My confidence is at an all time low. I'm out of shape, and unhappy. Sure, I've tried to lose weight--every Monday I start, but by Wednesday I'm back to the old routine. I can't seem to get motivated. maybe I'm just in a rut. Oh, I'm definitely in a rut.
Philip never looks at me in a sensual way. Not that he ever did look at me the way that Chloe's husband looks at her, or the way that Theresa's husband touches her shoulder from time to time. Philip was never like that. Maybe I'm just jealous. After ten years of marriage I feel like we just go through the motions every day. I can't remember the last time we were intimate. Then again, maybe I'm just overreacting.
My friends, Chloe and Theresa are both older and are able to laugh off my horror about turning 36. They've already hit the mark and passed it. It's no big deal. One more year--older and wiser. They cay "Calm down Victoria, it's a part of life". They don't understand. They are content with their lives. I wish that I could be so calm about this, and I'm trying, but I have a feeling that my best years are behind me.
I was supposed to have a big family by now. Three or four kids. Even though I love Derek more than anyone or anything else in this world, I would have loved to give him a brother or sister. It was not meant to be. Two miscarriages later, I've pretty much given up on that idea. I was supposed to be happy and content with a doting husband. Maybe Philip resents that I can't have more children, and that's why he is so distant. Well, that's what I think, anyway.
Chloe and Theresa tried to cheer me up today. Big spa day at Chloe's house. Mimosas, pedicures, massage. I was actually enjoying myself, and was not thinking about my birthday. Tried not to think about the idiot next door who has made my life miserable since he moved in, but could not. The thought of him made me make a stupid mistake today that almost ruined my spa day.
I have to admit that Mark, the idiot, annoys me more than any other person that I have ever met. I think that he pushes my buttons on purpose just to make me look like a lunatic. It's like a game to him. The sad thing is that I get more attention from that jerk than I get from my own husband. But I don't want the attention. I just want him to go away. I wish that I could just ignore him, but he always seems to be around.