CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT--OR MADE ME MORE CURIOUS...SOMETHING LIKE THAT

Needless to say that after my pleasant conversation with Trudi, I have realized that T has not moved on, or dropped off the face of the Earth.  She acted like she sees him regularly, so he may even be back in Ackerland, for instance.   I wanted to find out.  I needed to find out, and I know that I will not get any information from Trudi or Anita because the last thing they want is me back in the picture.

So, I drove to the Ackerland airport yesterday.  It was a longshot, to say the least.  But, I was itching for some answers...probably lonely and starved for companionship...I must admit.  Without reservations, I just drove all the way up there without calling first, and didn't even know if anyone would be there, or if the place was even open. 

The airport was deserted, which must be usual for this time of year (what am I, an expert about airports now?), however, T's friend Jim was in the office.   I figured that he, of all people, must know where of his whereabouts, and would give me some concrete information.

What did I find out?  Absolutely nothing...of course!  I asked him outright if he knew where T was, and looked straight into his eyes, trying to attack him with my imaginary "truth ray"--didn't work.  He said that he had not heard from T in months, and that he might have gone to Florida to be with his kid.  I wasn't going to say it to his face, but I could tell that he was lying, and felt uncomfortable with his answer.  Unfortunately,  I couldn't water board the guy to get my information.   There was nothing else that I could do, but to give him my number to contact me if he found anything out.  I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for him to call.

I don't know what I expected.   It seems that all of T's friends and relatives are working against me. Maybe it's because T does not want me to know where he is--possibly "for my own good", or his own good.  I don't know if I should feel guilty, or relieved that he is as miserable as I am.  I have to tell you that the thought of Trudi "getting him back to normal" bothers me.  I know what she insinuated, and I'm jealous.

I want to scream out loud!  I don't even know why I am doing this! If I ever do find T, what will I do then?  I'm still in the same situation as before, with a son's happiness at stake.  I do not want to destroy it.   My conscience tells me to forget about him and move on, but as hard as I try,  I can't.  After all this time, I still love him.

I really don't know what I'm going to do next.  I know that many of are thinking, "there she goes again".  Well, you're right.  Just when I though that I had it all figured out, something happened, and I realized that I have no idea what I'm doing.

FYI...CONFRONTATIONS ARE NOT FUN

Today started out great.  Now, you know that whenever I start a post with that sentence, it means that something went wrong.  You would be correct.

Where do I start?  Well, since it was a rainy day, I decided to go to the mall and spend some of the money that I have earned since my first catering job on Super Bowl Sunday.  I know that Philip said that the money "is not much and not worth the effort...blah, blah blah", but I have earned enough of it to buy something small, at least.  So, I did just that.

Lately, going to the mall has been tricky for me.  There are a lot of memories floating around in "Burnett's Gym", and "Spiders Bar and Restaurant", as well as the dreaded lingerie store, "Sensual Things".  I felt a little heavy-hearted when I passed "Sensual Things", since the only reason I ever stepped foot into that place was because of T, and I haven't been in there since (what's the point).  But, I had to pass that store to get to my destination--another clothing store, where I found a great outfit that was on sale.  Had to go down another size, by the way.  Just saying...

So I was feeling pretty good as I walked back from the clothing store, and I was about to pass the aforementioned lingerie store door when I ran into T's "good friend", Trudi (if you don't recognize who this is, click the link).

If you said "Uh oh", then you had the right instinct.  

When she started out the conversation by saying "Oh look who it is...the perfect wife," I realized that it was not going to be a pleasant chat.  I was right.  It went downhill from there.  I guess that she has been waiting for an opportunity to blast me, and it all came out at once.  

Trudi asked if I had even thought once about T's feelings at all before I made the decision to "dump him".  She told me that I ruined her best friend, and "he is not fun anymore" because of my selfishness, but not to worry because she would "make sure" that he got back to normal in spite of me.  Nice little dig, there.

I was shocked and embarrassed, to say the least, to be dressed down in public by Trudi.  I felt as if I were being scolded like a mischievous child.  She did not yell, or make a scene, but there was a certain venom in her voice that informed me that I was deeply despised by this woman.    She really does care a great deal for T, and she blamed me for everything under the sun.  

I wanted to tell her that she had no idea how difficult my decision was, but I don't think that it would have mattered.  She had her mind made up, so there was no reason to  explain myself.   Finally, I no longer wanted to stand there to let her attack me any further, even if she might have been right.  I just walked away, making a quick escape, and she did not follow.  Rather, she yelled, "I hope you're happy".  I almost wanted to laugh when she said that.  I'm surviving, but happy is the last thing that I am.

When I made it back to the van, I allowed myself to sit for a moment and cry.  I realized that when I made the decision to give up T, I thought of everyone but myself--my husband, my extended family, my neighbors, and mostly Derek.  How would they be affected by my decision?  As for my own happiness, it had to go on the back burner.  I thought that I made a noble sacrifice for the tranquility of my son.  I still believe that I made the right decision at that time, and I've had to live with the consequences.  Regrets?  Many.  So many.  

I didn't think about how it would affect anyone else.  I should have.

I'M CHANGING ME

Good News.  My first catering job was a success!

Well you can't exactly call it full service catering, I guess.  Claudia picked it up and served it herself.  But, I did the cooking, and I got paid to do it--so it's catering.

Claudia called me that Sunday night and raved about the lasagna.   She said that her guests loved it too.  She asked me if I had a menu or business cards (which I did not), because her guests were asking about me and what else I would make.  I just told her to give them my number.  Since then, I have had a couple of jobs.  One, I did last weekend, and this weekend, I have another.  

I've worked out a small menu--some trays and some desserts.  I didn't even know what to call the business, so I just called it "Victoria's Catering" for now.  I ordered cards and they should be coming soon.

I could not sleep that first Sunday night because my mind was racing.  I was so nervous/excited/frightened about where this could lead.  Now, I'm just excited and proud of myself.  This is the first thing that is truly mine, and it is so satisfying to have money in pocket that I earned through my own effort.  It has been such a long time since I have been able to say that.  I'm changing for the better, and I like this woman.

P, as expected, is not as excited as I would have hoped.  Among other things, he says that it is not worth it to do all this work for a small amount of money.  I don't agree.  It doesn't take away from my time with Derek, or anything else that is important.  I enjoy it, and that is what matters.  This is for me.  

I don't know what it is with him.  Maybe he doesn't want me to have something of my own, or he doesn't want me to be happy.

Anyway, I could really care less what he thinks ;)