MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR

I spent this Thanksgiving at my parent's house.  Spent most of the day in the kitchen with my mom, sister and sister-in-law as "the men", including my younger brother,  hung out in the living room watching football.  I basically stayed away from Philip as much as possible.  I was better off.

Once we were seated at the dining room table, my brother and his wife had a big announcement.  My sister-in-law is pregnant with her first child, and is 3 months along.  If all goes well, she will probably have the baby in May. This news hit me in between the eyes, because my child would have been due at the same time, but I did not let it affect my mood.  I took a deep breath, smiled my biggest smile, and then hugged my excited relatives.  My sulking would have to wait.

You know, I like the look of this table

As I hugged them, Philip curiously gave me the usual look (the "everyone can get pregnant except you" look).  I thought that it was a little weird, since we have not been intimate for at last six months, and probably never will again.  So why was he giving me "the look" that always made me feel inferior (and still does, as a matter of fact)?  Maybe it was just habit--another way to make me feel like crap.  He doesn't even know about my latest tragedy.  Would he have been more sympathetic if he knew?  Who knows.  Anyway, I don't know why I brought it up.  I've let it go, like everything else in these past few weeks.   

That news aside, it was a great day in the comfort of my family.  Philip and I play-acted as if nothing was wrong--played our parts well.  We had never been overly affectionate to each other in the past, so all we had to do was to pretend that we still could stand to be in the same room together.   

Life is not perfect, but it was never entirely perfect.      I can't imagine what we would have done if we had split up before this holiday.  I am happy and thankful enough that my family is still together.

IT WAS ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE!

Last night I went for a long needed night out with the girls. It was a Friday, and we haven't been getting together to play tennis, and we needed an excuse to go out.  

I had a few drinks, and my tongue became a little loose, but I didn't let the secret out.  It was right there, ready to fly out, but I kept it in his cage.  That was the agreement that I had with P, and I kept my promise.  But, God how I wish that I could tell someone (besides the priest).  Maybe one day, I will spill my guts to my friends, and let the  chips fall.  That should be an interesting conversation--to say the least.  They will either console me, or will be shocked beyond belief.

Getting back to last night, I had a great time.  We went to a nice local Italian restaurant.  The atmosphere was perfect.  There was no Roberta, no young guys hanging out at the bar, and no T with a date to muddle my mind.  It was just me, Chloe and Theresa--eating food, drinking wine and laughing.  All this, and I was hangover free this morning.  Thank God for small miracles.

I missed the laughing.  There has not been enough to laugh about lately, but I am not going to dwell on it, as promised.  I am keeping myself busy, preparing for Thanksgiving.  I've been watching the Food network lately, which is always fun this time of year.  Even though I am going to my parents house for Thanksgiving, I am still going to make a turkey over the weekend--for leftovers, etc.  I know that Derek loves turkey, and whatever comes with it (as does Philip), and I want to make him happy.  If it pleases P, well...THAT would be a miracle.

Speaking of this time of year.  It just so happens that our 11th wedding anniversary is coming up.  Should be interesting.  Eleven years ago, on November 25th, 2000, we married on the weekend after Thanksgiving (to make it easier for his family, who were coming in for the holiday).  It was cold and windy that day.  A sign, perhaps?  Probably, but I didn't see it.  Funny thing, I was checking my other blog and I noticed that I didn't post anything about our 10th anniversary last year.  It was supposed to be such a big occasion, and I don't remember what we did.  Maybe that was a sign of things to come.  Who knows?

So anyway, did I pass the non-pathetic, non-whiny test?  Yes, I still think about T and wonder what he's doing, and I probably always will.  But instead of listening to depressing music, I switched to Christmas CDs.  It's a step up.  You all should be proud of me.

THANKSGIVING ANXIETY - UNEDITED

Thanksgiving is just around the corner.  So much to do with so little time.  We are having company at our home this year.  We are having turkey, stuffing and all the trimmings, and will have the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade playing on the background.  It is one of my favorite holidays, outside of Christmas.

I have to admit that even though this holiday is one of my favorites, this year I am dreading it.  I'm having the in-laws over, and Philip's sister, husband and children.  I love them, but for the past ten years of my marriage, I have felt that they tolerate me, at the most.  It is always such a stressful  time when they are over.  My niece and nephew run around the house, which makes Derek a lunatic.  Philip's parents seem to complain about everything;  the traffic, the food, the decorations.  I try so hard to please them, but whatever I do does not seem to be enough for them.

But I will soldier on, as usual, and watch the clock counting the hours before they leave. The Girardis are stopping by at around seven, and this might be the last time that we spend Thanksgiving together.  Hopefully, Philip's family will be gone by then and I can relax.