EXPOSED! THE END IS HERE

I guess that the title tells you what happened.  My life has been turned upside down.  

As planned,  I spent the day with T yesterday.  We were in the kitchen after eating lunch, and I was still dressed in the red nightgown that he bought for me.  I was a little behind in my schedule, lazy and content.  We were laughing about something.  T had just finished telling me to get moving, because it was around two o'clock, and Derek usually comes home around three.  I smiled, flirted and kissed him instead.  I did not want to go.

Suddenly there was a knock on the sliding glass door.  When I turned, I saw P's shocked face staring back at me.  Apparently, he came home early from work.  I don't know how he ended up finding me there, maybe he suspected something--I don't know.  He did not charge in the door, or yell.  He just turned and left.  I think that the former would have been better.

I scrambled into the bedroom to find my clothing.  As I fumbled around to get dressed, T offered to go with me.  I said no.  I had to face the music alone.  I didn't even think about what was happening.  I just wanted to talk to P to stop him from doing anything.  I don't know what I thought I was going to do.  By the time I walked into my house, I could not find P right away, and was shaking.  I called out his name, but there was no reply.  Finally, I found him head in hands sitting on the master bed.

P asked me how long it was going on, and I told him.  He asked me why I did it, and I couldn't answer.  There were plenty of reasons why I turned to T, but at the time I could not think of one of them.  I didn't defend myself while P called me every name in the book--feeling too guilty and worthless to put up a good fight.

Then he told me to pack up and leave.  I was speechless.  Suddenly, I was begging to stay.  All I could think about was Derek.  What would happened when he got off the bus at three?  Who was going to feed him, help him with his homework and put him to bed?  Who was going to wake him and the morning, feed him breakfast, give him a hug and send him to school?  Who was going to take care the house?  I reasoned with P, and pointed out these facts, knowing that he left early in the morning for work, and could not do it himself.  Time was running out, because Derek was coming home soon.

P walked out of the room, leaving me there in a praying position in the kitchen.  I sat there and lingered, waiting for his decision.  Then, as Derek's bus pulled in front of the house, P calmly said that I could stay, but once Derek was in bed for the night, he wanted me to leave.  He did not care where I went--he just didn't want to see my face.  In the morning, I was to return to wake Derek and take care of him.  P planned to leave once I arrived.  I was not able to argue it, because Derek was walking in the door at that point, and happy that his father was home early from work.  P told Derek that he came home from work early to take him to a special event, just the two of them.  Once they left the house, I was not sure if they would be back.

Thankfully, they did come back, after I cried and prayed a few hours that they would.  Derek was wide-eyed and ecstatic about his day with Dad, and voluntarily did his homework with no trouble.  I had dinner ready, but P told me that they had eaten out.  I watched my happy son, sitting there with not a care in the world, I felt like a complete monster.  How could I do this to him?

After homework was done, and Derek was washed and ready for bed, I sat with him in his room, and read him a book.  I can't remember the last time that I did that.  I was probably trying to stretch out the time, I guess.  I knew that P would not change his mind, and that I would have to leave, and I was right.  At that point, there was really only one place I could go.  I turned to T.

T reached out to console me when I walked in the door, but I turned away from him.   I couldn't do it.  He did not know what to do.  This was new ground.  I really didn't tell him much of anything last night, except for the fact that I needed a place to stay, and why.  I didn't tell him all the vitriolic things that P said, because he would have said that P was wrong to treat me that way.  I did not want him to defend me.

Although I slept at T's house last night, the affair is over.  I'm staying in the guest room.  We both know what would happen if we were caught.  I have told him from the beginning that if it came down to a choice between him and Derek, I would pick Derek.  I will pick Derek's happiness over my own--even if it means leaving behind someone I truly love to try to fix a marriage that no longer makes me happy.   As far as I am concerned, it's a fair trade. 

The living arrangement with T will be awkward, since yesterday morning he was my lover and now he is not.  It's weird for both of us, but I have nowhere else to go, and have another choice.  Besides, while I am next door, I can be there for Derek at a moment's notice,  pretending that I never left.  T told me that I could stay as long as I wanted, or forever.  But that's just a dream, isn't it? It's a dream that I must forget.

So, here I am, in the house where we raised Derek, trying to keep it together. I'm cleaning the house, cooking like crazy, and trying to ignore any distractions.  I've been feeling very ill lately, and I don't know what the problem is, but I have to keep going.  I have to fix Derek's family before he finds out that it's broken.

I HAD TO SNEAK IN THE HOUSE LIKE A NAUGHTY TEENAGER

There was a horrible accident last night--Terrible!  A family of five was in their van on the highway, and collided with another larger vehicle, head on.  Everyone in the vehicle died,  except for the youngest daughter who was in critical condition.  When I saw the report on the news, I thought it unbelievably tragic, but didn't think that I would be touched by it at all, since I did not know these people.  I just turned off the television, because I could no longer watch it.  It was depressing.  I prayed for the little girl left behind.

At twelve o'clock, the house was so peaceful.  Derek and Philip were in bed, the television was off, the lights were out, and you could hear a pin drop.  I was in the tub taking a long, hot bath--just relaxing and enjoying the quiet.  Then my cell phone rang.

I saw that it was T's number.  The first thing that he said was "They're all dead."

It was at that moment that I realized that he was working last night.  He had been at the scene of the accident, and I could tell by his voice that he had been traumatized.  He only wanted to talk, but I knew that he needed comfort.  I immediately dressed, sneaked out the back door, and walked right over there to do just that.

He told me about the scene at the accident, the carnage of it all, and about the badly burned little girl who mercifully died at the hospital.  He confessed that he was sick of seeing scenes like that.    It seemed to open the floodgates of his soul.  He opened up completely, telling me some secrets about himself.  I finally found out why he left the Navy, which was something I thought that he would never tell, and what happened after that, until the day that I met him.  

Afterwards, I must have fallen asleep, which was a stupid mistake.  Unfortunately,  I did not awaken until six in the morning, and obviously,  I was not where I was supposed to be.  I instantly started to shake, but thanked God it was Saturday morning.  Any morning during the week would have be nightmarish, because Philip usually rises at six each weekday.  Saturdays, he sleeps later--sometimes seven or eight or nine.  It all depends on the time of Derek's soccer game.  Today's game was at 11 am, so I really didn't know what time Philip planned to get up.  

Suddenly, I felt like I was a teenager out past curfew, but with much more serious consequences.  My mind was spinning as I dressed, and I wished that I could blink myself into the house like "Jeannie".  I was nearly frozen with fear, trying to think of believable excuses.  Did I go for an early walk?  Was I sitting in the backyard reading a book?  Either excuse was worthless, because at six o' clock this morning, it was 40 degrees and dark.
  
Finally, I had the courage to try.  I sneaked outside into T's backyard, through the fence separating our yards, and into my backyard.   The lights were still out, and that was a good sign.  I slowly opened the sliding glass door, and slid inside the house.  I made it.  Thank God!

After all that worry, I found that Derek and Philip were still asleep in their beds.  I planned on pretending that I fell asleep on the couch to explain why I never made it into the bedroom last night, but nobody asked.  Philip didn't know that I had been missing, and basically could not care less.

Now that Philip and Derek have left for the soccer game, and I am writing about last night's events, I realize that I could have been caught so easily.  Today might have been the day when everything came out--luckily it was not.  Obviously, I have to be more careful, and I can't ever do this again.

ANOTHER WOMAN WAS AT T'S HOUSE, AND I FREAKED

Call me self-conscious.  Go ahead, I deserve it.  Tell me that I'm losing my mind.  You might be right.  I used to be a perfectly sane woman.  However, I am losing control of myself more and more each day.  What is wrong with me?

This is the inside of my brain

I haven't been posting about the doubts that I have about my relationship with T.  I trust him--I do, but there's this devil on my shoulder telling me that I will never be enough for him--how could I?  How could a boring 36 year old mom who dyes her hair and has cellulite be enough for a man like T?  No matter how many times that he's told me that he loves me, I still have doubts about him because of his past with other women.  Does he see someone on the side?  Is it unfair of me to think that he might?

This morning, I was walking in the house after Derek's soccer game, since Philip had to work today.  I turned towards T's house, and saw something that I have been dreading since this whole affair with T started.  I saw another woman there.  They were right outside, for everyone to see, including me.  The suspicion rolled in.  I knew that I wasn't enough.  I knew it!

I caught his eye, gave him a look of distress, turned, then quickly walked inside before he could say anything.  I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me break down.  Once I was inside, I excused myself and ran into the bathroom.  Let out the tears that seemed to flow uncontrollably.  I never expected him to be a one woman man, even though he told me that he was not seeing anyone else.  This was obvious proof that he had lied to me, and I questioned everything that he had said.  How could he do this to me after all that I have risked?

I heard the doorbell ring, tried to dry my eyes as best as I could.  Tried to paste on a smile for whoever it was at the door.  When I opened the door, I saw T's face right in front of me.  He had the woman with him, and wanted to introduce her.  I thought that he had some frigging nerve, gave him a dirty look and wanted to close the door in his stupid face.

The woman was his sister, Diana.  Oops!  He knew what I was thinking, and practically dragged her over to my house to let me know who she was.  The two of them visited Frank together today--something that I suggested that he do.  You should have seen the hurt look on his face.  Now he knows that I don't trust him, even thought he has given me no reason to doubt him.  How do you apologize with your eyes?  I tried.

Maybe I should have known better.  Two weeks ago, he stood me in front of a mirror when I was questioning why he was with me (I've done this before--it has become a habit).  I was comparing myself to the women in his past (including the nearly flawless Trudi).  He said to look at the reflection and see the only woman that he has ever loved.  That was the day that I confessed that I loved him too.  

Why can't I believe that I am enough?  Why do these doubts keep creeping in like an infestation?  Why can't I be happy with the way things are when we are together?  I guess that it is because when I'm with him, I feel that it is like a wonderful dream that I will eventually wake up from, returning to my former life--neglected, unhappy, and bored.

Then there's also the nightmare that we will be exposed, and then the dream will end for good.  It is inevitable.  This affair cannot go on forever without some kind of exposure, and the thought of that is torturous.  My head tells me to cut my losses before we are found out, and end it on my terms--with no one hurt except for me and T.  But I selfishly don't want to end it.  My heart wants to hang on as long as possible, because I am in love.

ONE CRAZY DAY, PART TWO - AN UNPLANNED PREGNANCY TEST

Well, you could have heard a pin drop after Chloe suggested that I might be pregnant.  She was happy for me, of course, knowing about my troubles in that area, but she knows nothing of my current situation.  There was no doubt about who the father would be, and that person was obviously not my husband.

uh oh

My mind started to race as she suggested that I take a pregnancy test that she so happened to have on hand (she stocks up, just in case..well good for her).  As she gleefully ran to get the test, I was trying to figure out how this could have happened.  We have been careful, and always used protection.  There was just that first time in my hallway...how late was I?  I had not been keeping track.  Well, I have not really had to keep track--until now.

I did not want to take the test, but I did.  I left the tester in the bathroom, and told Chloe to go in there and look at it.  I did not want to see the results.  It all made so much sense, considering how I've been feeling lately.  I was convinced that I was pregnant.  What else could it be?  I just waited for Chloe to confirm the hard facts.

"I'm so sorry," Chloe said when she returned.

"Oh No," I said as I put my head into my hands.  

How was I going to explain this?  Immaculate conception?  There was no way to explain it.  The affair was going to be exposed.  I wanted to collapse on the floor and cry my eyes out.

"You could always try again," she said, with a comforting hand to my shoulder.

Suddenly, I was confused, and then I realized what she meant.  She was sorry because the test was negative.  I tried not to show my true feelings, but the relief that I felt was palpable.  After all this time, I never thought that I would be relieved that I was NOT pregnant.  Oh how life has changed.

I may have dodged this bullet, but there is definitely something going on with me.  I plan on going to the doctor to find out why I've been so tired lately.  At least I know that I am not pregnant, and right now, that is good news.

ONE CRAZY DAY, PART ONE...I LOST DEREK

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.  It has been such a long and harrowing day.

It started out nice enough--a beautiful Autumn day.  It was so gorgeous, in fact that Chloe and I decided to take the boys to the apple orchard after school.   It was more crowded than I expected.  I was talking to Chloe, turned around and Derek was not there.  I calmly looked around for him, because he has a tendency to wander off a bit, but after ten minutes, I became very worried.  I still did not find him, and there was this frightening feeling in the pit of my stomach that I never would.  My palms started to sweat, I felt nauseous, and I scrambled around yelling his name.  I reached a whole new wide-eyed level of anxiety.  My boy was missing!

I must have looked like I escaped from an insane asylum, racing around...screaming and crying like a lunatic.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  The mothers that were with me helped me look, and Chloe tried to calm me down, but it was not possible.  I could not think straight.  I was in full blown panic mode.

I called T at work.  I know that some of you may wonder why I didn't call P first, but how could I possibly call P and explain that I had lost his son?  How could I explain it? Forget about the affair. I could have five affairs right in front of him, but this would have been the single most devastating blow that I could have given him.  He would have never forgiven me--ever.   Derek is the most important person in his life (and mine).

While on the phone, T tried to calm me, but there was going to be none of that.   I can only imagine how it must have sounded on the other end.  I kept crying "My baby is gone!"   I actually hung up on him so that I could throw up under an apple tree.  He called back and finally had to shout at me to stop me from freaking out.  When I asked him why he was yelling at me, he apologized, and then told me to take a deep breath and think about where Derek could be.  Was there something that he was interested in...a petting zoo, or something else that caught his eye?  That was when I thought about the bee farm.  

Derek was found by the bee farm.  I hugged him so hard, that I almost crushed the life out of his little body.

Afterwards, I stopped at Chloe's house, and she was very concerned about my behavior at the orchard.  She wanted to get to bottom of why I completely lost it.  Yes, I did lose my son, but there was something going on with me.  I was irrational, dizzy and nauseous.   

Then, the answer came to her.  

"It's so obvious that you're pregnant!" she suggested with a smile...

TO BE CONTINUED:  PART 2 - AN UNPLANNED PREGNANCY TEST

MY DOUBLE LIFE

Two weeks in, and I feel like some kind of backwards superhero. Mild mannered six days a week, but on that other day,  WATCH OUT!  Tomorrow, I'm going to put Derek on the bus, take a shower, then transform into my alter-ego to slink next door to spend the day with T.  I should have a costume.  I guess that I'll have to work on that.  Maybe something in red.  He said that he likes me in red ;).

It's not easy keeping all the balls in the air. I play the role of the perfect wife like nothing has changed, and I'm good at it.  I bake the cookies, and clean the house, drive Derek to boys scouts and soccer.  Everything is the same as it was, but is also very different.  I feel confident, attractive and desirable for the first time in my life, and it is because of T.  With him, I can do no wrong, and I love him for that.

I do see him during the week, but as his next door neighbor.  I'll wave to him when Derek or P is around--can't ignore him, or it would be too suspicious. Even when he offered to help me in with the groceries, with Derek standing right there, I could not say no (not that I wanted to, because I had this sudden need to smell his cologne).  I have to keep this charade going, but it's awfully hard to make casual conversation with someone, when all you want to do is jump his bones. 

I cannot even mention his name to my friends all, for fear that I might expose my hidden feelings of desire for him.  Forget about telling them about the affair.  Both of them are in happy marriages and totally in love, living the so-called "perfect life".  They would not understand how I have looked for affection outside of my home, and of course there is this fear that Roberta will find out and spread the news around the world.  I am alone with this one, but for now, I am okay with that.  I'm a Superwoman!

A DAY WITH AN AWKWARD BEGINNING TURNED OUT WONDERFUL

On my other blog, I told you about a plane ride that P set up for Derek.  I was not very happy, to say the least:  Derek is Going on a Plane Ride .  Well, Derek made it home safe, and everything was hunky-dory when all three of them walked into the house afterwards.  Yes, that's right, I said ALL THREE.  Talk about awkward.

Let's backtrack.  It was a beautiful day, so after a couple of hours of biting all my nails off, I decided to try to get my mind off plane crashes.  Yoga in the backyard was a good idea for that, so I went in the back yard with my MP3 player.  Listen to music and relax, right?  

I can do all these positions--Not!

I was struggling with the downward facing dog position (what other one would it be when this happened?), twisted up and sweating my ass off--as usual.  I looked up, and suddenly T was there with a huge smile on his face.  Stunned, I fell over.

As he helped me up, my heart was racing.  I was in full blown panic.  Where was P?  Could he see us?  Never mind that we were only talking at this point.  I asked T firmly what he was doing there (as firm as a whisper could get), and he told me that P asked him over for lunch to thank him for the plane ride.  Then I asked him "Why did you accept?", and he said "What was I supposed to do?".  Then he said something about how great I looked in my workout outfit, and suddenly I was blushing like a teenager.  I'm a sucker for a good compliment.

Next thing I know, P called my name with a little aggravation in his voice.  Panic again, but I  knew that I was far enough away from T not to cause any suspicion.  Did he hear what T said?  No.  He was wondering where the gift was.  "What gift?" I asked.  Now, P was frustrated.  "Didn't you get the gift for the party at the mall that Derek is going to today?"  Oops!  I had forgotten all about it.

I apologized, as P pissed and moaned that now he had to go out of his way to get a gift, and would have to leave earlier than expected.  By the way, the store is in the same mall as the place where the party is--just saying.  He barked for Derek (who I had not even seen yet) and told him that I screwed up, essentially, blah blah blah blah blah.  "Where has your head been lately?" P asked.  I didn't have an answer to give him, and just shrugged my shoulders.  Although I do know where it has been.  It was worried since yesterday, and the rest of the week, it's been in the clouds.

So, Philip apologized to T, directed me to make T lunch, and then walked off in a huff with Derek close behind.  Luckily, I was able to say goodbye to the son that I didn't have a chance to say hello to ("I'm glad you're alive, son").  When they were gone, it was just me and T.

I was relieved that he did not bad mouth P, or scold me for failing to defend myself.  I was too mortified to rehash what had just happened,  He just asked me one question.

"Where has your head been, Peach?" he asked with a smirk.

T, You know damn well where it has been. It has been next door--with you.

Later, while in my sanctuary, I told T that I loved him.  I don't know why it took me so long to confess it, because I've felt this way for a long time.  He said that it was the best news that he's ever heard.

VICTORIA'S DIARY: SOCCER MOM OF A SHADOW CHASER

VICTORIA'S DIARY: SOCCER MOM OF A SHADOW CHASER: 

Today was opening day of the soccer season. Our little "not so natural", Derek, was back on the field chasing butterflies and his shadow...

I NEED A LOVER THAT WILL DRIVE ME CRAZY

Now I have one--but it's in a good way.


On my other blog, "Victoria's Diary", I talked about a "meeting" that I had that I did not want to miss, but I did not go into detail for obvious reasons:   Back to school .  

If you read this blog, you know what that meeting was all about.  Now I am home, and in the midst of cooking the lasagna that I made yesterday.  I find myself drifting in and out of a daydream.  I'm relaxed and lazy, and I wish I was still there.  Unfortunately, I have to wait until next Wednesday, but I can't get this smile off of my face.

This morning when I arrived, T was relieved to see me.  He told me that he was not sure that I would meet him, and wouldn't believe it until I walked through the door.  I said that I no longer have doubts about the connection between us.  I spent the day with him.  It was a wonderful day, but I will not give details.  I want to save that memory for myself.

SOS!! I CAN'T FUNCTION. I'VE GOT TO STOP THINKING...PERIOD!!!

I can't seem to think about anything other than wondering where the hell he went.  He has been gone since Saturday, and there has been no sign of him.   I know that I should not think of him at all, but I can't help it.  I want to talk to him, but then again, I'm afraid to be near him.

The event on Saturday and it's aftermath has taken over my mind.  I find myself drifting in and out of reality and fantasy.   I'm fantasizing about what happened, and afraid that I will be exposed.  I wonder if that is how Diana Adams felt when she started her affair.  Did she feel guilty?  Did she fantasize about her lover while she felt the guilt?  These are questions that I would love to ask her, but the risk of my own exposure is too great.  I wish that I could talk to someone about the turmoil in my head.

About that fear of being found out--it is paralyzing.  I can see Roberta now, spreading the news like the Black Plague, making sure that everyone on the known Earth would know about my fall from grace.  I remember how she cackled about Diana Adams' affair with her young landscaper.  It was an affair that, once exposed, ruined Diana's marriage and sent her to divorce court.  I never thought that I could fall in the same way, but I did.  I want to get it out of my head, but I can't.

 P noticed that my mind was somewhere else, as the pasta boiled over and made a mess.  I was looking out the window, lost in my daydreams, and dinner was all over the floor!   He asked me what was wrong with me, and was more concerned about boiling puddles of water on the tiles.  I didn't have an answer.  There is not enough time in the day to explain what is wrong with me.

I should be preparing Derek for school on Wednesday--buying school supplies and whatnot.  I should be organized and ready, but my head is in the clouds.   I can't eat because I'm nauseous.  I can't sleep because whenever I close my eyes, I see T's face.  I can't function!


I'm a mess!  

I HAVE A FREE DAY COMING UP!

P is taking Derek out early tomorrow, and returning in the late afternoon. That means that it will be a free day for mom!  I don't have many of those, especially in the summer, so I am truly looking forward to it.

I really don't know what I'm going to do.  I really do want to relax, but first I was thinking of doing a little walk in the park after yoga  in the morning.  Maybe I'll ride my bike.  Then later, I'll sit in the backyard with a glass of lemonade and read a book.  It will be quiet enough to do that.  


One thing that I will definitely not do is house work.  Tomorrow, I'm going to be lazy, and think only of myself--for once.   No worries, no problems--all relaxation.  Can't wait.

MY MOTHER'S DAY GIFT WILL BE...

A PHILLIE'S GAME.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

I think that I have already stated how devoted a Phillie's fan Philip is.  The man is in front of the television set for every pre-game, and then game, and then post-game.  Our lives revolve around the Phillies during baseball season (and the Eagles during football season).  I have accepted it.  I don't like it, but I have accepted it.

But, Mother's Day?  We are traveling to Philadelphia on Mother's Day?  Why can't we just go to the movies, or dinner, or something else that is MY choice?  Why can't we go to a freaking Phillie's game on Father's Day, when it is his choice?  Oh no, Father's Day is the day when he gets the royal treatment.  He wouldn't pass that up.  Where's my royal treatment?

Of course, Derek is really excited about going to the game, so add in the Mother's guilt.  If I tell them that I don't want to go to the freaking game, then Derek will be disappointed.  I don't want to disappoint him, so I will keep my mouth shut.  So, I will be the one disappointed...again, for the sake of my family.

I REALLY WANT TO SCREAM RIGHT NOW!