TALKING TO MYSELF

On Saturday, Philip and Derek are going on another trip without me.  It's not an overnight trip, but it is yet another day out without me.  Alone again...naturally.  It happens all the time.  I spend an awful lot of time alone these days.  In fact, I am talking to myself.  I did it again at the grocery store, and some lady looked at me like I had just come out of the insane asylum. 

Yes, I know

Yes, I should be happy that P spends so much quality time with Derek.  He's a great father, without a doubt.  There are so many children out there without an active father, and Derek is extremely lucky that his father's world revolves around him.  Derek seems to be the only one who matters.   

P is a great father, it's true, but he's a lousy husband.  There--I've said it!  He was lousy before, and he's unbearable now.  If he did not take me for granted in the past, I would not have strayed.  Actually, I am more comfortable without P around.  The weekends with him are a chore.  They are loaded with stilted conversations, uncomfortable silences, and on occasion, snide remarks.  I can't stand to be around him anymore, and I'm glad when he is gone.  I just wish that he did not take Derek with him.

I could talk to my friends about this, but even though they act as if they understand, I can tell that they still feel uncomfortable.  They can't relate.  They are both in happy marriages, after all.  I can't expect them to feel what I feel.  They try, and they worry about me, which is why I tell them that "Everything's fine".  I don't want them to look at me with eyes of pity.  That's the last thing I need.  I feel lousy enough.

I guess that I'm just lonely, and I wanted to vent.  Frank's passing has put me in a funk and has made me go back on my promise of no more whining.  Plus, I have un-decorated the house and am going through cookie withdrawals (cookies turned into a crutch during the holidays).  I went a little overboard for a month, and need to give them up to get back on track.  I don't want to gain the weight back.  I tried to hard to lose it.

So, I'm back to eating right, exercising and all that crap.  Yippee.  Well, at least I have a goal.  New Year's resolution:  Lose that last ten pounds (fifteen now), find a hobby, pray more, and hardest of all--get over T.

Most of all--stop whining!