TALKING TO MYSELF

On Saturday, Philip and Derek are going on another trip without me.  It's not an overnight trip, but it is yet another day out without me.  Alone again...naturally.  It happens all the time.  I spend an awful lot of time alone these days.  In fact, I am talking to myself.  I did it again at the grocery store, and some lady looked at me like I had just come out of the insane asylum. 

Yes, I know

Yes, I should be happy that P spends so much quality time with Derek.  He's a great father, without a doubt.  There are so many children out there without an active father, and Derek is extremely lucky that his father's world revolves around him.  Derek seems to be the only one who matters.   

P is a great father, it's true, but he's a lousy husband.  There--I've said it!  He was lousy before, and he's unbearable now.  If he did not take me for granted in the past, I would not have strayed.  Actually, I am more comfortable without P around.  The weekends with him are a chore.  They are loaded with stilted conversations, uncomfortable silences, and on occasion, snide remarks.  I can't stand to be around him anymore, and I'm glad when he is gone.  I just wish that he did not take Derek with him.

I could talk to my friends about this, but even though they act as if they understand, I can tell that they still feel uncomfortable.  They can't relate.  They are both in happy marriages, after all.  I can't expect them to feel what I feel.  They try, and they worry about me, which is why I tell them that "Everything's fine".  I don't want them to look at me with eyes of pity.  That's the last thing I need.  I feel lousy enough.

I guess that I'm just lonely, and I wanted to vent.  Frank's passing has put me in a funk and has made me go back on my promise of no more whining.  Plus, I have un-decorated the house and am going through cookie withdrawals (cookies turned into a crutch during the holidays).  I went a little overboard for a month, and need to give them up to get back on track.  I don't want to gain the weight back.  I tried to hard to lose it.

So, I'm back to eating right, exercising and all that crap.  Yippee.  Well, at least I have a goal.  New Year's resolution:  Lose that last ten pounds (fifteen now), find a hobby, pray more, and hardest of all--get over T.

Most of all--stop whining!

MY THRILLING NEW LIFE AS A NUN

I live like a nun, however,  I can't fly

Well, that should be the title of this blog.  I am pretty much living the life of a nun--praying, teaching...with no extracurricular activities.   Actually, you can say that I've been a nun for the last six months (except for that lost month in a half when I was a lusty vixen.  Boy, do I miss that woman.  She was fun ;).  Now, you may as well call me Sister Victoria.

I've actually taken up reading the Bible.  Do you know what?  There is sex in the Bible.  Sure, it's not the Nora Roberts kind of sex, but it's there.  In the state I'm in, I'd probably find sex in an accounting textbook.  It's...that...bad.

So, how am I dealing with this lack of...contact?  Baking.  I'm like Martha Stewart here.  As I said before, I am up to my eyeballs in cookies.  I'm making chocolate chip now.  What the hell.  Might as well die from a sugar rush.  At least I'll die happy, right?  No worries, though.  I'm not planning death by chocolate chip cookies, but what a way to go :)

By the way, thanks for all your helpful suggestions, but I think that the last thing I need is to have a "Pure Romance" party.  I can try all I want, but you can't get blood out of a stone.  I just have to laugh.  It's better than crying, or dwelling on lost opportunities.

Where can you buy a nun's habit?

I COULD HAVE SWORN THAT IT WAS HIM

I'VE BEEN UP TO MY EYEBALLS IN COOKIES.

These are not mine, but don't they look good?

Now that's a good way to start a post, isn't it?  I have broken down and eaten a couple of them too.  I have made all types--peanut butter, oatmeal raisin, linzer tarts, sugar...but I purposely did not make chocolate chip yet, because they are my weakness.  If I make a batch of them, they will not make it to the little cookie tins that I am handing out as gifts for Derek's teacher, our priest, our mailman, etc.  Well...maybe if I make enough, I will have some left over for everybody else.

I'm debating if I should go over to the old age home to see my friends there, and hand out the usual tins, as I do every year.  I have to admit that I have chickened out lately because I'm afraid of running into Anita (T's mother), while visiting Frank.  I haven't seen Frank since late October, when he mistook me for T's wife.

Speaking of T, I could have sworn that he called me today.  The phone rang while I was knee deep in flour, and I saw that the caller ID said "unknown caller".  Usually, I don't pick up for unknown callers, but for some reason, I did.  Planting the receiver in between my shoulder and my ear as I continued to keep my hands busy at work,  I said "Hello", but there was no reply.  There was just silence on the other end.  Then I said "Hello?" again--still no reply.  It was then that I realized (or hoped) that it might be T.  I said, "Babe?" and the person on the other end of the line hung up.  then, the phone slipped out of its spot and fell to the kitchen floor sending parts everywhere.

Maybe it's the fact that it is a Wednesday, but I believe that it was him, and he just wanted to hear my voice.  If so, I wish that he had given me the same privilege.  Possibly, I'm just overreacting, and it's just wishful thinking.   Most likely it was not him at all--just an unknown caller who dialed the wrong number.  

But, the fantasy is so much better.

There I go again.