Wednesday, September 30, 2015


My Wednesday was nearly ruined today, thanks to Claudia Perkins.

She re-scheduled a PTA meeting for today.   Now, it was originally scheduled for tomorrow morning, but since she could not make it (and she's the queen bee), everyone else had to adjust their schedule.  I didn't find out until this morning.  

Needless to say, I was furious, since I was just about to leave to see T when I got the call.  I told him that I needed to go to the meeting, and that I would see him around lunchtime.  I should have skipped the meeting altogether (for sanity's sake, and my own well being), because it was a complete waste of time.  It always is a huge waste of time whenever I am there.

While driving in the rain on the way home--of course, I passed a Burger King, and suddenly I was craving a Whopper.  I don't know where it came from--kind of hit me like a brick, because I usually avoid that place like the plague.  But, there I was, in the parking lot, shoveling the entire sandwich down my throat like I had not eaten in two weeks.  I just had to have it.

Once I was finally home, it was about Noon.  I walked in the house, brushed my teeth and looked at my appearance in the mirror (didn't want any ketchup in the corner of my mouth).  Then I walked out the back door, through the wooden gate and to T's house.  As soon as I saw him, I started to feel sick to my stomach, so I ran into the bathroom to lose my newly eaten lunch.  How romantic am I?

After emerging from the bathroom, T could see the frustration all over my face.  He asked what was wrong and I vented everything:  How the meeting was switched to a Wednesday, the fact that no-one ever listens to my ideas, and how I feel unappreciated by everyone, the fact that I had to leave at two and that there was no time for anything...I cursed and bitched, ranted and paced.  He listened to everything, and actually looked like he was interested in what I had to say.  

I really do love that guy.

my favorite

Then, I noticed something behind him.  There were two wrapped boxes on the dining room table. I asked him what was the occasion, and he said that there was no special occasion, but he was just thinking of me.  Behind the boxes was a bouquet of purple flowers (irises, which are my absolute favorite).  

I opened the smaller box to see a beautiful beaded anklet with a silver charm attached with the shape of a peach.  He said that it was a gift for me, and that when I wear it, I should think of him.  The second and larger box contained a red satin nightgown to replace the one that was ruined.  He said that it was a gift for him.  I assume that he will think of me when I wear it.

I asked T how he knew that irises were my favorite, and he said that I told him about it back in July.  I was stunned, because I don't even remember telling him that.  P always made a habit of giving me flowers for occasions, but never gave me irises.   The first bouquet of flowers from T?  Irises.  Somebody really pays attention to what I say.  It is such a pleasure to know that.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015


Well, you could have heard a pin drop after Chloe suggested that I might be pregnant.  She was happy for me, of course, knowing about my troubles in that area, but she knows nothing of my current situation.  There was no doubt about who the father would be, and that person was obviously not my husband.

uh oh

My mind started to race as she suggested that I take a pregnancy test that she so happened to have on hand (she stocks up, just in case..well good for her).  As she gleefully ran to get the test, I was trying to figure out how this could have happened.  We have been careful, and always used protection.  There was just that first time in my late was I?  I had not been keeping track.  Well, I have not really had to keep track--until now.

I did not want to take the test, but I did.  I left the tester in the bathroom, and told Chloe to go in there and look at it.  I did not want to see the results.  It all made so much sense, considering how I've been feeling lately.  I was convinced that I was pregnant.  What else could it be?  I just waited for Chloe to confirm the hard facts.

"I'm so sorry," Chloe said when she returned.

"Oh No," I said as I put my head into my hands.  

How was I going to explain this?  Immaculate conception?  There was no way to explain it.  The affair was going to be exposed.  I wanted to collapse on the floor and cry my eyes out.

"You could always try again," she said, with a comforting hand to my shoulder.

Suddenly, I was confused, and then I realized what she meant.  She was sorry because the test was negative.  I tried not to show my true feelings, but the relief that I felt was palpable.  After all this time, I never thought that I would be relieved that I was NOT pregnant.  Oh how life has changed.

I may have dodged this bullet, but there is definitely something going on with me.  I plan on going to the doctor to find out why I've been so tired lately.  At least I know that I am not pregnant, and right now, that is good news.

Monday, September 28, 2015


I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.  It has been such a long and harrowing day.

It started out nice enough--a beautiful Autumn day.  It was so gorgeous, in fact that Chloe and I decided to take the boys to the apple orchard after school.   It was more crowded than I expected.  I was talking to Chloe, turned around and Derek was not there.  I calmly looked around for him, because he has a tendency to wander off a bit, but after ten minutes, I became very worried.  I still did not find him, and there was this frightening feeling in the pit of my stomach that I never would.  My palms started to sweat, I felt nauseous, and I scrambled around yelling his name.  I reached a whole new wide-eyed level of anxiety.  My boy was missing!

I must have looked like I escaped from an insane asylum, racing around...screaming and crying like a lunatic.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  The mothers that were with me helped me look, and Chloe tried to calm me down, but it was not possible.  I could not think straight.  I was in full blown panic mode.

I called T at work.  I know that some of you may wonder why I didn't call P first, but how could I possibly call P and explain that I had lost his son?  How could I explain it? Forget about the affair. I could have five affairs right in front of him, but this would have been the single most devastating blow that I could have given him.  He would have never forgiven me--ever.   Derek is the most important person in his life (and mine).

While on the phone, T tried to calm me, but there was going to be none of that.   I can only imagine how it must have sounded on the other end.  I kept crying "My baby is gone!"   I actually hung up on him so that I could throw up under an apple tree.  He called back and finally had to shout at me to stop me from freaking out.  When I asked him why he was yelling at me, he apologized, and then told me to take a deep breath and think about where Derek could be.  Was there something that he was interested in...a petting zoo, or something else that caught his eye?  That was when I thought about the bee farm.  

Derek was found by the bee farm.  I hugged him so hard, that I almost crushed the life out of his little body.

Afterwards, I stopped at Chloe's house, and she was very concerned about my behavior at the orchard.  She wanted to get to bottom of why I completely lost it.  Yes, I did lose my son, but there was something going on with me.  I was irrational, dizzy and nauseous.   

Then, the answer came to her.  

"It's so obvious that you're pregnant!" she suggested with a smile...


Sunday, September 27, 2015


Lets start at the very beginning...That's a very good place to start (Isn't that from a movie that I watched as a child?)

On Friday  night, I met Chloe and Theresa at the mall, planning to go to the gym (yes, that's right--the gym).  At first, I was mad, because P came home late from work and I missed the ride, so I had to drive all the way over there by myself.  Don't like doing that, but turned out to be not so bad after all.  Could have been better, though.  I will explain.

I walked into the mall, and passed by store called Sensuous Things.  Now in the past, I had always looked in the window of this store, but I never actually went in there.  Since I was late anyway, I actually went inside.  I tried on a few things, and ended up buying a white satin nightgown, and sexy lingerie set.  When I walked into the gym, Chloe saw the bag right away (regular customer).  She thought that it was because P has been a good boy lately, but we all know who the good boy is, don't we?

We all took a Zumba dance class at 7:30 that wiped me out.  The woman was a lunatic!  Everything hurt by the end of it (even my eyelids).   I was quite dehydrated after sucking down all of my water, so as Chloe and Theresa reserved a treadmill for me (yes, they still wanted to do the treadmill), I went to the front desk where I could stock up like a camel.  I actually considered leaving altogether, but I didn't.  On the way back, guess who I ran into?  

This is not my favorite thing to do

I was surprised to see T there, and did not know how to react.  I asked a stupid question, like, "What are you doing here today?".  Then, he smiled, and teased that he needed to keep his body tight for his girlfriend (that would be me).  Before we could get into any kind of deep conversation, I noticed that Theresa was on her way over.  Quickly, I pushed him away like he had some kind of contagious disease  (well, he does.  It's called animal magnetism.  There is no cure).  Long story short, Theresa was polite enough to invite T out for a drink with us after the workout.   T ignored the panic in my eyes and said yes.  Uh oh!

The restaurant was interesting.  Chloe and Theresa had the bright idea of sitting together, so that I had to sit next to T, and be nice.  If you remember, the last time that we were all together at this same restaurant, I ended up throwing a drink in his face.  So, my friends still think that I can't stand him (even though they know that he had come to my aid several times), and I like to keep it that way.  As soon as he sat down next to me, however, his hands started to wander under the table.  

It's hard enough to be in the same room with him when other people are there, but this was ridiculous!  Being that close to him (and feeling his body next to mine as he felt up my leg) was torturous.  Oh, he was having a grand old time as I nervously blushed and knocked my nearly empty (one-drink minimum) glass of sangria over.  I wanted to kill him!  Chloe asked me if I was alright, and I came up with some lame excuse to why my face was completely scarlet red.  I can't even remember what I said, but it seemed to work--I hope.

Once Chloe and Theresa finally went to the Ladies Room, I scolded him, but it had no effect.  He flirted with me, and tried to talk me into having a rendezvous after the restaurant.  I couldn't say no--didn't want to--really--at all.  He knew where to go, and once we all left the restaurant, and Chloe and Theresa left the parking lot, I jumped into his SUV for our little excursion.

However, things did not turn out as planned.  At around ten o'clock on a low-traffic road on the way to the rendezvous, we noticed a car that had driven off the road into the woods and hit a large tree.  As T left the truck to check it out, I called 911.  When he returned, he informed my that inside the damaged car was a teen-aged driver who had been drinking,  was still alive, but was bleeding.  T scoured his own truck for something that he could use to help stop the bleeding, and I handed him my new satin nightgown. 

Our night may have interrupted out rendezvous, but the kid survived.  That was the important thing.  Thank God for that.  It also reminded me of what kind of man I am dealing with.  Thank God for that, too.

So, as P read the Sunday paper this morning, there was an article about how T heroically saved the young man's life.  The article mentioned that there was also an unidentified companion who aided him in the rescue, calling 911.  That was me.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015


Two weeks in, and I feel like some kind of backwards superhero. Mild mannered six days a week, but on that other day,  WATCH OUT!  Tomorrow, I'm going to put Derek on the bus, take a shower, then transform into my alter-ego to slink next door to spend the day with T.  I should have a costume.  I guess that I'll have to work on that.  Maybe something in red.  He said that he likes me in red ;).

It's not easy keeping all the balls in the air. I play the role of the perfect wife like nothing has changed, and I'm good at it.  I bake the cookies, and clean the house, drive Derek to boys scouts and soccer.  Everything is the same as it was, but is also very different.  I feel confident, attractive and desirable for the first time in my life, and it is because of T.  With him, I can do no wrong, and I love him for that.

I do see him during the week, but as his next door neighbor.  I'll wave to him when Derek or P is around--can't ignore him, or it would be too suspicious. Even when he offered to help me in with the groceries, with Derek standing right there, I could not say no (not that I wanted to, because I had this sudden need to smell his cologne).  I have to keep this charade going, but it's awfully hard to make casual conversation with someone, when all you want to do is jump his bones. 

I cannot even mention his name to my friends all, for fear that I might expose my hidden feelings of desire for him.  Forget about telling them about the affair.  Both of them are in happy marriages and totally in love, living the so-called "perfect life".  They would not understand how I have looked for affection outside of my home, and of course there is this fear that Roberta will find out and spread the news around the world.  I am alone with this one, but for now, I am okay with that.  I'm a Superwoman!

Saturday, September 19, 2015


On my other blog, I told you about a plane ride that P set up for Derek.  I was not very happy, to say the least:  Derek is Going on a Plane Ride .  Well, Derek made it home safe, and everything was hunky-dory when all three of them walked into the house afterwards.  Yes, that's right, I said ALL THREE.  Talk about awkward.

Let's backtrack.  It was a beautiful day, so after a couple of hours of biting all my nails off, I decided to try to get my mind off plane crashes.  Yoga in the backyard was a good idea for that, so I went in the back yard with my MP3 player.  Listen to music and relax, right?  

I can do all these positions--Not!

I was struggling with the downward facing dog position (what other one would it be when this happened?), twisted up and sweating my ass off--as usual.  I looked up, and suddenly T was there with a huge smile on his face.  Stunned, I fell over.

As he helped me up, my heart was racing.  I was in full blown panic.  Where was P?  Could he see us?  Never mind that we were only talking at this point.  I asked T firmly what he was doing there (as firm as a whisper could get), and he told me that P asked him over for lunch to thank him for the plane ride.  Then I asked him "Why did you accept?", and he said "What was I supposed to do?".  Then he said something about how great I looked in my workout outfit, and suddenly I was blushing like a teenager.  I'm a sucker for a good compliment.

Next thing I know, P called my name with a little aggravation in his voice.  Panic again, but I  knew that I was far enough away from T not to cause any suspicion.  Did he hear what T said?  No.  He was wondering where the gift was.  "What gift?" I asked.  Now, P was frustrated.  "Didn't you get the gift for the party at the mall that Derek is going to today?"  Oops!  I had forgotten all about it.

I apologized, as P pissed and moaned that now he had to go out of his way to get a gift, and would have to leave earlier than expected.  By the way, the store is in the same mall as the place where the party is--just saying.  He barked for Derek (who I had not even seen yet) and told him that I screwed up, essentially, blah blah blah blah blah.  "Where has your head been lately?" P asked.  I didn't have an answer to give him, and just shrugged my shoulders.  Although I do know where it has been.  It was worried since yesterday, and the rest of the week, it's been in the clouds.

So, Philip apologized to T, directed me to make T lunch, and then walked off in a huff with Derek close behind.  Luckily, I was able to say goodbye to the son that I didn't have a chance to say hello to ("I'm glad you're alive, son").  When they were gone, it was just me and T.

I was relieved that he did not bad mouth P, or scold me for failing to defend myself.  I was too mortified to rehash what had just happened,  He just asked me one question.

"Where has your head been, Peach?" he asked with a smirk.

T, You know damn well where it has been. It has been next door--with you.

Later, while in my sanctuary, I told T that I loved him.  I don't know why it took me so long to confess it, because I've felt this way for a long time.  He said that it was the best news that he's ever heard.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015


I know of two different songs with that title.  One's from the movie Cinderella, and the other,  from Van Halen.  Actually the Cinderella version kind of sums up how I feel.  Well, maybe it's a combination of the two.  I don't think I've ever really been in love before, until now.  Now I know how it feels.  I know that whoever reads this is probably sick of the goopy love-sick posts, but I can't help myself.  I love Mark.  That's right, I said his real name.  I wish that I could shout it from the rooftops.

If you have read my other blog Victoria's Diary, you know that at first, I didn't like him at all.  I thought that he was the neighbor from hell and I felt uncomfortable around him.  I've come to realize that it is because I was attracted to him from the start, didn't want to admit it, and was fighting it all the way.  Now, after spending another day in his arms, I can't imagine life without him.  He makes me happy.  I wish that I could spend more time with him, but first I have to figure things out.  I do know one thing, though--once a week is not enough.

This morning, he was asleep when I walked through the back door.  I knew that he would be, because he's been working the late shift all week, and did not get home until around three.  He told me to wake him up when I arrived, but I couldn't.  He was peacefully sleeping and I didn't want to wake him.  So, I just crawled in next to him.  Eventually, he woke me up.  We skipped breakfast altogether.  Later, he made me lunch.  It was nice to have someone cook for me, for a change.

You know what song has been in my head?  "I Love How You Love Me" from the 60's.   Can't get it out. Funny thing. Maybe I should just go to bed.  I'm incredibly tired.

Sunday, September 13, 2015


I am a liar and a cheat.  There, I've admitted it.  Okay?  Thank you for reminding me.  You got me.  Thank you for your messages.  Now, it is time for me to respond.

Why do I admit this?  Well, it's true--first of all.  I never thought that I'd do anything like this after being married for ten years.  I thought that I would remain a faithful wife and mother for the rest of my life.  Maybe if I was a happily married woman, none of this would have happened.  But I'm not, and it did.  Things change.

For your information, this is not a "typical lonely desperate housewife" situation.  I'm not sleeping with the pool boy just to satisfy my needs.  T and I were friends first, and then the relationship changed.  It is not just sexual.  We were best friends before the affair even started.  Now, I believe that he is the love of my life.

I am well aware of what this could do to my family unit, and I do care about what could happen.  I think about the consequences constantly--more than you can possibly know.  I know that this can't last forever, and what I will do if the affair is exposed.  I will choose what is best for my son.  I will sacrifice my happiness for his.  Does that make you happy?

I know about T's past.  I believe in my heart that he is not "playing me".   I believe that he loves me and that I am not another conquest for his so-called checklist.  I could be wrong, but he could have a lover will a lot less trouble somewhere else.  Someone, for instance, who is not married.

Do you think that this is easy?  I'm here to tell you that it is not.  I have become paranoid, thinking that I will be exposed at any minute.  T and I can't go anywhere together, and I avoid him most of the time.  I see him less than I used to before the affair started, because I am afraid of people finding out about us.  I cannot show public affection to the man I love.  Do you know how hard that is?  

I wish that things were different.  Maybe if I met T eleven years ago, I would not be in this situation.  But eleven years ago, T was a different man, and I probably would not have fallen in love with him.  More importantly, if I had not met and married P,  I would not have Derek, and he is truly one person that I could not live without.  So here I am, stuck between two worlds.

It is not easy living a double life.  I don't like keeping secrets and lying to those I love, but I have no choice.  I have to grab happiness while I can.

Saturday, September 12, 2015



Today was opening day of the soccer season. Our little "not so natural", Derek, was back on the field chasing butterflies and his shadow...

Wednesday, September 9, 2015


Now I have one--but it's in a good way.

On my other blog, "Victoria's Diary", I talked about a "meeting" that I had that I did not want to miss, but I did not go into detail for obvious reasons:   Back to school .  

If you read this blog, you know what that meeting was all about.  Now I am home, and in the midst of cooking the lasagna that I made yesterday.  I find myself drifting in and out of a daydream.  I'm relaxed and lazy, and I wish I was still there.  Unfortunately, I have to wait until next Wednesday, but I can't get this smile off of my face.

This morning when I arrived, T was relieved to see me.  He told me that he was not sure that I would meet him, and wouldn't believe it until I walked through the door.  I said that I no longer have doubts about the connection between us.  I spent the day with him.  It was a wonderful day, but I will not give details.  I want to save that memory for myself.

Saturday, September 5, 2015


T's offer to drive me home put me on the spot.  I yearned to say yes, but my conscience knew that I should say no. However, P saw it as the perfect solution to his problem because he could pass the buck and not have to leave the precious party (the man is truly clueless, but in his world, no one on this known earth would be attracted to me, especially not the playboy neighbor offering to drive me home).  After P walked me to the truck, and Derek kissed me goodbye, P said that he'd be home after the fireworks were over, and I said that I'd probably go straight to bed.

Neither of us spoke during the two block ride, but I did feel a little better physically.  Maybe it was the air conditioning in the truck, or the comfort of being away from the crowded party.  I was relaxed, somehow--maybe it was because we were alone, and I was not worried that someone would see something out of the ordinary.  By the time he pulled into his garage and opened the door for me, I had every intention of going home.  Then he said three words--I love you.

I can't explain what it felt like to hear those three simple words.  Somehow, I suspected that he loved me, but when I heard it come from his lips, I was dumbfounded.   It was mind-blowing!    I've tried so hard to deny it, thinking that I was losing my mind, or imagining things that were not there, but I have loved him for such a long time.  It's true, and such a relief to finally admit it.   When I heard his confession, I felt alive, free, and I didn't want to leave--so, I didn't.  I let go, and have no regrets.

I stayed with him until the fireworks started, promising to return on Wednesday.  We have started something, and I am happy about it.  I am not thinking about the consequences, or the risks.  For now, it is a secret.  I am "that woman" and I don't care.  I'm taking one day at a time, with room for adjustment.

For those who are worried about me, and think that I am taking the wrong path, I wish you knew what it was like to be in my shoes.  P had his chance to bring me home, and lead me away from temptation, but he did not.  He did not care.  I was just a nuisance to him, as usual.  At that critical moment, when I was ready to jump, he failed to grab my hand to pull me back.  T was more than willing to catch me, and I'm so happy that he did.

I have spent ten years trying to be the perfect wife to an indifferent man who treats me more like a child than anything else. I have never felt a mutual fondness with him.  We have just been going through the motions, together only because of Derek.  As for passion, it is not there, and probably has not been there from the start.  I have tried in the past, but he would rather sleep in the guest room/office, than to deal with me.  I am done trying.  It's time to think about myself for a change.

With T, I don't have to try.  It comes naturally.  Nobody makes me feel the way that he does.  There is no other man in this world that I would rather be with.  We have mutual love, respect and fondness.  He is my best friend, my T (my Trooper), and now my lover.  There is no turning back.


T was at Chloe's Labor Day barbecue on Saturday.  He wasn't there at first, and I was relaxed and having an adequate time--not dancing on the tables or anything.  We were there about an hour, and then I turned and there he was.  Suddenly, my whole body reacted.  I was shaking and found it hard to breathe.  A week of penance and self-loathing was down the drain.  The desire came back, full force.

He walked over to me and a few other people, and I noticed that he was tanned, rested, and unbelievably beautiful.  When we were in the presence of others, he explained that he was in Florida visiting his son.  Then when he caught a quick moment with me, he told me that I looked beautiful in the sundress, and that he could not keep his mind off what happened.  I would not admit to him that I felt the same way.  I wanted him to stop talking about it, said that it would never happen again, and begged him to get it out of his mind.  He said that it was impossible.  Don't I know it?

Roberta came over, and I was relieved at the start, because the uncomfortable conversation had to stop.  Then she started to flirt with him, rubbing his back in a sensual way, and I wanted her to go away.  She asked him to dance, and to my utter surprise (or disgust), he said yes.  I don't know if he did this to get to me. worked.  I was pissed.  I told him as much when I confronted him by the beer keg, and he wondered what I expected him to do.  He reminded me that there was someone at the party that he wanted, and it was not Roberta.  Then Roberta returned like a cancer, and was back to her old tricks.

Suddenly, I felt dizzy.  I don't know if it was the previous conversation, the heat, or the fact that Roberta could not keep her slimy hands off of T.  I wanted to sit down, and searched for a chair.  I heard T ask if I was all right, I lost my balance and he kept me steady.   The wineglass that I was holding fell onto the tile, and shattered.  After that, it seemed that the whole world stopped.  Everyone was looking at me.

I wanted to fix it, somehow.  I bent down to try to pick up shards of glass, but T stopped me, saying that he would do it.  Chloe's husband, Donald was quick to come over with a dustpan and broom to help with the clean up, and everyone was asking me if I was okay.  Then P came over, and with all the sensitivity of a drill sergeant, he asked me what the hell happened--like I did it on purpose.

I told him that I wasn't feeling well, and wanted to go home.  P wouldn't hear of it, probably thinking that I was making it up (I've done that before).  He said that he did not want to leave because Derek was having a good time, and that I should sit down and relax, and "maybe I'll feel better".  I'm sure that I heard sarcasm in his voice.  Even Roberta seemed more concerned about me than my own husband.  Story of my life.  I was even willing to walk home so that P did not have to leave the party for two seconds to drop me off.  Then T said that he was leaving anyway, and that he would drop me off.

To be continued...

Wednesday, September 2, 2015


I'm down 23 lbs since I started.  I should be happy, right? I guess this "feeling sick", "can't eat", "lack of sleep" and "worrying" stuff is paying off.  Hooray,  I should patent this diet.

I'm also cleaning the house like a mad woman.  It started on Saturday (wonder why).  I've washed floors, cleaned out and washed the refrigerator, scrubbed the bathroom high and low.  I guess that it's Penance for what I have done, but a immaculate household cannot wash away my mistake.  The memories remain.

Another problem is that Chloe's having a Labor Day barbecue at her house this weekend. She invited all her neighbors, family and friends.  I would rather stay home and avoid seeing anybody, like I have all week.   I'm afraid that they will see the guilt in my eyes.  I don't want to face them,  however, I will have to go because Derek is looking forward to it, and I don't want to let him down.  Plus, Chloe is my best female friend, and I don't want to let her down either.  I just have to put on my happy face and act like I am not dying inside.

I guess that I don't have to worry about T being there.  I'm sure that Chloe invited him, although he is still MIA.  Will he ever come back?