was there to pull him out, and bring him back to life.  I almost lost my boy.

We were at Mark's house for dinner.  Me, Philip and Derek.  I was mad--forced into making dinner for someone I hate because of a favor he did for us.  It was the least that I could do, Philip said.  I wasn't thrilled about it.

Then after dinner, while Philip went next door to get something, and Derek swam in the pool, Mark and I got into a heated argument.  I don't even know what it was about anymore.  It all seems so silly now.  The argument continued until Philip returned, and then I realized that I didn't hear Derek anymore.  I turned, and to my horror, Derek was no longer swimming.

I screamed, and then Mark jumped into the pool, and with Philip's help, pulled Derek out.  He wasn't breathing.  Mark gave him CPR, and I never prayed so hard in my life.  By the grace of God, Derek was saved.  The man that I hated saved his life, and in turn, saved my life.  I will never forget it.

BIRTHDAY BLUES--WHERE DID THE TIME GO?

I'm thirty-six.  The idea hit me like a bolt of lightning as I looked at the gray streaks in my hair this morning.  How did this happen?  Wasn't I twenty-one two weeks ago?

My confidence is at an all time low.  I'm out of shape, and unhappy.  Sure, I've tried to lose weight--every Monday I start, but by Wednesday I'm back to the old routine.  I can't seem to get motivated. maybe I'm just in a rut.  Oh, I'm definitely in a rut.

Philip never looks at me in a sensual way.  Not that he ever did look at me the way that Chloe's husband looks at her, or the way that Theresa's husband touches her shoulder from time to time.   Philip was never like that.   Maybe I'm just jealous.  After ten years of marriage I feel like we just go through the motions every day.  I can't remember the last time we were intimate.  Then again, maybe I'm just overreacting. 

My friends, Chloe and Theresa are both older and are able to laugh off my horror about turning 36.  They've already hit the mark and passed it.  It's no big deal.  One more year--older and wiser.  They cay "Calm down Victoria, it's a part of life".  They don't understand.  They are content with their lives.  I wish that I could be so calm about this, and I'm trying, but I have a feeling that my best years are behind me.

I was supposed to have a big family by now.  Three or four kids. Even though I love Derek more than anyone or anything else in this world, I would have loved to give him a brother or sister.  It was not meant to be.  Two miscarriages later, I've pretty much given up on that idea.   I was supposed to be happy and content with a doting husband.  Maybe Philip resents that I can't have more children, and that's why he is so distant.  Well, that's what I think, anyway.

Chloe and Theresa tried to cheer me up today.  Big spa day at Chloe's house.  Mimosas, pedicures, massage.  I was actually enjoying myself, and was not thinking about my birthday.  Tried not to think about the idiot next door who has made my life miserable since he moved in, but could not.  The thought of him made me make a stupid mistake today that almost ruined my spa day.

I have to admit that Mark, the idiot, annoys me more than any other person that I have ever met.  I think that he pushes my buttons on purpose just to make me look like a lunatic.  It's like a game to him.  The sad thing is that I get more attention from that jerk than I get from my own husband. But I don't want the attention. I just want him to go away.  I wish that I could just ignore him, but he always seems to be around.