AN ANNIVERSARY TO FORGET

Oh, the joys of wedded bliss.  So much in love...and they lived happily ever after...blah blah blah. Yeah right.

Yesterday was our 11th wedding anniversary.  It was a big deal...but only to Derek. He seemed to be the only one excited about it.  I was apprehensive about the day, and Philip was indifferent.  Derek made us a card filled with crayon drawings and misspelled words--I will treasure it forever.  It was the only good thing that happened all day.

As for the actual day, all I can say is that I tried. I had dinner ready for him when he and Derek got home from an outing--Roast Beef, mashed potatoes, etc.--everything that Philip liked.  I tried to make the rest of the day special, since they were gone for most of it, but he was not in the mood to act like the happily married couple.  Eventually, I felt the same way.

I tried to be patient when he told me that he was not hungry, still recovering from the large Thanksgiving meal the day before.  Beside, they grabbed some "take out" on the road.  Derek and he planned to head directly towards the living room to watch a college football game.

Philip has not tried at all in these past two weeks.  I don't know what I expected, considering the circumstances of our near split.  He actually volunteered to go into work on the day after Thanksgiving, when others have off, until Derek begged him to stay home and take him somewhere.  I guess that he thought that it would been too hard to spend four full days in a row with me without the cushion of a work day.  Forty eight hours on the weekend is long enough.  Ninety-six?  Well, I guess that it was an impossibility.

I know..."Give him time".  I am trying to do just that.   You don't have to remind me that it's my fault that my marriage is down the toilet.  However, he could try to make it easier for both of us.  We could be like before--platonic roommates living in the same house, but trying, at least, to be civil to one another.  Right now, climbing that mountain seems to be insurmountable.

FYI, I am not sulking.

T WOULD LEAVE ME BEHIND

Derek and I spent the day together.  Just the two of us, after his soccer game this morning.  We went to a Halloween event at the mall, and then Sprinkle City.  We had a great time, although he did have a little stomach ache afterwards, probably from all the candy, popcorn, and ice cream.  I think that I went a little overboard trying to be the fun Mom.

When I returned home with Derek, I felt a definite chill in the air coming from the direction of my husband.  He was more distant than usual (and I thought that was impossible).  Once Derek was in bed, I mentioned the fact that Derek was not feeling well and looked a little pale.  I wondered out loud if I should stay the night, since I would be there all day tomorrow, anyway.  Besides, I wanted to keep an eye on Derek.  That did not go over well.

"I can handle it," he said, defiantly.  Then he snidely told me to go home to my lover.

I froze for a second, wondering where that came from, or what I did to cause it.  I  decided that it would not be a good time to discuss our issues, because obviously, he was in an extremely foul mood.  I just left.

I found T in the kitchen with a distant look on his face.  When he saw me, he forced a cheerful smile on his face, but I could tell that something was on his mind.  He is easier to read than P--wears his feelings, where P would hide them.  But didn't want to pry, and wanted to vent about how P acted.  Then he said that it was probably his fault.  It was also then that I noticed a bruise on the left side of his face.

I asked him what he meant, and then he sighed as if he were about to tell me something that I didn't want to hear.  He was right.  While I was out with Derek,  T had gone next door to talk to my husband, man to man.  The discussion was about me, of course.  T offered to sell his house and move away if that was what it took for P to take me back.

I wanted to yell at him.  Why did he offer that?  What made him think that I wanted him to offer to move away?  I felt like a pawn in a negotiation.  I'm sick of people deciding, behind my back, what is best for me.  It's my life!  Don't I get a say in this?  

But, of course, T is right.  P would never take me back if he was still here, living right next door with available arms for me to run to.  Problem is, I don't want him to go.  I guess that you can say that it is a problem that I have to deal with.

Curiously, I asked T what P said about the offer.  After pausing, he told me that P said that he would never take me back after what I have done.  I was surprised.  Surely, P would fight to keep Derek's family together, or that T would not win out...but no.   Then, the realization sunk in.  There is a real possibility that I will not be able to keep this marriage together no matter how many hoops I try to jump through--Derek or no Derek.  P has washed his hands of me.  After only two weeks, he is already ready to move on.  Maybe he has wanted to dump me for the longest time, but never had an excuse.  Now, he does.

I always knew the rule.  We had always said it.  If one of us ever had an affair, the trust would be broken and the marriage would be over.  I agreed with the rule, believed in it (never thought I would be the one to break it), but deep down, I always thought that if one of us strayed, the other would forgive.  I think that I would have forgiven him...I guess...maybe not...I don't know.  How does one forgive betrayal on that scale?   

What happens now?  Sitting Derek down in the living room and telling him that the family is breaking up?  Calling the lawyers to file for divorce papers?  Figuring out custody decisions?  Will he file for full custody since I was the one who broke the vows, causing the end of the marriage?  All these questions are swirling through my head.  I don't know how I am going to handle all this.  I'm sure that I am in for another sleepless night.

TWO HOUSES--TWO VASTLY DIFFERENT MEN

I just realized today that I am cleaning two houses.  Living in two houses has doubled my workload. I clean the first one because that is my job, keeping a clean and tidy house for my son.  I clean the second house because I can't stand to look at it if I don't do something.  Mark is a slob, plain and simple--he has actually improved since I met him--not enough, if you ask me.  I guess that I have been in love with a slob--go figure.  At first, I did not clean up after him, but after a week of it, I couldn't stand it. He has never asked me to do anything, but if I don't do it, I assume that no one will, except for the maid who comes once a week.  But the rest of the week,  I can't help myself.  I cannot live in a mess.  I am used to an orderly life, everything in its place.  

I guess I've been spoiled by P for the last ten years.  P actually cleans something immediately after he uses it--never leaves items laying around.  He would actually finish drinking a can of soda while standing over the recycling bin.  Perfectly groomed, showers daily, never has a hair out of place.   I've never really had to clean up after him.  Even now, when I walk into the bathroom after he has left for work, there is no mess left behind for his wayward wife.  He is a perfectionist, and probably always will be.  At times, it was a rather daunting task keeping him happy, but at least everything was in order.

T on the other hand, is a work in progress--a virtual forty-year-old frat boy, who leaves clothes, pizza boxes and beer bottles laying around. His clothes stay where they've been dropped, and probably would stay there forever if no-one picked them up.  On days off from work, he does not shave--maybe doesn't even shower either--I'm afraid to ask.  Funny, he always seemed to shave on Wednesdays before.  But now that I am in the same house as him, I see that he is a total bachelor in every glorified sense of the word.  You can tell that he has not lived with a woman for years. What sane woman (I never said that I was sane) would live here?  

Such is my life, lately.  Between two worlds, and two vastly different men--stuck in the middle.   

You would think that I was more compatible with Philip.  In a way, he is more like I used to be--straight and narrow,  conservative and controlled, quiet and reserved.  P is extremely intelligent and disciplined, although the fact that he cannot quit smoking is quite perplexing.  Nevertheless, it is his only vice.  He drinks only on occasion, and doesn't gamble, etc.  He does not have many close friends, although he is always involved in the community.  He is a total family man--a devoted father.  His life revolves entirely around Derek.  In fact, once Derek was born, I ceased to exist in his eyes, other than a way to have more children.  But it was the same for me.  Derek is our greatest achievement, and is most important in our lives.  Derek loves him to death.   I knew that P would be a good father by the way he used to rave about it.   He always talked about the importance of family, wanted three or four children, and I overlooked many of his other traits, because I wanted the same thing. It is probably the reason that I married him.  I was twenty-five and wanted a home and family of my own.  He was my ticket to that life.

Mark is completely different from Philip and me, and surprisingly, I connect better with him.  He is outgoing, dynamic and reckless.  He is a responsible man, but you would never guess it by the way that he acts. He drinks, but I've never seen him drunk.  He does not smoke, but will have a cigar with his buddies at a party.  He is popular, fit and has a magnetic personality--easy with conversation, and an available ear when needed.   Everybody seems to like him, and he has many close friends--men and women.   He has a tough exterior, but inside is a loving, reassuring and supportive man who is irresistible.  Because of that fact,  I believe that he could be a good father if given a chance. He deserves a second chance.   Maybe it will happen for him, and I wish that I could be a part of that, but obviously I can't do it for so many reasons. Family reasons aside, I have proven that I just can't deliver the goods.  Maybe he will find someone who will.

Ugh!  I've got to stop thinking about what could have been, and focus on what I need to do to get my life back to normal.  My current living arrangement is not the best (or smartest), since I am still in love with T.  But, there is nowhere else to go.  I don't want anyone else to know what is going on with my marriage--don't want to get the rumor mills going.  Living here is convenient, and necessary, --for now.  

HE VOLUNTEERED ME...AGAIN!!!

Let me just start by saying that I have certainly done my FAIR share of volunteering.  I always help out at church functions, school functions, and work the snack stand at little league games.  I have baked my share of cakes, and made lasagna and baked ziti for families in need around the community.  I visit the old age home regularly and read to the aged.  

I have no problem with volunteerism.  I'm pretty damned good at it.

But, I have to admit that I'm getting a little tired of Philip volunteering me for things without my knowledge.  He must think that I have nothing else to do, or that I have no life of my own.  What does he think I do around here?  Lie around and eat bon-bons?  

Then, when I get annoyed, he acts surprised.  He says something like "Don't be selfish".  How could he say that I'm acting selfish?  Why does he say stuff like that?   It's so unfair.

Don't be selfish?  Is he kidding me?

I just had to vent.