Thursday, June 25, 2015

TAKE THAT, YOU BIG FAT JERK

I finally showed up at the gym after Chloe's constant hints and suggestions--used that membership that had been gathering dust for the past six months, or seven.  Who's counting? We were on the treadmills and who walks in but the idiot.  Why is it that when you try to avoid something, you always see it?

I've been seeing him everywhere lately.  The grocery store, the front yard--he pulled me over once.  Did I mention that he's a state trooper?  I was really surprised when I handed him a PBA card that he signed himself.  Philip gave it to me, but never mentioned who it came from.  Talk about embarrassing. I felt like a stupid idiot. Philip shook his head, and said that he told me, but I swear that I never heard those words come out of his mouth.  I think that I would have remembered that the idiot next door was a State Trooper.



I'm getting off task here.  Anyway, back to the gym.  Theresa wanted to meet him, probably because she saw him take off his shirt like he was a Chippendale's dancer.  I agreed to do it, but then after I introduced them, I walked away because I didn't want to watch him show off his muscles and the screaming eagle tattoo on his right arm--I've seen that routine before, and I'm not impressed!  Big mistake.  He somehow invited himself to drinks at Spiders, which is the name of a restaurant in the mall where we usually hang out after the workout.  I was pissed!

But after Chloe and Theresa left the table to visit the Ladies room, I realized that a had a rare opportunity.  I was able to tell him what I really thought of him.  I did not hold back, and I think that I surprised him a bit.  I called him a thoughtless playboy and several other choice insults that seemed to flow freely from my mouth...everything that I have been thinking about and holding back since he moved in.  It was cathartic!  I feel like I've gone through therapy.     

Of course, he took his turn as well, and he wasn't very nice, so I ended up throwing an entire glass of iced tea in his face.  I really don't want to go into detail about what he said, but trust me, he deserved it.  Lets just say that it is amazing what comes out of his mouth.  I wish that I had soap.

Still think I won, though.  You should have seen the shocked look on his face!  You don't mess with Victoria Wilder!  Score one for the good guys!

Friday, June 12, 2015

MR. NEANDERTHAL SAVED ME FROM THE WEIRD GUY AT THE GROCERY STORE

My stupid neighbor, Mr. Neanderthal,  seems to be everywhere these days, and he's been screwing up my routine.  I'm all out of sorts, and it's his fault.

I guess that explanations are necessary.  I went to the grocery store, as is my usual Thursday routine.  I had a specific list for the coupons that I had clipped from Sunday's paper.  I was organized, as usual, and started in the produce aisle, when I saw the next door buffoon with one of his plastic lady friends giggling by the cantaloupes.  He had two held up against his chest and...oh, never mind.


She kinda looked like this

I tried to hide behind the apples, but he saw me, and introduced me to his brain-damaged friend  (like I could care less who he has been...with lately).   When she skipped away, I nearly laughed in his face.  What was she?  25?  She sounded like she had the brain of a mosquito.  Is this what single middle aged guys go for these days?  No brain, just body and energetic hormones?  Well, he pretty much said yes to that question.  Dumb ass.

At checkout,  I realized that I had forgotten my coupons at home, and the cloth bags in the van.  Somehow, ice cream and cookies made it into my cart, along with a Lindt bar.  Must have been my dopey neighbor.   He distracted and annoyed me.  When I am distracted and annoyed, I crave junk.  So, I decided to blame it on him.  Good plan.

I managed to make it out into the parking lot with an overflowing cart of plastic grocery bags filled with over priced items.  Doug  the "cart guy" was out there, who usually very nice about helping me load everything in my van.  Very helpful guy, and always seems to be around when I need an extra hand.  Always smiling.  He decided to scold me, pointing out that I should have used cloth bags because it was better for the environment.  Did I also mention that he could be a little annoying with all of his "tips and suggestions"?

I thanked him anyway, and waited for him to leave.  Unfortunately, he did not.  I thought that he would get the hint when I started the van.  He did not.  Instead,  he knocked on the driver's side window to get my attention. When I rolled down the window, he "helpfully" mentioned that he was "looking at my van before" and noticed that my inspection was overdue.  He was practically hanging inside the open window, which made me quite uncomfortable.  I was wondering why he had been checking out my van, and why wouldn't he get out of my face?  Suddenly he was too friendly--more like creepy.

Just when I started to consider running over Doug to make my escape, I heard a deep voice from the side of the van, behind me.  When I turned, I saw that it was the idiot next door and his brainless friend.  Guess I can't call him an idiot, since once he arrived, Doug pulled away from my window like he had gotten an electric shock, hitting his head on the way out.  He quickly said goodbye and got lost, gathering carts as he went.  Mark can be a pretty imposing figure, if you like neanderthals, and he did come in handy--for once. He's good for that, and fixing lawnmowers...I guess.  

I was grateful (and I almost said so) until he opened his mouth and started to talk, calling Doug a weirdo, and then I was compelled to defend Doug.  Why? I don't know.  I guess I just can't stomach agreeing with Mark.  I feel like I'm betraying myself, I guess.

Fast forward to when I pulled into the driveway.  "Barbie" and "Dumb Ass" were washing his truck.  Don't know how they got home that fast.  They must have pulled right up and started to play with the water.  They got water everywhere, and of course, once I got out of my van, I was sprayed.  Probably intentional.  I tried to ignore the two of them, and get into the house as soon as possible.  

Unfortunately, he saw me struggling with the ripping plastic bags and offered to help.  I said no, of course, but he didn't listen to me.  He called over plastic girl and the two of them played "good neighbor" until all the bags were in the kitchen.  Did I mention that they walked through my clean house with their sopping wet clothes?  When he started to go through my bags, noticing the cookies, ice cream and candy, he started to make comments that Derek should not eat all that crap (I never said that it was for Derek, did I?)  Nevertheless, I had just about enough, reached my daily limit of tolerance, and quickly ushered him out.

Guess I should be grateful?  Maybe...naaah!  Still can't stand him.