ONE CRAZY DAY, PART TWO - AN UNPLANNED PREGNANCY TEST

Well, you could have heard a pin drop after Chloe suggested that I might be pregnant.  She was happy for me, of course, knowing about my troubles in that area, but she knows nothing of my current situation.  There was no doubt about who the father would be, and that person was obviously not my husband.

uh oh

My mind started to race as she suggested that I take a pregnancy test that she so happened to have on hand (she stocks up, just in case..well good for her).  As she gleefully ran to get the test, I was trying to figure out how this could have happened.  We have been careful, and always used protection.  There was just that first time in my hallway...how late was I?  I had not been keeping track.  Well, I have not really had to keep track--until now.

I did not want to take the test, but I did.  I left the tester in the bathroom, and told Chloe to go in there and look at it.  I did not want to see the results.  It all made so much sense, considering how I've been feeling lately.  I was convinced that I was pregnant.  What else could it be?  I just waited for Chloe to confirm the hard facts.

"I'm so sorry," Chloe said when she returned.

"Oh No," I said as I put my head into my hands.  

How was I going to explain this?  Immaculate conception?  There was no way to explain it.  The affair was going to be exposed.  I wanted to collapse on the floor and cry my eyes out.

"You could always try again," she said, with a comforting hand to my shoulder.

Suddenly, I was confused, and then I realized what she meant.  She was sorry because the test was negative.  I tried not to show my true feelings, but the relief that I felt was palpable.  After all this time, I never thought that I would be relieved that I was NOT pregnant.  Oh how life has changed.

I may have dodged this bullet, but there is definitely something going on with me.  I plan on going to the doctor to find out why I've been so tired lately.  At least I know that I am not pregnant, and right now, that is good news.

ONE CRAZY DAY, PART ONE...I LOST DEREK

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.  It has been such a long and harrowing day.

It started out nice enough--a beautiful Autumn day.  It was so gorgeous, in fact that Chloe and I decided to take the boys to the apple orchard after school.   It was more crowded than I expected.  I was talking to Chloe, turned around and Derek was not there.  I calmly looked around for him, because he has a tendency to wander off a bit, but after ten minutes, I became very worried.  I still did not find him, and there was this frightening feeling in the pit of my stomach that I never would.  My palms started to sweat, I felt nauseous, and I scrambled around yelling his name.  I reached a whole new wide-eyed level of anxiety.  My boy was missing!

I must have looked like I escaped from an insane asylum, racing around...screaming and crying like a lunatic.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  The mothers that were with me helped me look, and Chloe tried to calm me down, but it was not possible.  I could not think straight.  I was in full blown panic mode.

I called T at work.  I know that some of you may wonder why I didn't call P first, but how could I possibly call P and explain that I had lost his son?  How could I explain it? Forget about the affair. I could have five affairs right in front of him, but this would have been the single most devastating blow that I could have given him.  He would have never forgiven me--ever.   Derek is the most important person in his life (and mine).

While on the phone, T tried to calm me, but there was going to be none of that.   I can only imagine how it must have sounded on the other end.  I kept crying "My baby is gone!"   I actually hung up on him so that I could throw up under an apple tree.  He called back and finally had to shout at me to stop me from freaking out.  When I asked him why he was yelling at me, he apologized, and then told me to take a deep breath and think about where Derek could be.  Was there something that he was interested in...a petting zoo, or something else that caught his eye?  That was when I thought about the bee farm.  

Derek was found by the bee farm.  I hugged him so hard, that I almost crushed the life out of his little body.

Afterwards, I stopped at Chloe's house, and she was very concerned about my behavior at the orchard.  She wanted to get to bottom of why I completely lost it.  Yes, I did lose my son, but there was something going on with me.  I was irrational, dizzy and nauseous.   

Then, the answer came to her.  

"It's so obvious that you're pregnant!" she suggested with a smile...

TO BE CONTINUED:  PART 2 - AN UNPLANNED PREGNANCY TEST

THE SECRET INNER TORTURED LIFE OF A LIAR

I am a liar and a cheat.  There, I've admitted it.  Okay?  Thank you for reminding me.  You got me.  Thank you for your messages.  Now, it is time for me to respond.

Why do I admit this?  Well, it's true--first of all.  I never thought that I'd do anything like this after being married for ten years.  I thought that I would remain a faithful wife and mother for the rest of my life.  Maybe if I was a happily married woman, none of this would have happened.  But I'm not, and it did.  Things change.

For your information, this is not a "typical lonely desperate housewife" situation.  I'm not sleeping with the pool boy just to satisfy my needs.  T and I were friends first, and then the relationship changed.  It is not just sexual.  We were best friends before the affair even started.  Now, I believe that he is the love of my life.

I am well aware of what this could do to my family unit, and I do care about what could happen.  I think about the consequences constantly--more than you can possibly know.  I know that this can't last forever, and what I will do if the affair is exposed.  I will choose what is best for my son.  I will sacrifice my happiness for his.  Does that make you happy?

I know about T's past.  I believe in my heart that he is not "playing me".   I believe that he loves me and that I am not another conquest for his so-called checklist.  I could be wrong, but he could have a lover will a lot less trouble somewhere else.  Someone, for instance, who is not married.

Do you think that this is easy?  I'm here to tell you that it is not.  I have become paranoid, thinking that I will be exposed at any minute.  T and I can't go anywhere together, and I avoid him most of the time.  I see him less than I used to before the affair started, because I am afraid of people finding out about us.  I cannot show public affection to the man I love.  Do you know how hard that is?  

I wish that things were different.  Maybe if I met T eleven years ago, I would not be in this situation.  But eleven years ago, T was a different man, and I probably would not have fallen in love with him.  More importantly, if I had not met and married P,  I would not have Derek, and he is truly one person that I could not live without.  So here I am, stuck between two worlds.

It is not easy living a double life.  I don't like keeping secrets and lying to those I love, but I have no choice.  I have to grab happiness while I can.

CAN'T EAT, BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I LOST 5 POUNDS

I'm down 23 lbs since I started.  I should be happy, right? I guess this "feeling sick", "can't eat", "lack of sleep" and "worrying" stuff is paying off.  Hooray,  I should patent this diet.

I'm also cleaning the house like a mad woman.  It started on Saturday (wonder why).  I've washed floors, cleaned out and washed the refrigerator, scrubbed the bathroom high and low.  I guess that it's Penance for what I have done, but a immaculate household cannot wash away my mistake.  The memories remain.

Another problem is that Chloe's having a Labor Day barbecue at her house this weekend. She invited all her neighbors, family and friends.  I would rather stay home and avoid seeing anybody, like I have all week.   I'm afraid that they will see the guilt in my eyes.  I don't want to face them,  however, I will have to go because Derek is looking forward to it, and I don't want to let him down.  Plus, Chloe is my best female friend, and I don't want to let her down either.  I just have to put on my happy face and act like I am not dying inside.

I guess that I don't have to worry about T being there.  I'm sure that Chloe invited him, although he is still MIA.  Will he ever come back?