IT'S REALLY OVER

I had one night left with T...one night with the man that I love.  I wanted to make the best of our last night together.  Seemed like a very tall order, and I was extremely apprehensive.  I did not know how he would react, since right before the doorbell rang I was in his arms.  Now I was about to tell him that I could never see him again.  I wouldn't have blamed him if he threw me out of the house.

He did not reject me.  He knew what I was going to say, but asked that I not say it--not yet, anyway, since it was our last night together.  We did not waste our last Wednesday.

In the morning, he told me that he would be gone by the end of the day.   Once he left, he would not be coming back. He had packed enough for a week, and then his things would be picked up later--furniture, etc.    Some boxes in the basement had yet to be emptied since he moved next door.  Guess he doesn't have to empty them now.   He hired someone to do the rest of the move for him. Everything was arranged, just waiting for the final word.

He asked me about the terms of the arrangement, and I could have lied and told him that P wanted to reconcile completely, but I didn't want our last words to be lies.  I told him the truth.   The truth didn't make him happy, as he did not like what the future held for me.   Then he surprised me.  For the first and only time, he asked me to reconsider my decision to go back to P--told me that I should stay with him. People get divorced all the time, and we could work it out--be together.   

I told him that I couldn't do that, and it broke my heart.  He didn't ask again.

Yesterday, at six on the morning, I said goodbye to T and walked out the door.  Like promised, I haven't seen him since.    His cell phone number has been changed to an unlisted number.  Yes, I've tried to call him.  I wanted to call him five minutes after I left his house, but I waited until later in the day.  You would have tried to call him too.  How he disappear so quickly?

I am not ready to say goodbye.  I'll never be ready.  I am distraught, because I can't believe that I will never see him again.  I keep staring at that empty house.  Yes, his things are still there, but he is gone.  As far as I am concerned, the house is empty.

I have to believe that I have made the right decision.  I can only hope that eventually P will let me be more than a roommate, and that we can sit in a room together without hate emanating from his direction.  It is just a fantasy at this point, because I know that he is only doing this because of our son.  At least I can be grateful for that.