Thursday, November 12, 2015

A SUDDEN CHANGE OF HEART

Yesterday started like all the other days of my new existence as a soon to be ex-wife.  I woke up in the guest room at T's house, and dragged myself next door.  I passed P on the way into the house, and he didn't even look at me.  We were like two ships passing in the night (like the song says, but without the smile saying it's all right).  With a kiss, I woke Derek for school, and hugged him.  This had been my daily routine.

I stayed the day in the house,  spent the day whole wondering if P called a lawyer, and when I should call one.  I fretted about what I was going to do when the affair was made public, because we cannot hide this forever.  The nosy people will want to know why we were getting a divorce, especially our friends, relatives, and neighbors.  Roberta was going to have a field day once this secret was exposed.  This particular gossip would make her year--the fall of a "Perfect Wife".

As I wondered, I scrubbed the floors--worked my ass off.  It was the stress, I guess.  I clean so that I won't eat  (Eating used to be the thing that I did when I was stressed--don't want to pick up that habit again).  By the time Derek came home from school, I was completely out of energy.

At eight, I was pitched out again.  P didn't say the words, but he didn't have to--just gave me that special look, and I left.  He didn't want to talk, and I didn't care.  I just wanted to trudge back to T's house and collapse.  Once I was there, I was tired, cranky, and my back was aching (it already hurt in the morning because of that stupid, lousy mattress on the guest bed.  I should have asked T to replace it weeks ago, if not for me, but for when his son Alex visited from Florida).  T was not home yet because he was working on a Wednesday for a change, so I took it upon myself to stretch out on his comfortable "Sleep Number" bed.

Inevitably, he found me when he came home, and for the first time in about a month, we did not try to fight our affection for each other.  I know that I was starved for it, and considering the bleak outlook of my marriage, I decided not to fight it.  P had said repeatedly that didn't want me back.   I knew that T loved me, and I loved him, and desperately needed his attention.  I didn't want to deny it anymore.  What was the point? 

Murphy's Law (of course) came into effect as the doorbell rang, putting an end to whatever had begun, or was about to happen--I don't know what that was, because the bell rang again, and I jumped up like I was on fire.  Somehow, I knew who had interrupted my plans at nine-thirty on a Wednesday night.  I straightened myself up, and went to answer the door.

I can't imagine what I would have done if it was someone else at the door--might have called T quickly, and hid in a closet somewhere.  But P was indeed at the door.  I fully expected him to hand me divorce papers, but instead he wanted me to come next door to talk.




I followed him next door, and we sat at our kitchen table to discuss what remained of our marriage.  P said, to my surprise, that he had decided to keep the family intact--for Derek's sake.  

There were conditions, however:  

1)  He does not want me to tell anyone about the affair (not family, friends or anyone else), because he did not want Derek to find out. He wants to protect Derek, and I can't argue with that.

2) We will live in the same house together, but not be together as a couple.  He will never forget or forgive me, and does not want to go to marriage counseling.  We'll be roommates, not lovers.

3)  I can never see T again.  It's a deal breaker.

It did not take me long to agree to the terms.  This was what I wanted, wasn't it?   I should be happy.  Derek will have his parents together, and the family unit will survive. Hopefully, it will not eat itself from the inside like a cancer.

So, this was my future.  I had consented to a loveless marriage, and after Thursday morning, I would never see the man I love again.  

I just had to go back and tell T about the "good news"--on a Wednesday...

continued...IT'S REALLY OVER


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